Today, I was driving home at night, and got into an accident. Someone had left a toilet in the middle of the road. I hit it. The toilet's fine, but my car now has a toilet-shaped dent in the front. FML
Today, my dog ran away. Luckily my neighbors caught him before he got too far. Now they won't give him back because they think I did something to him to make him want to run away. FML
Today, I asked a girl at the restaurant I work at if she'd had enough to eat. When she said yes, I said, "Are you sure?" I didn't realize how insulting it sounded until her equally overweight mom was up in my face, demanding to see my manager. FML
Today, I started my first training day using an MRI machine and completely forgot to remove my nipple piercings before I went in. I've never experienced a pain so vile and lingering in my life. FML
Today, my boyfriend said that no, I'm not allowed to get glasses and then accused me of wanting to see other men. No, I just want to see. FML
Today, I returned home after a long day of work. I noticed that my kitten had gotten a hold of my pin cushion, and that there were no needles left in it. My husband and I have only managed to find one, out of 16. FML
Today, an old fling said she regretted her previous choice and wanted to try again, so I happily accepted. She failed to tell me that her previous choice was crazy. Not only is he stalking her, but he's also stalking me, and sending her messages about who I'm with and what I'm doing. FML
Today, I finally saw a dermatologist due to my unusually severe acne. Now I know I actually have a rare disorder that makes me allergic to my own acne. FML
Today, 5 minutes before I had to leave for school, my friends convinced me it was "pajama day" at school. I showed up in slippers and Sponge Bob pajamas. My school wouldn't let me go home to change. FML
Today, I was caller number nine on the radio, meaning I technically won the contest. I was too awkward, so they hung up on me. FML
Today, I got mugged by a fake hooker. FML
Today, after frolicking in some long grass near a lake, my dog got back in the car smelling strongly of poop. Upon further investigation, I discovered that a sewer had overflowed in the area. My dog rolled around in human faeces. FML
Today, an old guy with a cane got up in my face for "mocking" the way he walked. In retrospect, I guess it is pretty offensive for me to have had knee surgery and still be recovering from it. My apologies. FML
Today, during a meeting with my boss, she explained she's giving me one more chance before she has to fire me. Her reason? I accidentally ordered chicken on a salad last week for a meeting and she feels my performance has gone down the tubes. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend of 7 years has been cheating on me with my friend's 18-year-old sister, took her on the vacation we planned, and will be starting with my company next week. FML
Today, during a family game of basketball, my 15 year old son shoved me hard to get the ball. I fell and cut my arm badly on the ground. I yelled at him for being an idiot. He replied "Oh jeez, a bleeding woman being a bitch, what a fucking shocker." My husband doubled over laughing. FML
Today, at a family dinner, I found the courage to tell my husband's parents about my schizophrenia. They exchanged weird looks and then there was an uncomfortable silence. Then my father-in-law finally says, "Christ. The grandkids won't come out all nutty, right?" FML
Today, I helped my mom put away my baby sister's clothes. She's only a week old and has around 60 outfits. I have 4. FML
Today, several Ukrainians didn't believe me when I said I was American. Apparently I'm not fat enough. FML
Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it, and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML
Today, while socializing after a church service, I discovered I'm still referred to as "Fireshit's brother", after an incident a year ago which involved my sister screaming "the devil is coming out of my anus!" from the lavatory. FML
Today, I made a little girl cry. How? She saw my face, got scared, and ran away crying. I thought I wasn't that ugly. FML
Today, at my work at a charity shop, I reached into a new bag of donations only to pull out... used underwear. Thanks for your generosity. FML
indigohero tells us more.
indigohero 20
@22 Yeah that's exactly what I do now since this happened and @21 exactly. I swear some of the stuff people "donate" is ridiculous. It's clearly just stuff they couldn't be bothered to dispose of properly. One time, someone "donated" a small bag with a bundle of string and a rock in it (??) and another time someone had "donated" their old retainer..... just, why? And @16 it's true we get money for bags of rags and damaged clothing that we can't sell, but we don't actively ask for items like this - we ask for "good quality items", and while it's not so bad just throwing torn or worn clothes in a bag, it's kinda disgusting to have to sort through used underwear, stained baby clothes and dirty old socks, to name a few things. People donating clearly don't think through that an actual person has to sort through this stuff when they hand it over. Thankfully most of the stuff we get is fine though, there's just the odd few where you have to wonder what they were thinking. And generally I love working there, it's just nice to complain sometimes haha :)
Today, while napping on the couch, I had a very vivid dream about a girl I like. I woke up to my mother and father choking back laughter and recording me on their phones. I don't know what's worse: waking up with a boner in front of my parents or finding out I was also talking dirty in my sleep. FML
Today, I finally confronted my boyfriend and asked him if he was cheating on me. He got flustered and said, "Technically, I'm cheating with you, not on you." FML
Today, I found out the reason why my cat would sometimes go outside for days at a time was because when she would go out, my neighbor would lure her in with cat treats and keep her there for up to 2 days. She's an indoor cat now. FML
Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML
Today, I found a disturbing video on my 8-year-old's tablet. In the video, I was suffering from sleep paralysis. He's convinced I'm part demon. FML
Today, I had a dream where I was imagining myself hooking up with a really hot girl. Not a sex dream. A dream where I was sitting in a room alone and imagining myself hooking up with this really hot girl. Even in my dreams I can only imagine. FML
Today, I went out with a girl I've been dating. I dropped her off and she finally asked me if I wanted to come in. When I did, she asked me to change a light bulb in her kitchen, and then promptly sent me home. FML
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