Today, my 4 year-old daughter walked into my home office and said, "Fuck you!" Then she ran to my husband and said, "Did I say it right?" FML
Today I was fired from my job. They fired me because they couldn't work around my college schedule. The only reason they hired me was because they were looking for college students and without a job I can't go back to school. FML
Today, I awoke to the sound of my neighbors attacking my car with a baseball bat accusing me of calling the cops on them. I did call the cops on them, after they screamed at me last night, drunkenly, to call the cops for them because they thought they were being robbed. FML
Today, while playing a game, my girlfriend told a bunch of our friends that she's never had an orgasm. News to me. FML
Today, I wrote a bad review for a pizza place after their pizza gave me food poisoning. Now, they won't stop calling me, begging me to take my review down in exchange for free pizza. I have tried to tell them that I wouldn't eat their pizza again even if I got paid to do so, but they won't listen. FML
Today, at work, my manager thought I needed to be showed how to use Windex. FML
Today, I took my dad out shopping. I managed to pull into a really cramped parking spot and said, "Man, that was a tight squeeze." My dad then looked me in the eyes and said, "So was your mom." FML
Today, I was waiting in the McDonald's drive-thru and listening to some music. I was tapping my non-driving foot to the song when I accidentally tapped the wrong foot and rear ended the cop car in front of me. Whoops. FML
Today, my husband won't shave his beard, despite the fact it grows in wiry and looks like pubic hair. He is now accusing me of "not loving him for who he is." FML
Today, I told my long-distance friend about the flooding in Florida due to the Supermoon. He's a Flat Earther and despite proof, denies the coincidence because he believes the moon and gravity aren't what we're taught. FML
Today, I walked into the living room to find my 11-year-old daughter about to kiss her "not my boyfriend" on the lips. When I asked what she thought she was doing, she peeled a piece of scotch tape off her lips and said, "It's okay! We're using protection." FML
Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML
Today, I finally bought my first car after saving around £5000 and finding an absolute bargain that ticked all the boxes! Today was also the day of my first ever car accident, resulting in the car being written off by an uninsured driver. I had it less than 9 hours. FML
One_Wheel_Wonder tells us more.
OP here! I had insurance on the car, I did it over the phone the day before I collected the car so I was all legal to drive it. The guy who hit me had no insurance on his car, and was promptly taken away by the police who were called to the scene by a passing motorist. It was a head-on collision caused by the other driver, so I'm not at fault. My car is what my insurance call "a total loss" so it's beyond economical repair and wouldn't be safe to be back on the road anyway. My insurance company are going to deal with all the valuations and payouts (I can get a payout on the value of the car) but it's just such a shame as the car was super-low mileage, factory-spec, high-specification and in MINT condition. It was a car I'd always wanted but alas, it was not meant to be! No serious injuries to report, couple of cracked ribs from the impact/airbags and bruises but I was able to walk away from the accident, which is a plus. Not sure what affect this will have on my insurance premiums though, but time will tell.
Today, I came home from a business trip and was greeted by a foul smell. I soon found out my husband accidentally let the milk go bad by leaving it out all day, then tried to solve the problem by "balancing the temperatures" by putting it in the freezer. Oh honey, no. Just no. FML
Today, after some great sex, my boyfriend mused: "You know, from this position, I could punch you in the cunt and you wouldn't be able to stop me." I could only relax when he finally fell asleep nearly an hour later. FML
Today, I finally went out on a date with a cute guy. At the end of the date he said, "hey I'm hungry, I've got pasta at home. Do you like pasta?" I replied without hesitation, "not much, I'm gluten-intolerant." I realized about 3 hours later that he probably wanted to invite me to his place. FML
Today, my daughter's boyfriend came to the house to pick her up. As a responsible father, I had an evil plan to torture the boy who dares date my girl, but my wife preempted my plan so during his short visit, she stood behind me the whole time with her taser down my buttcrack in case I acted up. FML
Today, I was talking with a very attractive coworker outside when a moth flew into my ear. I started screaming and hitting my ear because it was stuck and alive in my ear. I spent the rest of the day at the ER. I'm forever known as The Moth Lady. FML
Today, while playing ping pong, my brother got mad that he lost and threw the paddle at my head, causing me to fall backwards into the TV mounted on the wall. Now I have a concussion and have to pay to replace the TV. FML
Today, I finally brought a girl home from college. While I was making her some coffee, my roommate came down in her underwear, pretended to be my girlfriend, and asked if we were having a threesome. My date left before I could explain, and my roommate thinks it's fucking hilarious. FML
GimmeLaCoffee tells us more.
First off, yeah I was a bit pissed (cause, well, I was pretty excited..) but we do prank each other all the time so I'm laughing about it. Don't worry, I'll get my revenge! Also, its not because she is jealous/into me- like I said, we prank each other, and as for my roommate being in her underwear thats not unusual, we both do it and she is very free with her body. Personally I think its great she is so confident, which I respect (since it's made bloody hard for women these days). As for the lot of you who were like '**** her, she owes you' thats kinda sick. You don't 'owe' someone sex for anything, especially not a prank. However she really can't complain if I scare off her next date! Revenge prank ideas are welcome, I'm thinking chilli in her cereal for starters..
Today, I handed in my 2 weeks notice, since I have to leave for college soon. My boss told me it was fine, then cut all my remaining shifts. FML
Today, I saw a cute guy and decided to say hi. As I started to think about things to talk about, one story in particular about a drummer who looked like Jesus stuck out in my mind. I was so nervous that instead of saying hi, I blurted out, "Some people look like Jesus!" and took off. FML
wondercat40 tells us more.
wondercat40 28
He just stared blankly at me as I ran off, and that's definitely not a good sign of anything! I see him at my band classes, but I haven't spoken to him since. Thank you for the comments, a lot of them made me laugh. I don't know the where the Jesus drummer's band came from either, it was a local band that I forgot the name of. However, I think it was a Christian band. Oh, the irony.
Today, I accidentally rammed my finger into my desk, and it felt like I'd broken it. Yelping in pain, I fell over onto my bed, missed it, and landed on the floor. My dog saw this as a good opportunity to climb on top of me and start humping. FML
Today, I had an appointment. After 2 hours of waiting in the sun, my mom finally picked me up and lectured me on how irresponsible my dad was for not communicating with her. Not 5 minutes after I got home, my dad showed up and gave me the same exact lecture about my mom. FML
Today, my first day on the job, I locked up the office after everyone left and set the alarm. An hour later, my new boss angrily emailed me that I locked him inside the building, setting off the alarm and prompting the entire police department to show up. FML
Today, I was taking a shower after basketball practice. When I got out of the shower I thought no one was home so I thought it might be fun to walk around the house completely naked. I walk downstairs and my mom was eating dinner. Along with 20 other members of her bookclub. FML
Today, I was making love to my boyfriend. He put me up against the wall and I yelled, "Harder!" without thinking. I heard the entire house go silent, my dad and his friends included. FML
Today, my friends and I were acting out porn scenes without sex. Then, I realized that we all watch too much porn, and we are still all virgins. FML
Today, while I was riding the bus to work, I noticed the guy sitting across from me had shorts on. He also had no underwear on and I could fully see his "parts" just hanging there. I decided to switch seats but as I stood up to move, the bus jerked. I fell face forward right into his "parts". FML
Today, I invited my friends to meet up at the park. After asking twice, I finally got the text saying to meet them there. But when I got there, I realized they had already been there for a while. As I was walking up to them, I heard, "Why did you invite him?" FML
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