Today, it was my turn to do the suite's dishes. I was in the process of drying my roommate's coffee mug when the handle suddenly snapped off and the sharp edge left on the mug scraped down my arm. I now have a 3-inch long gash in my arm. I was attacked by a cheap coffee mug. FML
Today, I, a grown man in his 30’s, fell asleep and pissed myself like a 2 year-old at bedtime. I was at work on my dinner break and had taken a nap on the break room sofa, which is now soaked in my pee, and I have no change of clothes. Twenty coworkers and 5 senior management all know it was me. FML
Today, I had a pig kidney dissection in Biology. I see a 'sack' which appeared to contain a liquid. Being the curious type, I cut open the sack, spraying said liquid over me and my desk. My teacher, after giggling, informed me that the liquid was in fact urine. I was pissed on by a dead pig. FML
Today, my daughter decided it was a good day to put a bath bomb in the aquarium so the fish could have a relaxing bath with cool pink water. She didn’t know the fish would end up being killed. She’s 16. FML
Today, I managed to get a €5 note tangled in the zip on my purse. I couldn't open it without ripping it to shreds. FML
Today, and for the last six months, I've been on a medication that greatly improves the main symptoms of my chronic illness. Too bad it also gives me chronic diarrhea. I feel much better and can function better than I have since my teens, but I haven't taken a solid dump in half a year. FML
Today, for the second time, my wife paid money on her bank app to the wrong person. Correct first name, wrong surname. I'm left to sort out the mess. The bank won't help due to her error, and we can't contact the payees. It's OK, only 9 grand lost. She can really concentrate on what she's doing, and it's my fault. FML
Today, my brother decided our bathroom needed a clock so he used an old DVD player. He put it on the edge of the tub. FML
Today, I remember that I changed my phone lock password when I was still half asleep this morning, but I don't remember what I changed it to. FML
Today, after being told by her therapist to try to make her kids a bigger part of her life because we're so distant from her, my mom's new favorite thing to do is to constantly use the words "YOLO" and "swag" around us. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents. We've been dating for almost 5 months and are extremely in love. His mom basically said to me, "I want what’s best for my son and you aren’t it." FML
Today, I spent my afternoon rummaging through old jeans and other pants, due to being broke and needing cash for ramen. FML
Today, I called my mom into my room to ask her to bring me something. She referred to me as a "lazy fat slug." I'm 38 weeks pregnant and was put on emergency bedrest by my doctor. FML
Today, my dog won’t eat the premium $30 per kilo food I buy him, but he will eat other dog’s shit. FML
Today, my mom was screaming at me and said, "I wish I'd never adopted you." I guess I'm adopted then. FML
Today, I went to the circus with my family. When we were looking at the animals during the break, an elephant took my purse with his trunk and ate it. It crushed my cellphone, camera, keys and wallet. After that, the circus director yelled at me for feeding poisonous stuff to his elephant. FML
Today, I turned 18. My parents gave me a card that read "now that you're 18, it's time for some boozy fun... you can do all the things you did before but legally!" Taped to the inside was my fake id that I "lost" three months ago. FML
Today, I've been dating a girl for about a year. After about 5 months, her mom kicked her out so I had her move in with me. She’s super sweet and nice, but we aren’t intellectually compatible, and have wildly different interests. My best friend is everything she isn’t. I'm starting to crush on my friend. FML
Today, I was on a date and I began pretending to know a lot about wine. I swirled the glass too hard under my nose and splashed red wine all over myself. I spent the rest of the date smelling like a bottle bank. FML
Today, I quit smoking. It seems that when you don't smoke for almost 24 hours, your sense of smell comes back. I then noticed how disgusting my apartment smells. Great. FML
Today, I discovered that my "life-changing" skincare routine wasn’t working because I’d been using conditioner instead of moisturizer for two weeks. My skin is greasy, and I smell like coconuts. FML
Today, I was taking a shower. My mom thinks it's ok to just walk in on someone when they are in there so she decides to take a crap. The worst part is she thought it would be less awkward to talk to me. FML
Today, my dad's girlfriend threw me a birthday party and all the gifts, decorations, and the cake were according to my age, which they thought was 12. I turned 13 today. FML
Today, at work, I managed to hit myself in the face with a large sheet pan. The force made me back into a shelf, which knocked a box off the top, which hit me in the head and knocked me out-cold. I now have a fat lip, a sore head, and bruises all over from the fall. FML
Today, I asked my mom if I could borrow $20 since I don’t get paid until Friday. She responded with, “Why don’t you return those packages that arrived this week from your online shopping sprees?” FML
Today, my fiancé and I were planning to move to a cheaper apartment which my mother agreed to rent us. She was very supportive and excited that we'd be closer, and it was great until she gave us a list of books, movies, games, etc. that we can't bring because they're "demonic". FML
ElhonnaDS tells us more.
OP here- A couple of points of clarification: 1) She wasn't paying the bills- I was looking for a cheaper apartment. We'd have gone down from a 3-bedroom to a studio. Where I live, I would have been paying a pretty standard rate for what a studio is- it was just convenient to be renting from family, with whom I generally get along. 2) He's my fiancee now. We'd have been married by the time we moved in. 3) She has definitely had some interesting idea manifest over the last couple of years, as she has begun reading the Gospel according to Saint Google. It seems these days she will take any chain e-mail she gets with about the same degree of seriousness as the actual Bible. For most of my life, we have had very normal and respectful boundaries about our differences in belief. I knew she had some odd ideas, but the idea that she would demand to have control over every book, movie, piece of clothing, game, etc. that we had in an apartment we were paying to rent was much further out than I thought she was. 4) When I say she thinks they are demonic, I don't mean she doesn't want me watching Hellboy or other movies that are about demons. What she specifically said is that the physical objects (outlined as movies and books that depicted violence, sex, horror, fantasy, aliens, superheroes, any object that had any cultural reference that could be traced to a non-Christian religion or superstition, satanic heavy metal and video games, etc.) were actually all carrying demonic spirits in a real and physical sense, which would be brought into the apartment with them, and she needed to protect herself by not letting us bring the demons in (the apartment, while having a separate entrance, is attached to her house). So, needless to say, we thanked her very much and cancelled our plans to move into that apartment pretty much immediately. The FML is mostly that she's so far gone from when I was younger, and that she sprung this on us after we told everyone we were taking the apartment, rather than up front when we discussed rent, parking, furniture and pretty much every other detail.
Today, I found out my neighbor ordered parking tickets for everyone on the block. My car was 4 inches into his driveway, but not obstructing his exit in any way. That didn't stop him from calling in, on a Sunday, at 8 AM, an 88 dollar ticket. He also left a note "Your parking sucks, love, Greg." FML
Today, the couch I bought a week ago was delivered. I don't know which is worse: my son being the one to point out it's been "used", or that he used a black light to prove it. FML
Today, I was turned down for a job as a cashier at Best Buy. I worked like hell to get into and then graduate from one of the top Telecommunication schools in the country. I spent all my time with extracurriculars to help my resume instead of partying like my friends. I can't even be a cashier. FML
Today, at the rescue group I volunteer at, we finally adopted out a dog that has been with us for a few years now. This was an amazing thing for us because we never thought he'd get adopted. As we were getting excited and hugging each other, the dog ran away. FML
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