The Top

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The neverending dinner

By Anonymous - 18/03/2023 14:00

Today, I was so excited to finally try a new recipe that I found online. After hours of prep, I realized I misread the serving size and ended up cooking enough food to feed a small army. I don't have a freezer and I live in the middle of nowhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 663

You deserved it 625

Wrong way down a one-way street

By hello higher premiums, fuckwad - 25/08/2013 16:23 - Canada - Montréal

Today, I was driving down a one-way street, when some raging dumbass came screaming the wrong way down the road at me. My instant reaction was to brake and give the guy a chance to do the same. His instant reaction was to keep going and wreck my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 087

You deserved it 3 087

By dearbailee - 18/09/2012 14:04 - United States

Today, I was on a train. An elderly woman and her daughter got on, looking for a seat. The daughter suggested the one next to mine. The elderly woman looked at me and said something in Russian. I speak some Russian. She said she didn't want to "sit by the hooker." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 932

You deserved it 4 115

Jim Henson lives

By Anonymous - 20/04/2009 17:55 - United States

Today, I was at the gynecologist and he was performing a routine check-up. He was a new doctor and I was just slightly uncomfortable with him. About mid-check-up, as he felt around my uterus, he said in a cartoonish voice, "Oh, it's so squishy up here." The doctor turned me into a sock puppet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 500

You deserved it 5 133

Thanks for the support!

By Anonymous - 05/10/2020 23:01 - United States

Today, I told my mom that I struggle with depression. She then told me that she thinks that I always seem to suck the life out of a room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 227

You deserved it 250

Man meat

By Anonymous - 13/01/2022 14:01

Today, I discovered my boyfriend gets lunch every day at Burger King. I confronted him, and he broke up with me. Apparently, he only pretended to be vegan like me to get in my pants, and now the jig is up he dumped me so he can return to having meat at all three meals of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 794

You deserved it 1 884

Toxic positivity

By You're* a bunch of idiots - 20/03/2023 14:00 - United States

Today, my school's student council has started putting random positive messages on people's lockers. I'd like to be happy about it, but my inner Grammar Nazi is pissed because they've mixed up "your" and "you're" on so many of them. I just want to take a sharpie and correct them all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 789

You deserved it 180

Migraine-inducing FML

By myheadhurts - 21/06/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, I came home from an amazing cruise to find that my house broken into. My best friend apparently decided to invite her drug-addicted friends into my home while I was away, where they stole 172$ and my migraine pills, which are non-refillable. I now have a migraine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 312

You deserved it 5 428

Nice "friend" you've got there

By jwhizzle - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I found my "lost" bicycle in my best friend's garage. I've been having to catch two buses to get to work for the past few months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 714

You deserved it 3 099

Ungrateful

By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 14:08

Today, my three-year-old told me he hates me cause I’m mean because I wouldn’t give him another cupcake. Now he is calling his grandma his new mommy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 126

You deserved it 182

A cute Christmas Eve story

By EpicOracle - 24/12/2021 23:01 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, I realised I'm tired of the bossy attitude exuded by the woman who I once believed was my soulmate. Tonight might just be the last night we'd sleep on same bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 023

You deserved it 214

Third on the podium

By Anonymous - 25/03/2023 02:00 - Pakistan

Spicy

Today, my parents told me that they had planned two kids (my older siblings) and I was born because my father "thought" that he was wearing a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 202

You deserved it 153

By Loser - 21/08/2013 15:17 - United States

Today, I got my girlfriend to play Smash Bros Brawl with me. As it was her first time, I set up handicaps to give her at least a shot at winning. She won, quite handily. A little irritated at this, I took off the handicaps and tried again. She beat me even faster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 753

You deserved it 26 319

By Anonymous - 19/06/2009 19:00 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I have a nervous tendency to rub my foot against the bar under the table. After the interview, I noticed I had been rubbing my foot against the interviewer's leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 492

You deserved it 39 359

By Anonymous - 10/07/2019 16:00

Today, I woke up with a carpet burn. From sleeping. Alone. In my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 170

By planking champion - 17/10/2011 22:05 - United States

Today, I was given an entire week of detention for planking on my school desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 102

You deserved it 80 421

Is she Julia Stiles?

By Anonymous - 27/12/2021 07:59 - United States - Weehawken

Today, I asked a girl out. She sent me a whole list of reasons that she hated me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 029

You deserved it 173

By halien1982 - 03/01/2010 06:36 - United States

Today, I was sitting at the bar of a popular local restaurant. I sat there for a few hours and drank my sorrows away with the bartender. I thought she was pretty, and decided to give her a large tip. The tip sent me over my credit card limit, and the bartender is not single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 436

You deserved it 35 477

Seasick, yet still docked

By Anonymous - 18/01/2022 08:01 - United States - Kula

Today, my husband is "too busy" and refuses to even talk with me for more than two minutes, but has enough time to spend hour-long phone conversations with his buddies. If only I were not stuck with him and our second baby at home during a pandemic… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 043

You deserved it 228

Whiff

By lizard - 18/12/2010 05:56 - United States

Today, the guy who got off when the elevator's doors opened had a very embarrassed look on his face. I didn't think anything of it till the doors closed. Turns out he was running away from his deadly fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 468

You deserved it 3 095

By cmilla - 02/01/2010 09:18 - United States

Today, I was setting up comcast cable boxes for my house. I had the packaging everywhere when I finished. Looking admirably at my job, I backed out my door, and stepped on bubble wrap, scaring myself. I flailed, fell, reached out, grabbing one of the cable wires. I pulled the cable box and my modem off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 510

You deserved it 22 503

Help yourself

By Anonymous - 22/11/2014 21:08 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I woke up, only to find my Xbox missing. Thankfully I have a security camera discreetly wired up in the tree on my lawn. Checking the tapes, I saw my brother park outside my house, let himself in with his spare key, then drive off with my missing equipment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 362

You deserved it 2 981

On yer bike!

By crabmunch15 - 09/09/2012 05:38 - United States - Victorville

Today, I snuck out to go see my girlfriend. When I got to her house, I left my bike out front and we went on a nice walk around the block. We passed a homeless-looking woman going the opposite way. About ten minutes later, the same woman passed us, on my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 923

You deserved it 11 003

Never forget

By expassword - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I asked my wife for her computer password because my computer crashed. After minutes of begging her, she finally told me. Turns out that her password happens to be her ex's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 558

You deserved it 3 834

By amusedslovenia - 07/09/2012 18:19 - Slovenia

Today, for the third day in a row, my 10-month-old is refusing to eat any of the meals that I prepare for him. He will however eat anything semi-edible lying on the floor, cat kibble included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 476

You deserved it 2 542

amusedslovenia tells us more.

amusedslovenia 5

Saturday 8 September 2012 18:24

OP here... My son is 10 months old. I'm really at my wits' end. He had been a good eater from the start, unlike his older brother who I couldn't get to eat anything either. I set out to feed my kids all organic, home-made, fresh and so forth. I gave up with my first after having spent literally hours a day preparing healthy, nutritious and yes, tasty foods that he wouldn't touch beyond a spoon or two. My two year old grew fine on very little food and now eats the same we do. My younger. however, is tiny for his age - he wears clothes for 3mo (but developing normally, thank God, and the pedi's not concerned). I can only get him to taste a spoon of something and then it's over. But anything he picks up from the floor (bread crumbs, and yes, cat kibble (food), he will eat. And scream when I take it away from him. Maybe he's on a strike or teething or... I don't know. Maybe I should start placing food on the floor for him LOL.

Yummy

By Massasam - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was late for work. Trying to cut a few seconds off the clock, I tried to open my breakfast candy bar while taking a piss. I ended up pissing all over myself and dropping the bar in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 833

You deserved it 42 491

By fufu_mutt - 15/12/2010 04:24 - United States

Today, I was driving with my dog. Looking out the half-open window he stepped on the switch, the window went up, causing his head to get stuck. I looked down and he had scared the shit out of himself, all over my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 778

You deserved it 10 187

Sanity

By Anonymous - 02/04/2023 16:00

Today, my wife has cancer but rather than go to hospital like a sane person, she has started going to church as often as possible, even though in the history of mankind I can’t remember a single instance where praying to some statue with a cross has ever cured cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 117

You deserved it 1 159

Thanks, I hate this

By creepingjennie - 05/01/2022 14:01

Today, I discovered that I'm allergic to the flowering plant my passive-aggressive mother gave me for Christmas. I take two different antihistamines daily for my numerous allergies all year round, and my mother knows this is why I don't have house plants. She said, "You better not get rid of it!" I think she hates me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 151

You deserved it 163

Scary monsters

By Poultry - 29/08/2024 00:00 - Australia

Today, I was playing a game of charades with my in-laws. I had to get them to guess the movie "Chicken Run," so I started flapping my arms, clucking loudly, and running around. I was really getting into it when I noticed everyone looking horrified. Turns out, my mother-in-law is terrified of chicken, and I just about triggered her a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 505

You deserved it 112

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The Top

The Top

Today, I received a package in the mail. It was a workout and weight-loss plan that I ordered last week. I finished an entire pizza and pint of ice-cream as I read the guidelines. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 803

You deserved it 35 492

Today, as I was pulling out of the school parking lot I was blasting my music and feeling pretty awesome, I got a few honks and felt even cooler. Until some lady pulled up next to me and told me I had left my binder on the roof and all my papers were all over the road behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 197

You deserved it 44 211

Today, my girlfriend put her hand on my abs and confessed that she was glad I'd secretly started working out. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I've been constipated for three weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 192

You deserved it 4 065

Today, my coworker screamed at me for once again calling her by a different coworker's name. They have the same hair, skin color, and body type, so I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to tell them apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 402

You deserved it 1 564

Today, a cat appeared in my basement. I have cats, but not an orange one. I don't know where he came in from. I can hardly afford the two cats and dogs I already have, so keeping him is not an option, not to mention he could have a disease. But it's winter, and I feel like crap for having to kick him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 003

You deserved it 261

Today, the most obnoxious customer came into my job. She surprisingly scrutinized everything I did. She even mentioned I didn’t offer our store credit card (I honestly forgot due to being overwhelmed by her rude attitude). Turns out she was a secret shopper. Apparently, I failed her little tests. I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 478

You deserved it 154