Today, I thought a spider had fallen on me, so I wounded up accidentally punching myself. Twice. I hate nose bleeds. FML
Today, three days before I take my bar exam, the biggest exam of my life, I got my monthly. And I get to bring my belongings in a clear plastic bag so the world knows. FML
Today, I still can't find a job to support myself. The only experience I have is a month in retail and a summer spent in a kitchen de-pooping shrimp. FML
Today, the hottest girl in the entire freshman class was telling her friend she was going to Florida for Spring Break. She said she would be in the same city as I would, and I couldn't help but say, "Oh, cool! Maybe I'll see you there!" She simply looked at me and said, "I hope not." FML
Today, I was sitting on a bench outside a supermarket waiting to be picked up, when a old lady walked out of the shop. She hadn't noticed me and sat on the bench beside me. She looked around and saw me, rolled her eyes, got up and moved to a different bench. FML
Today, I thought babysitting my nephew would be easy. WRONG. He put his wet teddy on the space heater to dry, and caused a fire. While I was putting the fire out, he decided to wash his burnt teddy in the sink, which blocked the plug and flooded my kitchen. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with my seventh chronic illness. My body and life are getting progressively more uncomfortable, painful, exhausting, and difficult. I'm starting to wish one of them was lethal. FML
Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. When I got there, I found out that the guy was a ventriloquist and was going to use his puppet to talk to me. FML
Today, I had to take a laxative for the first time. Instead of working gently overnight like it promised, I woke up at 3 a.m. to an unrelenting river of shit that made my legs numb on the toilet. FML
Today, I met my mom's new business partner for the first time. I shook his hand, and introduced myself as "Lisa's daughter." I'm a guy. FML
Today, I realized that my alcoholism has gotten so bad that I rotate liquor stores so the clerks don't think bad about me. FML
Today, my husband decided it was time to tell me he had a 3 year old son. We have been married for 5 years. FML
Today, I decided to get dressed up for school because it's my birthday. I was heading to class in my heels. Then, I rolled my ankle, fell down the muddy hill, pulled a leg muscle, and scratched up my knees. At least ten people saw it. I was wearing a white skirt. Happy Birthday. FML
Today, I discovered the man I'm in love with, the only person I've found attractive in the past 8 years, has a girlfriend, and has done for almost a year. I feel physically sick. FML
Today, I overloaded the washing machine and it flooded the downstairs. The flooring will have to be scrapped and drywall replaced. It's 100% my fault. Did I mention this is not my house? FML
Today, I was late to work because the metro broke down. Yesterday I was late to work because the train in front of me broke down. The week before that I was late to work because the swat team shut the entire metro station down. Even the interns think I'm making this up. FML
Today, my friend called saying she was gathering all her girlfriends for a girl's night out. I was thrilled with the idea and started to think of something to wear. She then asked if I would mind watching her son. FML
Today, I was babysitting my co-worker's son. He was eating Jell-o and spilled it on his top, so I pulled off his PJ's, and went in his room to grab a new pair. I heard a thunk and ran to find him out cold on the floor. His parents walked in on me trying to wake up their naked 3 year-old. FML
Today, I got home late from work, so I decided to make myself a microwave meal. I pierced the plastic film several times. A little too loudly for my hateful bastard of a neighbor, I guess, because he called the cops on me, claiming he heard gunshots from my apartment. FML
Today, I was walking from my office to the place I had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner, I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. When I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML
Today, I was talking to a group of friends about the various problems in Africa. One of them interrupts me and asks with a straight face, "If it's so bad over there, why don't they all just leave?" FML
Today, after taking vacation time to visit her, my mom told me she was glad I was leaving so she could get back to her diet. I'm prediabetic and have been trying to manage the condition. She ordered dessert at every meal and was the only one in the family who did. FML
Today, it's exactly two weeks after the second interview I had for my dream job that I felt went really well. They sent an e-mail back to me telling me that the team was really impressed with me, and that I was one of the best candidates they'd ever had. So of course they selected another candidate for the role instead. FML
Today, my leadership class was trying to decide who would run the kissing booth in our local carnival. Someone suggested me, to which the director replied, "We'd never make any profit with her." FML
Today, I was sitting in the lecture hall. A girl walked by to get to her seat and her dress got caught on the handles, lifting it up. She didn't notice but I did, so I tried to take it off the handles. She turned around to see me holding her dress up. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were out to eat. The waiter came and asked what we wanted. My boyfriend said he wanted a cheeseburger and I told the waiter I'd have the same. My boyfriend looked at me and said, "Are you sure you don't want a salad?" FML
Today, I went to the ER for severe pain in my abdominal area. The doctor comes in after looking at the CT scan and says, "Well it's not your appendix." Thinking I'm in the clear I say, "That's Awesome", the doctor then responded with "It's probably your testicles." FML
06SuFi tells us more.
Today, my family cancelled coming for Christmas again for the third time in four years. I only get to see my son for a few hours in the morning, then I'll be on my own the whole time. Again. FML
Today, I'm participating in a 30 hour awareness-raising event on famine in Africa. I'm supposed to hand out leaflets to people from my booth. My school decided to hand out a literal crate-load of free cupcakes right in front of us. FML
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