Today, I received a letter from the state saying my 14-year-old daughter is now legally recognized as a male. I have no idea what happened. FML
Today, I was getting it on with a girl I've been talking to for three months. She's a year younger than me and it was her first time. So, I went easy. After five minutes she started crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she said that I reminded her of her dad. FML
Today, I saw a text message on my husband's phone from a "Candice", asking him if he and his wife are still separated, followed by an invitation to spend the night. I never knew we were separated in the first place. FML
Today, I sprained my wrist playing Guitar Hero. The ER doctor called all of his coworkers in to hear my story. They all laughed. FML
Today, someone caused over $400 worth of damage by breaking into my car, just to steal $8 worth of beer. FML
Today, I thought I would make my first trip to the beach. While in the water, I was stung by a jellyfish. My friend had to pee on me. I went back into the water to wash the pee off and got stung by another jellyfish. FML
Today, I realized every time I go to take a poop, my 9 month old crawls into the bathroom and sobs at my feet. I now have to let my 9 month old sit on my lap while I shit, because I can't do it any other way. The end to all privacy has now come. FML
Today, I got 2 creams for a skin condition. The one for my face says "Don't expose skin to sun after use of this product". The one for the rest of my body says "This product relies on exposure to the sun". In other words, I have to be outside as much as I can, naked and with a box on my head. FML
Today, my girlfriend, who never initiates sex, pulled me into my room and onto my bed with kisses and other seductive behavior. As I'm thinking about how awesome it is that's she's doing this for once, she reaches down, grabs my underwear, and gives me the worst wedgie I've ever received. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I walked to her couch while kissing with our eyes closed. Stumbling, we reached the couch and dropped our bodies, her on top of me. What I didn't know was that her kitty, Elvis, was napping. Elvis was very angry. FML
Today, I was digging in my lawn, trying to ignore the suspicious glances coming from my nosy fuckball of a neighbor. When he asked what I was doing, I replied with dripping sarcasm, that I was digging up the schoolkids I killed last year. Fifteen minutes later, the cops he called arrived. FML
Today, I figured out how my birth control works. If you're on your period for four months straight you can't have sex, so you won't be pregnant. FML
Today, I took a major test, worth half my grade, not realizing that there were questions on the back of the sheet. FML
Today, I flew to see my long distance boyfriend who I haven't seen in 6 months. Upon seeing me, he ran up to me, picked me up and swung me around like they do in the movies. In doing so, my foot hit a 4 year-old child who was running past and knocked him out. FML
Today, I came home to my mom dancing the hustle naked. With a group of 4 friends. FML
Today, while I was on the bus to work, a morbidly obese man sat down next to me. When my stop came and I stood up to get off, he just looked at me, said with a smirk, "good luck with that," and went back to reading his paper. I missed my stop. FML
Today, I was debating weed legalization in drug awareness. I was thoroughly unleashing arguments: how marijuana turns normal citizens into criminals, how the government spends billions to enforce drug laws, when I lost my train of thought. My teacher grinned saying, "My point exactly." FML
katzperiod tells us more.
Ok, my turn on my own post. My slip up came because it is very hard for me to organize my thoughts when I don't write them down and also because of frequent personal use. This is all besides the point of the debate though. I oppose the marijuana laws for both my own selfish reasons and from an economic-minded libertarian approach. It is written in the Declaration of Independence that all men are entitled to their own pursuit of happiness. From a public health point, marijuana does not physically harm anyone. Hard drugs should remain illegal because they will lead you to decay and death. Marijuana does not cause lung cancer or any other type of cancer. Zero people in the history of mankind have died directly from weed use. It is impossible to overdose and the worst that can happen is lethargy and fatigue. It can and has been used to treat over 120 diseases or symptoms of other medication. This country spends 12 billion dollars fighting pot with no results. If marijuana were legalized and taxed, then it would produce 6-7 billion dollars in revenue. That means almost 20 billion dollars would be gained every year that marijuana is legalized and taxed, money that can be spent on education, health care, environmental reform, defense, anything. Currently there is a huge overpopulation problem in prisons. 40% of all arrests are because of drug laws. Again as an American, I want to support legitimate American businesses and my government with my weed money. The people bringing weed into this country are international gangs that also deal in cocaine, heroin, prostitution, slavery, and arms deals. I do not enjoy supporting those causes for what I consider should be my personal freedom. To legalize pot would also create millions of jobs. Limited hemp research has proven that it would reduce dependence on foreign oil through hemp products and biodiesel made from hemp. Hemp is biodegradable and plastic can be synthesized from hemp fibers. Hemp seeds contain more protein than soy beans and could lower malnutrition if only it was legal to include it in aid packets sent to Third World countries. There is no slippery slope after you legalize pot. To say that fully automatic weapons could be legalized once pot is is absolutely absurd. Jake, the only reason weed is grouped with illegal drugs is because the government decided to place that label on it. Other drugs do physical and emotional harm through addiction. In response to #54, a good reason all those chemicals are present in weed smoke is because there has been no scientific approach to removing them, and most weed is smoked without a filter. Tobacco has been cultivated in America for 400 years and science has been around for 150 of those, the tobacco companies have billions of dollars to spend funding both research on how to make it safer and to fund anti-pot studies. I say enough propaganda. Listen patiently to what others say and accept it only if they can prove it with facts. All that I have stated above can be proven with facts. Jake, could it be that pot makes your family lazy because they don't want to be arrested outside? For someone who posts that you don't want people to cram opinions down other people's throats, you certainly like to cram your own down ours. In the last one I just read you were using mostly all caps.
Today, my husband and I got into an argument. I tried to assault him with a laptop. He yelled, "Don't hit me with the computer." My apartment neighbor yelled through the wall, "Do what you gotta do, girl." FML
Today, I was spacing out in French class and randomly got an erection. My professor called on me to stand up at the front of the room and say, "I am wearing a belt," in French. Not everyone was observing just my belt. FML
Today, my boyfriend found out that if guys eat fruit often, their sperm will taste better. He bought a can of fruit for himself to eat, and said that he bought it just for me. This is the most romantic thing he's ever done. FML
Today, I asked my daughter what time it was. She stared at the clock for several seconds before muttering, "I don't know". She's 14 years old and on the honour roll, and yet she can't tell the time on an analogue clock. FML
Today, my fiancée, who believes in "sex after marriage" like me, told me she was pregnant. FML
Today, I saw one one of my cat's hairs on my sweatpants and wanted to remove it. It wasn't a cat hair, but a pubic hair that has found its way through my panties and sweatpants while being still attached to me. FML
PeppermintPenny tells us more.
OP here, hi. I REALLY can’t believe this got posted. Out of all the times I tried, this FML had to be my first that got published. I would’ve preferred some others, but that’s what you get for trying I guess. I bet you’re all wondering about my age, I’m 19. Being completely curious about the background of most FMLs, I promised myself I’d do a follow-up no matter what, so here it is. It seems my post has divided the community. I trim! Thanks to everyone jumping to my defense saying that unshaven/untrimed hair isn’t strong enough to pierce through clothing. It has grown a little longer in the last couple of weeks since I’m currently at home for the semester break and left my trimmer in my apartment at the university (I have a seperate razor for my armpits). But its still in a normal range even if I say so myself. To the event itself: I haven’t been feeling well the last few days and had been wearing the sweatpants, that are a little on the flimsy side, for a little over 24 hours. I was with my family but they didn’t pay attention to me. In our house everywhere is cat hair, so its not a notable thing to pick a few of the cats hairs of your clothing. Imagine my surprise when I tried removing that particular hair and I felt a tuck. It didn’t hurt, like some might think, cause I don’t rip cat hair from my clothing. I got up, washed my hands and moved my sweatpants around so it was tucked back in. Not a permanent solution, I know, but I do plan on taking care of it this week. I hope you all understand that I mean I will trim this week. To all those people saying „EWWW, OP YOU HAVE TO SHAVE“: I’m not here to please you and I can do whatever I want with my body as long as it doesn’t affect others and believe me, this sure as hell doesn’t affect you, so please hold back your unwanted advice. On the hygienic viewpoint: I have never read this much about vaginal care at once, and that on FML. While you can do whatever you feel right about, don’t lecture me on what you THINK is best. I like lifestyle advice best with facts that have been scientifically proven. Ratings in the **** industry don’t count. The pro bush front almost has me convinced to let it sprout, because it appears to have a lot of (hygienic) advantages, but I think I strike the happy medium and keep with neat trimming. I would ask my boyfriend on his preference, but I’m single (always have been and fear that I always will be, but I think that‘s another FML altogether). I hope I answered most of your questions. I’m purposly not answering all of them, but if you ask nicely and respectfully maybe I will. Thanks again to those who defended me and didn’t assume I was a unhygienic, disgusting bitch, just because I let my pubic hair grow a little. You’re the best and I really feel accepted here and much better about the FML. Without you, there probably wouldn’t be a follow-up. Also some comments really made me laugh out loud, keep up the good work!
Today, I told a guy he should be ashamed of himself for parking in a handicapped space. He hit me with his prosthetic leg. FML
Today, I was tending the cash register. I scanned a lady's items which totaled $89.68. She paid with a $100 bill. I gave her $11.32 change. She angrily gave back the extra dollar and complained about "schools nowadays". I'm an AP Calculus student. FML
Today, it was my first day working as a nightclub bartender. All through the evening, a really creepy bloke stood in a dark corner and leered at the girls on the dance floor. When I took the bouncer to one side to let him know, he told me the man was a coat stand. FML
Today, my twelve year old neighbour decided to give a Hannah Montana concert in her backyard, starring herself. Unfortunately, she only knew three lines of the song "The Best of Both Worlds" and screamed them repeatedly at the top of her lungs. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my husband on our anniversary day. He climbed on top of me and firmly placed his penis on my nose. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he burst into laughter and said I looked just like Squidward. FML
Today, I found out that instead of having four wisdom teeth, I have eight. They all have to be removed as soon as possible, which happens to be over the Christmas break. I get to spend my whole vacation in excruciating pain and a swollen face to boot. FML
Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML
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