Today, I was digging in my lawn, trying to ignore the suspicious glances coming from my nosy fuckball of a neighbor. When he asked what I was doing, I replied with dripping sarcasm, that I was digging up the schoolkids I killed last year. Fifteen minutes later, the cops he called arrived. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I had to call the cops on my neighbor. I was heading off to work when I saw him actually shitting in our yard. The reason? They caught my dumbass rebel of a son on their security camera, shitting in their yard. FML
Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML
Today, I had to come back home early from my holidays. Why? I had asked my grandmother to water my plants, some of which are illegal. Instead of doing it herself, she asked her neighbor… who is a cop. FML
Today, while working at Home Depot, a customer tried to engage me in a conversation about which gardening tool would "hypothetically" be the best to kill his wife with. FML
Today, I met my neighbor. When she saw me cutting down trees on my lot, she interrogated me and called the police because she didn't believe I owned the property. She didn't call the cops when she watched someone steal a cord of wood from my property two days ago. FML
Today, my neighbor - whose first words to me when I moved onto the block were "I don't like your face" - called the cops and claimed I'd been exposing myself in public. His lowlife buddy backed him up on his lie. I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up in deep trouble thanks to them. FML
Today, I was doing a job for some people on my street cutting their bushes. After I had finished and went to get my pay, I realized I had gone to the wrong house. They called the police. FML
Today, one of the kids in my neighborhood told me he would mow my lawn for 10 bucks. After a few minutes, I heard the mower stop. He had mowed a penis into my front yard then run away. FML
Today, I saw my neighbor's son mowing their lawn when suddenly he started to do this crazy dance. Chuckling at his antics, I waved and walked back into my house. His mom called me from a hospital later to ask if I could put the mower away; he had been attacked by bees. FML
Today, I received a poorly-written letter from my asshole neighbor in which he threatened to "sew" me because my dog shat on his lawn again. I went over, asked if he needed some wool for his sewing, and told him to stop being an idiot. Now he's apparently hiring a lawyer for real. FML
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Top comments
igive 29
Plant drugs in his house and call the cops.
CoffeeChickBlows 13
couldn't be gardening, **** no, that'd be WEIRD
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Comments (226)
CzechIsBack 15
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Derp!!
ImmaB3AST 7
Just had to get in the pointless, one-word comment, didn't you? Derp, eh? Just derp...
windycityassasin 6
That was a derp moment for the neighbor, why would anyone confess a murder. What I want to know is how he convinced the police.
JustDerpin 11
Just Derpin' :D
DJP0N3 0
What WERE you digging for OP?
saintsrocksocks 10
1, why? Why did you post that?
k_ninjaa 9
OP, your neighbor is an idiot.
GirlYouNasty 11
26- If you call the police saying you are have reason to believe there's been a murder, I'm pretty sure they'll come. There's really no convincing involved.
hama806 19
"with dripping sarcasm" was the key phrase here you all.
windycityassasin 6
Well I sort of assumed that the neighbor would call the police stating that OP is digging up school children he murdered a year ago (for some unbeknownst reason) And that his only proof is a confession (one where the sarcasm is misunderstood). I guess I just assumed he was an idiot. But you're right he could have just said he suspected a murder.
Futacy 30
Can I get a thumbs down?
xx000o 27
Considering some of these early responses, some people either can't or don't read the comments.
TheArchAngel 8
153- Eh, could be thread-jackets.
rebel_belle1974 5
What the hell is derp
GirlYouNasty 11
124- No problem dude. I understand where you're coming from with that. Just for future reference, a confession from the murderer is all the proof the cops need to make an arrest. Just letting you know.
_Oblivion_ 12
I love how he had the nerve to walk up to the op and ask what he was doing
onlychildFTW 34
What a waste 1
youjustmademelol 4
OP don't you know you can never use sarcasm on idiots? Damn, the world would explode if everyone used sarcasm with idiots...
Meettitan 14
188 That's good and all, but OP's neighbor is neither the police, nor more credible than OP. Ever heard of "It's your word against mine"?
CzechIsBack 15
Just for you and your lemon pie
T9FTW 20
Herp.
PaulB123 11
Homer Simpson?
windycityassasin 6
I'd say more like Sheldon Cooper.
mystical_child 6
#44 , thumbs up because of your comment AND your DP. May earth,fire,air and water be ever in your favor.
LonelyLoser93 3
DP?
mrsquiggles6900 5
DP also means double penetration
jetsown08 21
But, I actually DID bury little school children there... what if the police find them? Shit, I gotta run!
csvecw 2
Ha?
jetsown08 21
Well gee, that looks like a poorly planned comment with the benefit of hindsight. I saw nobody else commented and I got a little excited. :
irishpassion16 6
I meant to thumb that up not down! Sorry
jetsown08 21
53- well, thanks for that consolation. I think it's safe to come back out from under my rock now. *gets hit by a bus*
LO388 7
3 - Your comment was about as good as the Jets playoff chances this year. :P
BulldogHoops 14
104- Yes! Trollololol! Lol. Pardon me, I'm a jackass.
Razzle_Dazzle_5 11
3 -**** if they find the school children you killed, they're surely gonna find all the dead puppies I buried a couple more inches down from the children!
tmaq973 7
121- murdered children is one thing.. But puppies? That's too far, man.. Too far.
purplebumblebee 2
137- i agree >:( go sit in your room 121
False_Stupidity 42
And then if they dig further, they will find this dead comment we buried.
M_Rainbow 7
Lol
HairyPunisher 27
Why were you digging in the yard?
CoffeeChickBlows 13
couldn't be gardening, **** no, that'd be WEIRD
Aug1508 9
Who cares its his backyard. Do you really think he would tell his neighbor he was digging up school kids if he really did bury them there last year?
blade4080 7
Front yard*
Inediblepeaches 15
Actually, it wasn't specified whether it was in the front or backyard, but it doesn't really matter.
Klefhomacked 11
I've always though of the front yard when someone says "lawn". If it was their backyard I would think they'd just call it a backyard.
DespairFaction 11
Maybe he is installing sprinklers.
elodymayweeble 7
Omg yes hahaha
TzHaar_Joh_Zuhai 4
Did any of you by chance look at OP's name?
HairyPunisher 27
181, I figured the name was just a pun not so much an insight into the reason he was in the yard. And I had a legit question. He clearly wasn't gardening if it was enough for the neighbors to get all nosey.
teamjacob21 0
Haha
igive 29
Plant drugs in his house and call the cops.
Awahso 25
Two wrongs don't make a right.
btstig 11
Three lefts do!!
flipfloperson 5
25- But three lefts do. Edit- you barely beat me! Lol
mjoyn98 1
At first I thought it was rather harsh of OP to call his neighbor that.. Then I finished reading the FML.
Dr0reos 8
That's why I always burn the bodies after I'm done
equius4life 8
I like acid, get rid of all the evidence. Oh god, why did I lead this on with more bullshit?
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
Congratulations on being the first comment not buried on this FML. I commend you.
geko911 22
Actually, it's hard to burn a body and acid is too slow. I prefer to pour a sack full of flesh eating beetles on the bodys and when only bones remain, I crush them and use it as fertilizer. That way the poor kids get a second life!
dannykilljoy 4
.
legitkitty 11
6 - I could never do something like that for the guilt and fear of getting caught. Yes, indeed I am a "pussy". Have you checked my profile picture?
SharnaaaBanana 22
Haha I love the word fuckball I'm gonna use that so often now
xx000o 27
True, but depending on the circumstances, it can feel mighty damn good.
Dr0reos 8
119-I like the way you think. but flesh eating Beatles are way too expensive were I live
charlotte178 4
Brilliant plan
beatlegirl27 20
Nice job
tie19441 1
Where
Futacy 30
That's a bitch move.
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
167- Paul, George, Ringo, and John were not flesh eaters!
aksweetheart 7
No... Three lefts just makes a circle... Or a square, really.
SuperKnuckels 6
no but 3 lefts do.
regan_droper 4
no but it will sure make you feel better
Helloilike_lacro 8
Looks like you got some splainin to do
MCRaddict15 15
It's weird, because I would've given the exact same sentence OP said, and now I'm worrying about the extent of my sarcasm.
AKGirlinSD 20
91, just to **** with the crazy neighbor, I would have said something along the same lines, followed by a wink. It throws them off :-).
stephhrunsaway 21
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
What did you expect him to do? Say,"Oh, right" and sip his tea?
reallytho3 11
I'd say op expected him to mind his own business to worry about and stop being nosy... But that's just me
jetsown08 21
Hey, I've seen worse. Like a nether portal opening in my backyard releasing archaic demons into the world. But you don't see me snitching to the 5-0, do you?
reallytho3 11
*find
LappDance 16
Find his own business? Yeah, that makes much more sense.
AKGirlinSD 20
19, that just seems exciting! Have any pictures? ;-) (For the people who can't sense sarcasm, I'm being sarcastic.)
Tragichero92 12
^ this mine craft reference, me gusta !
TREEBISCUIT 3
That same thing happened to me, except instead of school kids, they were sheep, and instead of cops they were the board of judges from American Idol.
windycityassasin 6
Sense. Your comment makes none.
jetsown08 21
So let me try to make sense of this... you were burying sheep in your lawn, while American Idol judges watched you? I'm not even going to try to go any further... *facedesk*
gracehi 33
I think he was trying to make a joke that only sheep watch American Idol, and so the American Idol judges came to protect their sheep viewers. Sorry, man. I don't think comedy is your strength.
suxx4uu 0
I agree with 65
JoeRogansBEARD 15
I agree with 102 agreeing with 65
mrsquiggles6900 5
I agree with 139 agreeing with 102 agreeing with number 65
XtraEzeee 8
I disagree with all of you. >:( ...except 172.
PhilSnake22 13
I see no problem here...
pokefan813 16
I do...
Inediblepeaches 15
Am I the only person who understands sarcasm...?
TheArchAngel 8
96- This is totally and utterly unrelated..., but your picture is amazing. Alright I'm done now.