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By hdat - 11/06/2009 17:51 - Canada

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 981

You deserved it 16 224

By Anonymous - 03/06/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I was riding on my bike when a guy on the street shouted, "I LOVE YOU!" at me. I recently told my boyfriend I loved him, and his response was, "I don't love you but I won't treat you any differently." Perverts on the street love me, but my boyfriend doesn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 655

You deserved it 5 598

By hipprep83 - 20/03/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I found a bell that had been tied into the tassel of my ski hat by my twin sister as part of a longstanding prank war between us. I'm deaf and have apparently been jingling like an elf for over a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 514

You deserved it 67

By 12incher - 15/03/2009 04:45 - United States

Today, I was sitting in math class when I glanced over to the other side of the room and the hottest girl in the school is over there. I could see her thong so I instantly got a boner. About a minute later my teacher calls me up to the board to do a problem. I wore basketball shorts that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 656

You deserved it 42 744

By WhatTheFaf - 01/09/2011 14:40 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum yelled at me for wanting to apply to university courses that she doesn't approve of. I'm applying for Biomedical Sciences and Microbiology, she's an unemployed Jehovah's Witness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 054

You deserved it 2 977

By Anonymous - 21/06/2012 17:43 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after having been constipated for ages, I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears, and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital, because according to him, I must have had anal sex with someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 845

You deserved it 3 077

Denied!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I swam in a race against all of the girls in the midwest in the hardest, longest, most grueling race you can swim. I won. Happy but so tired I could barely move, I looked up to see my time. I had been disqualified. For flinching. Before the race started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 428

You deserved it 6 739

By poorgirl - 17/05/2016 13:03 - United States

Today, I was reminded what poverty is like when I had to choose between buying food and buying pads. Now, I have to take constant bathroom breaks and wipe off my pad. I don't get paid until after my period ends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 388

You deserved it 1 728

By Jessica - 19/03/2011 21:13 - Romania

Today, at 21 years of age, my doctor confirmed that I am, indeed, going bald. It wouldn't be such a bad thing, even expected, if I wasn't a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 468

You deserved it 3 486

Bad start to the day

By Concussed - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, as I showered, I sneezed, hit my face on the wall, got shampoo in my eyes, slipped on a bar of soap, bashed my head on the wall as I fell, grabbed at the walls to stop me from falling and happened to turn off the cold water, scorching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 080

You deserved it 6 144

By Kay - 23/02/2010 20:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I was looking down at my chest and noticed the hairs growing upon it. For a 16 year old, it's pretty impressive. It's a shame that I'm a girl though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 536

You deserved it 3 314

By Anonymous - 28/10/2009 08:03 - United States

Today, I cut my finger open with a spoon. After waiting for 4 hours in the emergency room, the doctor told me I was missing too much flesh to qualify for stitches. He then called 2 other doctors in to examine it. Apparently they had a contest for patient with most ridiculous injury. I won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 198

You deserved it 7 952

By soldierboy - 30/08/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, after nearly 2 years of continuous fighting in Afghanistan, my unit came home. We were booed at the airport. FML

I agree, your life sucks 141 841

You deserved it 13 793

By sumerflame07 - 01/12/2010 20:18 - United States

Today, while standing in line at the grocery store, the elderly lady in front of me had forgotten to pay for her milk. In the spirit of the season, I paid for it and wished her happy holidays. She snatched the milk and gave me an ugly look. Then huffed at me before stomping off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 379

You deserved it 3 808

By 11niko - 02/02/2012 04:57 - United States

Today, I tried to treat a cut on my butthole with Neosporin. I couldn't see it properly, so I had to use the front-facing camera on my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 098

You deserved it 7 028

By Lauraborealous - 05/09/2012 18:27 - Canada - Lloydminster

Today, I'm so broke that I hand-washed my socks with a bar of soap that I stole from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 451

You deserved it 3 112

Lauraborealous tells us more.

Lauraborealous 4

Friday 7 September 2012 6:39

for those saying that I should have stolen laundry soap or similar, i work at a restaurant, this wouldn't be possible

By loving wife - 21/04/2013 10:20 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had to convince my husband that I'm not having an affair all because I refused to have sex with him. Apparently the fact that I gave birth to our twins 10 days ago isn't a good enough reason to turn him down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 420

You deserved it 7 636

Thanks, I hate it

By Anonymous - 06/03/2011 11:28 - Reserved

Today, my husband told me I was lucky to have someone who would love me no matter what my vagina smelled like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 686

You deserved it 23 009

The revenge of the nerds

By Anonymous - 24/12/2010 15:12 - United States

Today, I met up with an old high school friend who I used to make fun of because he put so much effort into his studies. Turns out he makes my annual salary in a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 111

You deserved it 97 554

By bob - 03/07/2012 17:33 - United States - Fairborn

Today, I woke up to a nude picture of my girlfriend. Once I looked at it my morning wood went away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 048

You deserved it 9 405

Love is…

By Anon - 01/05/2009 14:17 - United States

Today, I had woken up very excited to celebrate my 21st birthday. I rolled over in bed and asked my boyfriend if we could go out to the park to have a picnic, considering the lovely weather. He looked up at me and said, "You wish I loved you that much." He rolled back over and slept until 3pm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86 739

You deserved it 9 341

Hi, bye!

By Hate2Date - 05/04/2010 05:14 - United States

Today, fifteen minutes after dinner was served, my blind date said, "It's good that you're smart. Not to be rude, but most girls aren't. I mean, at some point, I'm going to pull my dick out of your mouth and then it's good if you have something interesting to say." Check please. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 938

You deserved it 8 196

By Anonymous - 03/02/2011 20:59 - United States

Today, the midwest blizzard hit my town, burying the roads in snow. All the local stores are closed. I'm not only currently on my period, but I'm out of pads and toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 515

You deserved it 10 497

By Protectress - 23/08/2011 06:50 - United States

Today, while going around trying to find a job, a manager came up to ask me, "Are you looking to work here?" I nodded happily, hoping this would be the end of my search. She looked me up and down, saw I had a jacket on to hide my tattoos and said, "Sorry, I can't hire heroin addicts." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 227

You deserved it 10 523

By Anonymous - 10/04/2012 20:57 - United States - Muskegon

Today, my boyfriend decided that he didn't need a real job. He wants to sell pot for a living. Or hang drywall. He can't decide. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 370

You deserved it 6 727

By noeducation - 27/08/2009 09:16 - Canada

Today, I found out why my parents have been trying to convince me not to go to college this year. I also found out where the $20,000 they just spent on landscaping came from. My college fund. Which is now $0. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 425

You deserved it 3 038

By Anonymous - 10/12/2013 21:06 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out that I am bleeding from my cervix and must refrain from having sex for the next two weeks. My fiancé pointedly asked if my cervix has anything to do with my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 131

You deserved it 11 039

Awkward

By Jeremy - 07/08/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, I was getting it on with a girl I've been talking to for three months. She's a year younger than me and it was her first time. So, I went easy. After five minutes she started crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she said that I reminded her of her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 482

You deserved it 7 434

Mind your own business, lady

By Anonymous - 12/06/2013 16:47 - United States - Trenton

Today, I left my dog in the car while I quickly ran into a store. I came out to a woman smashing at my window, screaming that it was too hot in the car for the dog and saying I was being inhumane. The car was still running and the air conditioning was on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 763

You deserved it 9 095

By yeah - 22/06/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, I entered my first professional fight as a mixed martial artist. It's been my dream to become a UFC champion one day. All I do is train and watch UFC fights all day. I was out cold in a matter of seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 767

You deserved it 27 803

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The Top

Today, I had numerous calls from people saying they need a baby sitter, because "they know I wasn't invited anywhere". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 352

You deserved it 2 679

Today, I received a $20 gift card to Tim Horton's as a prize, and decided to use it. At the register, I was told that I'd essentially won an empty gift card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 097

You deserved it 4 133

Today, someone tried to steal my backpack from the hook on the bathroom stall. Good news: they were caught off-guard by how heavy it was and dropped it. Bad news: my foot is now broken from using it to cushion the backpack's fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 352

You deserved it 4 640

Today, we were in the car with my puppy, who favours my sister. She had been sat on her lap for a while, when she stood up and climbed onto my lap. I was really pleased until she peed on me and then went straight back to my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 684

You deserved it 3 523

Today, while in a bathroom stall at work, I pulled out my phone to play Candy Crush. Somehow, I hit the volume button, and my phone blasted a YouTube ad for men’s body spray. The whole room went silent. Then I heard someone say, “You need it, son.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 93

You deserved it 408

Today, my girlfriend began bitching about how I never take her on dates anymore. I suggested one for tomorrow and now she says she doesn’t wanna go, because, “I should ask her on a date without her having to ask.” What the hell? FML

I agree, your life sucks 334

You deserved it 304