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How could you?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was woken up by my 5 year-old daughter hitting me with a pillow because she had a dream that I was using her toothbrush on the dog. We don't have a dog. She is now refusing to brush her teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 505

You deserved it 4 226

By Angela - 27/02/2011 01:56 - United States

Today, I made plans with an old friend that I haven't seen in years. We agreed to meet at a diner and I told him I'd be standing outside. I watched him pull up, look right at me, then do something with his phone. Seconds later, I got a text saying, "Sorry, but I'm busy today and can't make it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 289

You deserved it 3 524

By dmachin - 08/02/2010 19:30 - France

Today, I visited my grandmother who has dementia. She thought I was my father, and told me that I should never have married my mother, let alone have had children with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 168

You deserved it 2 137

By yournick - 31/01/2011 21:23 - Canada

Today, at my job as a cashier, a very old man came through my checkout. His purchase consisted of a box of condoms and a can of whipped cream. The creepy smile he gave me has scarred me for life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 300

You deserved it 4 846

By Anonymous - 21/01/2015 04:29 - United States - Bentonville

Today, thinking he was being so hilarious, my friend slipped me enough laxatives to make a horse shit its intestines out. I haven't been able to move from the toilet for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 039

You deserved it 2 899

By jodafish - 08/11/2011 05:45 - Canada

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because I couldn't tell her where the vitamins were in the pharmacy. The manager came and yelled at me for being lazy and incompetent. I work in the store across the street from the pharmacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 623

You deserved it 2 701

By nukebroadcast - 16/12/2010 06:32 - United States

Today, I found out what sound a hammer makes when it strikes the back of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 336

You deserved it 6 019

By Mike Polk - 03/10/2011 12:37 - United States

Today, there was a guy following me, so to avoid him, I crouched down and basically waddled behind a wall to get past him. Sure enough, first thing I see when I get around the corner, while still waddling, was an unhappy midget couple staring right at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 211

You deserved it 5 952

By Anonymous - 01/12/2010 10:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to take a short cut driving through the snow. I skidded to avoid an oncoming car and ended up in someone's garden, inches from their brand new extension. The house belonged to a police officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 370

You deserved it 32 033

By buttuglyforeveralone :( - 05/07/2013 21:37 - United Kingdom - Treharris

Today, my step-dad tried to talk me into getting plastic surgery. His reasoning: "Let's face it, 28 and single? Look, I know your mum gave you shitty genes, but that's no excuse to avoid fixing your face, honey." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 617

You deserved it 3 517

By seagull hater - 09/07/2012 15:44 - United States - San Diego

Today, I left my sunroof on my truck open for 5 minutes while I ran into the bank. When I came out, a seagull had gotten into my truck. I managed to open the doors and get it out, but not before it tore up a seat and pooped everywhere inside my truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 708

You deserved it 7 462

Three's a crowd

By Anonymous - 13/08/2014 11:33 - Australia - Rooty Hill

Today, I succeeded in getting a seat on a crowded bus. I regretted this when, after a couple of stops, a big guy boarded the bus and stood next to me with his penis pressed against my shoulder. Longest. Bus ride. Ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 706

You deserved it 4 026

Asshat

By need an appendickectomy - 17/03/2013 20:12 - Finland

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me for months. It all started while I was in the hospital, he says, because we were supposed to go out that day, but then I "had to go and get sick." He blames my emergency surgery for his infidelity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 918

You deserved it 3 201

By FattestUgliestPerson - 18/01/2014 09:45 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my husband jokingly told my daughter when she passes gas in public, she needed to blame it on the fattest and ugliest person there. We went shopping after and she let a HUGE fart out. She gasped, "Mommy!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 208

You deserved it 7 705

By kittykat - 08/08/2009 18:02 - United States

Today, I snuck out of my bedroom to go pee very quickly, so I wouldn't wake up my new puppy who doesn't like being away from me. In the 60 seconds it took me to pee, wash my hands and walk back into the room she had pooped, peed, and left potty-paw-prints all over my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 660

You deserved it 8 122

By gatewayev700 - 26/02/2015 16:18 - United States - Reading

Today, my mom told me she'd canceled my spring break trip to Europe for my 16th birthday. Why? So I could get my wisdom teeth pulled 2 months early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 136

You deserved it 5 287

By unemployed - 10/07/2009 15:08 - United States

Today, I was at a second interview for a job that I really need as I got laid off last month. Midway through the interview, I went to cross my legs and realized I had 2 different shoes on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 154

You deserved it 20 888

By ray - 17/11/2011 11:22 - United States

Today, I learned how hard it is to remove peanut butter from your own eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 045

You deserved it 24 203

Gender bending

By Recluse - 21/11/2014 18:18

Today, the girl I'd been dating online for 6 months told me she was a guy. I said it was alright, and that I was still in love. Then she confessed she really was a girl, and was just trying to make me dump her so she wouldn't be the "bad guy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 694

You deserved it 7 600

By Anonymous - 13/11/2014 18:50 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 5 years. She bitched me out for not getting the ring she had been "hinting" me to get, and angrily left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 487

You deserved it 4 988

By Hormones apparently - 08/12/2015 02:32 - United States - Westerville

Today, I was so inexplicably horny that I had to shuffle awkwardly and use my bag to hide the wetness of my pants as I left work for the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 047

You deserved it 3 573

By LOTRfail - 27/07/2012 02:13 - United States - Malden

Today, my husband and I were watching Lord of the Rings. My husband told me he sees the eye of Sauron every time he goes down on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 357

You deserved it 4 083

Policy of truth

By Lisaaa - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, it was my little girl's birthday and her grandparents came over to celebrate. One of the presents from her grandparents turned out to be a sweater. She then asked, "Mommy, may I please lie?" When I shook my head no, she exclaimed, "I hate this ugly sweater!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 854

You deserved it 35 111

By lalibear - 03/05/2009 16:07 - United States

Today, I left the sliding glass door to our townhouse open because it was such a beautiful day. Our new puppy, whom we have been potty training, peed in the yard and I praised him relentlessly. He then walked inside the house, pooped on the carpet, and ran back outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 312

You deserved it 7 307

By Username - 01/08/2011 04:41 - United States

Today, the crazy cat lady who lives next to me lost one of her cats. She sat outside with a whistle at 6:00 this morning and continued to blow her whistle for hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 941

You deserved it 2 728

By slayerdeath - 20/05/2012 05:19 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, my girlfriend went in for a kiss too fast and broke my front tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 646

You deserved it 2 552

A tad insecure

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Anchorage

Today, I confronted my girlfriend over how she and a male friend have been going out together, drinking and partying, and at one point holding hands in the street. She angrily accused ME of cheating, because "confronting people like that" is apparently something only cheaters themselves do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 914

You deserved it 5 150

By anon - 01/07/2011 19:22 - United States

Today, I ran to my car and zoomed to work to avoid being late. I was in such a hurry, I forgot to close all my windows. When I got back to my car, I found a dead squirrel inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 436

You deserved it 8 863

By Anonymous - 18/10/2009 13:36 - Sweden

Today, I got diagnosed with a condition that expresses itself in the form of violent diarrhea whenever I get nervous. Now I am constantly nervous about getting nervous about anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 511

You deserved it 2 898

By car - 21/08/2010 05:25 - Australia

Today, after a costly fix for my brakes that failed a while back as I was going down a hill, I found a $130 bill in the mail attached to a speed camera photo of me shitting myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 748

You deserved it 4 103

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The Top

Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to pretend it didn't happen and continued. He humped me with a half-erect noodle for about seven minutes before I finally called him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 318

You deserved it 6 137

Today, my boyfriend called my cell. I picked up and said, "Hi, this is Lisa and I want you to fuck me raw." It was my dad. He was at my boyfriend's parents' house and forgot his phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 854

You deserved it 36 043

Today, I walked into Old Navy to buy myself a pair of jingle jammies. Save yourself the embarrassment: don't shake the jammies in the middle of the store to hear the jingling, because these jammies do not jingle. You'll just look like an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 129

You deserved it 34 736

Today, I got the flu. Feeling really sick and depressed, I called my boyfriend to get some comfort. When he didn't answer his phone, I called his house, only to hear his mother telling me, "He was so sad that you guys broke up." I didn't know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 703

You deserved it 2 507

Today, I feel guilty masturbating to Russian porn on the hub. Then I feel even more guilty because that's just wrong, because people in Ukraine and Russia both have much bigger problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 295

You deserved it 1 210

Today, it's been 5 years since I had a high paying job, the opportunity for promotion, and work on a project in the field I have wanted to work in since I was a kid, as well as a budding social life. How am I doing now? It's been 5 years since I first became nearly bedridden with a debilitating illness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 551

You deserved it 72