Today, my boyfriend confessed to me that he purposely makes me angry, because when I'm angry, I clean, and it saves him having to do it himself. FML
Today, I was woken up early in the morning by the sound of my mother frantically crying out for help. Apparently she had tried, unsuccessfully, to "end the suffering" of an injured squirrel by drowning it in the toilet. How? By placing it into the bowl and smothering it with clothes. My clothes. FML
Today, I was at the movies. All of a sudden, the woman next to me starts laughing uncontrollably and talking to her friend during the movie. This continued throughout the movie, ruining it. I turned and whispered to my friend. The woman then taps me on the shoulder and yells, "Shut the fuck up!" FML
fmlatmovies tells us more.
actually all you haters out there, i didn't have enough room to put my response! i actually turned to her and told her to **** off and to take her annoying fat ass out of the theater because she was blocking the view for everyone and no one could hear the movie over her irritating voice that makes people want to dropkick babies! that shut her up for the rest of the movie.
Today, I was hanging out with a guy that I really like. When he gave me a hug goodbye, he slid his hand into the back pocket of my jeans. It was glorious until I farted on his hand. FML
Today, I put a tampon in. The string broke. I had to go to the hospital to get it out. FML
Today, my husband decided he needs to be thanked after every time he changes our daughter's diaper; if not he throws a temper tantrum. Now I have two babies to deal with. FML
Today, I discovered that if I put my ankles on my boyfriend's shoulders while we are having sex, I will pee myself. FML
Today, I was sitting on a bus. I'm deaf. An old lady looked very angry at me and started talking. Then she looked like she was screaming. I had to type on my phone that I'm deaf. Apparently, I'd been stepping on her foot. She decided to poke me in the eye and type, "Now you're blind too." FML
Today, I went to the doctor. For the past year, my stomach would get upset every time I ate. Attempting to ease the pain, I would always eat a piece of bread. My doctor told me I have Celiac disease, which means I'm allergic to gluten. I'm allergic to bread. FML
LaineyLove tells us more.
I'm the one who wrote the FML. I'll clear some things up for those of you who think I deserved it. The FMLs have to be short so I couldn't write the whole story. My main symptoms were severe joint and muscle pain along with cramping and headaches. The stomach pain was constant, not just when I ate bread. I had a hard time even digesting vegetables. I went to doctors practically every week and scoured the internet. I was finally "diagnosed" with fibromyalgia and IBS. My first Celiac blood test came back negative, but finally my gastroenterologist figured it out. I'm now gluten-free, and I'm feeling much better (although hungry). And I'm a pre-med student, so I'm not an idiot. I saw at least 5 different doctors and specialists. I even went to Mayo Clinic. Celiac can be a very difficult diagnosis as the symptoms are often non-specific. Thanks for all the tips on gluten-free food. It's time for me to start cooking!
Today, the day before I was going to move in with my army fiancé, he was told he would be deployed very soon. I can't pay for the apartment without him, and now have to move back in with my parents until he returns from active duty. FML
Today, at a supermarket entrance, a seemingly drunk old lady said, "Sir?" as I passed by. I just ignored her and walked in. When I walked out with my groceries fifteen minutes later, several people were standing around her, calling for an ambulance. She'd passed out on the ground. FML
Today, my daughter called me telling me she had her twin girls. She named them Juli and Anne. Her name is Julianne. Her kids are going to fucking hate her. FML
Today, while I was working as a waitress, I had to wait on a table of 13 people. I was struggling through it and when they finally left I went by the table to pick up my tip. Instead of a money I got a napkin saying, "Here's your tip, don't be a waitress." FML
Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML
Today, my looks alone made a girl cry. FML
Today, I heard vibrating from inside my husband's desk drawer. Since he's away for the weekend, I investigated. I found an unfamiliar cellphone with an inbound call. I answered it. Turns out, it was his mistress. Neither of us can get a hold of him. FML
Today, my 28-year-old brother who has been pranking me all my life, put a chocolate cupcake on my chair. I sat on it, with my white dress. On my wedding day. FML
Today, I was on the phone bragging to a friend about losing my virginity last night. When I went downstairs, my 6 year-old sister was digging through my purse. She explained that she had overheard my conversation and wanted to help me find my virginity. My mom was in the kitchen with us. FML
Today, I returned home to find that my boyfriend's dog had gotten into the garbage and ripped all my used pads to shreds. There's a trail of Always tatters leading to his dog bed, and blood everywhere. My blood. Oh God. FML
Today, I was escorted out of a grocery store for beating my boyfriend with a block of cheese. FML
cricketsins tells us more.
cricketsins 36
Let me give some details before the blasting gets too bad: "beating" was an exaggeration. I was not literally bludgeoning him with a block of cheese. I'm sure that somewhere, someone has done this. That person was not me. It all started because he and I were picking up a few items and he just *happened* to lead me to the cheese aisle in the deli. I love cheese; he knows this and was teasing me. So, one poke led to a pinch, and all of a sudden my cheese-rage took hold and I was swatting him with a block of cheese. It was all in good fun. We are always joking and wrestling around. While we have both seriously hurt one another while wrestling, it's always an accident.
Today, the girl I'm in love with invited me to stay with her in Europe for 2 weeks, she's even paying for the flights and accommodation. It's because I'm such a special friend to her, and she wants me to come up to meet her fiancé before she gets married. FML
Today, I made a mistake at work that got seven people fired. I'm scared to leave the office because they're all outside. FML
Today, I found out I have a daughter. How did I find out? She added me on Facebook. FML
Today, I was on my girlfriend's computer. When searching on google, her browsing history popped up. The first thing was "Best positions for a small penis." FML
Today, I learned that ham is part of a pig, and not a completely different animal. I'm eighteen. FML
Today, I discovered that the only reason my husband is taking yoga classes with me is because he wants to be flexible enough to suck his own rod. FML
Today, I got asked to Homecoming by the person I really like. I said yes and I was really excited. But my best friend who has liked me since the 6th grade wasn't. He went and broke my date's jaw. FML
Today, I was crying because my cat died. My boyfriend cupped my face in his hands, looked me straight into the eyes and said, "I love seeing you cry." FML
Today, my mother came home from the grocery store with a 20kg bag of carrots, and nothing else. She then informed me that, for as long as my girlfriend and I keep 'going at it like rabbits', she would be feeding me like one. FML
Today, I realized that a Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering does not offer enough knowledge and experience to accomplish some simple, everyday tasks. I have spent the last 12 years designing large robots to scour the seabed for shipwrecks yet the mechanism used to unhook a bra eludes me. FML
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