Today, I discovered that the only reason my husband is taking yoga classes with me is because he wants to be flexible enough to suck his own rod. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, it's been a little over a month since my dad started taking yoga lessons. We always joked around behind his back that he was just doing it so he could get flexible enough to suck himself off. Well, that joke was confirmed as reality when I walked in on him trying just that. FML
Today, my husband decided he'd rather jerk off to the Wii Fit trainer than have sex with me. FML
Today, while having sex, I found out that I'm so flexible that when I bend over backwards, the backs of my knees can touch my shoulders. My boyfriend is now extremely jealous and is debating about breaking up with me. Even I don't get it. FML
Today, my boyfriend forced me to do stretching exercises with him before and after sex as a "safety precaution". FML
Today, I was wearing my yoga pants for my boyfriend. He's infatuated with them. He claims they make my ass look nice. I found out it's because I constantly get a camel toe, and it gives him a semi every time he sees it. I found this out by listening to him and his father at dinner. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were reminiscing and sharing funny stories of when we were little. It was then that he told me he used to be flexible enough to suck his own weiner. FML
Today, after confronting my husband about lack of intimacy in our marriage, I found him playing with himself. His response to my shock was, "This is less work and less involving." FML
Today, my husband has recently discovered prostate play. He is now using my sextoys to pleasure himself and not telling me until after. He doesn't see the problem. FML
Today, I finally got into a yoga class with the instructor I've been crushing on for 2 years. As he walked closer to greet me, I lifted my leg over my head into a full split, and queefed obnoxiously loud. He responded with his gag reflex. FML
Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML
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Top comments
saintsrocksocks 10
Well somebody has to do it if you won't.
ChefPhilly 13
Maybe somebody isn't doing their job enough...
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Comments (265)
saintsrocksocks 10
Well somebody has to do it if you won't.
JiggaJayZ 16
Once he has reached his goal he will be completely independent and will no longer have a need for the female species. OP, I'd take a ride on that disco stick and see if you can change his mind before it's too late.
bigtaytay 13
I agree. That only says that he's doing it cuz OP never does
HelloGuys 4
Thats just nasty
saintsrocksocks 10
It is nasty but why'd you post it on my thread?
HowAreYouToday 34
Ah thread-jackers. The horror, eh?
saintsrocksocks 10
The thought of them gives me the creeps.
gottalovecondoms 0
I do it, I don't care what anyone thinks.
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
45- I guess you don't understand the Cleveland reference.
iGrassYourSister 6
wow finally I can agree with someone on fml
FMLoverAgain 7
I want to be talented like you
saintsrocksocks 10
Well Kendall does it have anything to do with my thread?
cajekraze 7
If you want something done right...
greenie213 23
...then you ask Chuck Norris to Do it.
_duhastmich 11
He could always just get a rib removed.
_duhastmich 11
34 - definitely just read that in Cleveland's voice. Made me lol
sens3sfailing 25
Uuuhhh...no. Your ribs are not what prevents one from being able to suck ones own rob. It's your spine that would need to bend more for it be possible, ribs have nothing to do with it. That stuff about Marilyn Manson getting ribs removed to do that is bs. He may very well have gotten ribs removed, but it wouldn't have allowed him to do that on its own
missmurderx 8
There's a gay kid with a mild form of autism at my school that took a video of him sucking himself on his iPod and showed it to people. :/
saintsrocksocks 10
Wow, already broadcasting himself as a pornstar?
Tylerdre 6
Well this fml kinda blows ._.
tjv3 10
Doesn't he realize that even though it is his own dick that he is still sucking a dick? Hope he puts ketchup on it
Dimence 9
I've heard that the main cause of cheating is because ones partner cannot do the job. Your husband seems to have found another solution, you should be thankful op! Now make sure you suck that dick better next time, because if yoga fails, he might find someone else who does it for him...
ShadowPeo 11
Beat me to it
Gregory607 1
Well done number 1
DKjazz 20
I stood up and cheered, #1.
BulldogHoops 14
I doubt that, # 210.
saintsrocksocks 10
228, shh, you're just jealous of 210s awesomeness.
carriema 7
Am I the only one wondering how she found this out?
krmc822 6
Bwahahaha
QuiProQuo_fml 1
Marylin Manson much??
Redoxx_fml 22
Chakras everyone love chakras
DracoSpirita 21
What do chakras have to do with the FML at all?
SqueakyChipmunk 22
If everyone loves chakras, everybody hates Chris.
wistfulorangeade 12
Chakra sandwich is good! Yum.
Rano0o 10
Chakra
killdozer1 2
If you want to suck your dick, just have your floating ribs removed.
NOOBSQUAD 0
Tell him just to get rid of some ribs, problem solved :)
TheLoneWolf87 4
Marilyn Manson?
saintsrocksocks 10
Noob would it make you gay if you sucked your own dick?
NOOBSQUAD 0
If your motive is to do homosexualy then yes
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
Her husband wouldn't be gay. He could be bisexual, or just like masturbating that way. If he was gay, he wouldn't have a wife, and would be with another guy. Yes, there's always the possibility that he's in the closet, but honestly?
lonkite101 14
It's just a form of masturbation...
NOOBSQUAD 0
I remember reading a FML about a woman who's husband of some odd number of kids, and husband of 7 years told her that he was gay and the only way he was able to achieve an erection was because she looked like a man.
saintsrocksocks 10
Maybe he's using his wife as a cover up. You never know sometimes.
NOOBSQUAD 0
Ionkiye if a man wants a penis in his mouth he is either gay or bisexual
saintsrocksocks 10
Noob I remember that FML
DocBastard 40
Noobsquad - No. If a man is sexually attracted to men, THAT makes him homosexual (or bisexual if he is attracted to women also). Autofellatio is a form of masturbation, not gay sex.
NOOBSQUAD 0
Sucking your own penis may still be masturbating, but you can't say that you aren't gay or bisexual if your sucking a dick and liking it. And I know this is gonna get thumbed down because I'm arguing with docbastard.
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
*you're And it's your own dick! And every time you jack off, that means you like a penis in your hand. So that's the equivalent of jacking another man off, right? Of course not.
DocBastard 40
No, it's going to get thumbed down because you're dead wrong. Sucking a dick doesn't make you gay, especially if it is your own. Look up "homosexuality", and nowhere in the definition is "If you suck a dick, you're gay" found.
perdix 31
#15, no, that would make you autosexual.
Enslaved 38
Just wait 'til some of you guys ********** and think-- I must be gay 'cause I'm enjoying stroking this penis in my hand. I'd love to know what ends up going through your head.:P Happy petting!
saintsrocksocks 10
Perdix it would make you auto of all you did was hand anal and giving yourself blow jobs. Now of you had sex with other people no you wouldn't be auto you'd be masturbating.
NOOBSQUAD 0
Im really not gonna argue because the truth is you could ********** with your hand to heterosexual **** and people aren't gonna think you're gay, but if you're sucking your own **** (obviously you can't see the ****) then people will question your motive.
DocBastard 40
And there is your problem, Noobsquad - who the **** cares what other people think your motives are? If someone thinks you're gay, does that make you gay?
NOOBSQUAD 0
No it doesn't make you gay, because someone thinks you are, but you can't say who cares, because as humans are emotions will make us feel like it matters that someone thinks we are something that we are not, for example if I told everyone docbastard sucks his own dick and everyone believes you are gay you would care wouldn't you?
paolayupp 6
He needs to do it Marylin Manson style.
NOOBSQUAD 0
Docbastard that was a good argument.
saintsrocksocks 10
Noob apparently the moderators don't want to listen to you...
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
I wonder why the mods deleted that thread.
shadexilmaendu 4
Manson never did that actually. The rumor started because one of his girlfriends would dress up as him and suck his dick on stage ;p
br0ccoli 15
155- They can have a girl suck his dick on stage?!?! Isn't there a sanctioning body ******** bricks about that?
KiddNYC1O 22
At least the head wasn't bitten off as in other concerts...
ChefPhilly 13
Maybe somebody isn't doing their job enough...
Allahu_Akbar 1
How do you know OP is a prostitute?
MichellinMan 20
^ I think you've skipped a few levels.
madskittlesftw 5
156- I thought the same thing but then I looked at 5's picture.. Coincidence? I think not.
bitchwhore 20
Wow 136, that escalated quickly...
shihtzupup98 3
It isn't her job to suck his dick just because she is his wife.....
kittycat2007 18
sounds like a good reason. Hes still spending time with you. Enjoy it.
ImaginaryFoe 1
Exactly. Enjoy spending time with him then really enjoy how cut his abs will be from all the crunches he'll be doing trying to get into position.
mercsl65 7
let and watching him look comoketely ridiculous. im assuming you have tried fulfilled his desire with your own umm abilities
thatKidzmOm 10
I'm confused :-/
putloginhere 6
Same.. Can you retype that for us?
saintsrocksocks 10
English please?
ManInTheMachine 20
Doc! Your Idiot English Translation Engine is gonna get a workout today!
fbear10 5
Well... I think what was trying to be said was, "let him do it and watch him look completely ridiculous " .... I assume that everyone gets the rest... ??
badg3r4life 0
Woah... Grammar is important as well as spelling...
DocBastard 40
It's already been working on it for 10 minutes! Stand by... *whirr* *bzzz* *click* *DING!* "Let him try, and watch him look completely ridiculous. I'm assuming you have tried fulfilling his desires but don't have the, um, abilities. Isn't huffing paint fumes through a used diaper fun?" You're welcome.
swankmrpancake 8
Once again doc comes to the rescue. Where would we be without that amazing translator?
Eiregal2 10
Confused.com,that's where!
Llamacod 11
bravo doc, bravo
Paco_el_Taco 17
Don't knock it until you've tried it! But yeah, pretty pathetic.
novakdawg 1
I think that's a sign that you "suck" at sucking the schlong
ydi_4_suking 20
I think it's more like OP is lacking on schlong sucking
ProhibitionRose 14
Or maybe OPs husband prefers strong male lips wrapped around him instead?
Bliss391 7
You know I've heard guys say that if they would they could, but I've never known any of them to put effort into it like that. I'm not sure if this is an fml or just very odd.
lonkite101 14
10- of course it's an FML, because its on FML. And plus do you mean if they could they would?
Bliss391 7
Yes, my apologies that is what I meant. And I don't know about you, but I have seen a couple fml's on here that I really didn't think we're fml situations.
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
I heard a rumor that Marilyn Manson cut out a few of his ribs to be able to do it. Yes, that rumor is false, but it damn sure is creative. OP's husband, take a hint.
StupidBunnies 10
Manson had his stage partner dress up to look identical to him do it, hence people saying he sucked his dick.
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
I'm a MM fan. I knew that wasn't true. Re-read my comment.