Today, I took my dogs to an empty park. While they were running around, I laid down in the grass to read a book. Someone thought I was a dead body and called the cops. The police and paramedics showed up. This is the second time it's happened. FML
Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy this past summer after our son was born and only took one of the two tests. I haven't cheated. He refuses to believe me or get his spunk checked again. FML
Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML
Today, my new boyfriend came over to my apartment for the first time. Up until now I thought he was great, but when he spotted the book I'm currently reading next to my couch, he uttered the immortal question, "Why do you read?" FML
Today, my boyfriend asked my father for permission to marry me. My father refused, on the basis that I'm the only person in the house with a job, and if I leave he will have to start looking for work. My boyfriend won't marry me without his permission, and my lazy father won't change his mind. FML
Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on "business trips." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to one another. He then did a naked victory lap around his dad's house, blasting Akon's "I Just Had Sex" at full volume. He's legally an adult. FML
Today, it was my first time with my boyfriend, at his house, in his Dora the Explorer sheets. FML
Today, the girl I love made me text my best friend how much she loved him. This because her phone died. I was at the movies with her on our date. FML
Today, I found out my husband had bought my one year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML
Today, I had to admit that my jealousy issues were becoming a problem when I almost told my boyfriend not to apply at the local McDonald's, because of the high school girls that would see him there. FML
Today, I dislocated my arm while trying to escape from underneath a flipped over kayak. Who saved me? My two brothers-in-law. Who didn't? My husband, because his "feet were hurting." FML
Today, I discovered after 11 months, my girlfriend is finally ready to have sex. I discovered this by walking in on her and one of my friends. FML
Today, I learned that when you put duct tape over your mouth because you are bored, it really hurts taking it off. FML
Today, my doctor told me I should consider a breast reduction. I'm a man. FML
Today, I went up to a girl at a bus stop and started chatting her up. Her response? "Am I being robbed?" FML
Today, I walked in on my son and his friend comparing their penis sizes. They're 6. FML
Today, I started to seductively kiss my girlfriend on the neck. When I asked her if she liked it, she said, "Yes, because I don't have to smell your breath." FML
Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when a large lady and her friend blocked the aisle I was trying to go down. After saying, "Excuse me," twice and being ignored, I pushed my way through. After getting past, I looked back and noticed she was glaring at me while signing to her friend. FML
Today, while playing The Sims 2, I realized I had a virtual person's whole life planned out, and have nothing planned out for myself. FML
Today, I reached the point in my life where Target is the "expensive" store. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. I was playing with his little sister by grabbing her arms and spinning her around. On one turn, she started screaming in pain. It turns out I dislocated both her shoulders. FML
Today, I had to explain to my husband why putting on dirty underwear after a shower defeats the purpose. We had this discussion in the middle of me giving him head. FML
Today, I was working as a cashier at a restaurant. When I receive $50 and $100 bills I am required to have a manager check to make sure they are not counterfeit. Every manager I found yelled at me to find another manager because they were busy. Frustrated, I just accepted the bill. It was fake. FML
Today, I brought home a ukulele I had just bought. Excited, I showed my dad. He then looked at me, smirked, and said "Just like everything else you have, it's a bit smaller than normal." FML
Today, I was sitting in my room while my mom was talking to my uncle. I had my door open. She said, "Yeah my son doesn't know I have his phone password. Girls nowadays are real sluts." FML
Today, I learned that what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas. This includes my one night stand who turned up outside my front door with a suitcase in her hand. FML
Today, I was at lunch with my mom and we were talking about how to tell my brother that Santa Claus isn't real. After we finished our conversation, I heard someone crying. Little did I know, two little kids and their parents were sitting in the booth behind me. FML
Today, I was at a Buddhist shrine and wanted to light a candle for my friend who's having a rough time, when I got stung by a bee. I spent the next hour with a swollen shoulder. How does karma work again? FML
Today, I walked in on my sister plucking her nipples. A shame I didn't get a big fuck-off bottle of brain bleach for Christmas. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
