Today, I walked in on my fiancé while he was masturbating to the Spice Girls movie. FML
Today, my dad demonstrated just how incredibly illiterate he is. He sent me a chain email about the awful lives of people with "Asparagus syndrome". FML
Today, in my role as a social worker, I was ordered by the court to take a very pregnant, petite 15-year-old for a prenatal exam. I'm an adult man. As she waddled into her appointment, I turned to see hate-filled stares in the entire waiting room. FML
Today, I left my daughter with a babysitter for the first time. When I came home, my microwave was ruined because they had attempted to heat cans of Play-Doh as a science experiment. FML
Today, I started training my replacement for my job. My replacement already makes more money per hour than I do. FML
MySonshine7 tells us more.
MySonshine7 13
OP here. I'll start by saying I'm leaving tis job voluntarily. I'm moving to a new town, I'll actually be making more at my new job. I have no hard feelings towards my current company. They even offered to pay me more to get me to stay, but sadly they don't have a branch in the town I'm moving too. To be clear this is a manager position I worked up too and they decided to raise the starting pay of my job after they started looking for someone. Apparently they think if the pay is good enough they might get someone as close to how good I am. So I took that As a compliment, I don't plan on screwing the new girl over. I just find it funny they wait until they are losing me to finally listen to me about how my department is under appreciated. I do wish them all the best though, they are making some great strides to being better. Sorry for the long response!
Today, I was denied an animal adoption because I said "babies" instead of "kittens". Apparently that means I'm not serious about pet ownership. What?! FML
Today, I was at a very important meeting with a client and I had to use the bathroom. I was so nervous that I squirted white soap all up my suit jacket. My client walked in and commented on my "jizzy" blazer. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex to music, which we hadn't done before. I was getting close when it cut to commercial. I was so turned off by the idea of coming during an ad break that I didn't come at all. Thanks Spotify. FML
Today, I mentioned to my parents that Sunday is going to be awesome because it's Christmas. They responded with "Wait, this Sunday? In 3 days?!" Apparently they forgot. FML
Today, my parents finally realized that I've been sneaking vodka when they weren't home. Note to self: don't let them freeze vodka that's actually 75% water. FML
Today, I found a great parking spot but I wasn't sure if it was restricted by any means or of I could just park there for free. I asked a police officer walking by and he told me it was alright, only to come back 4 hours later to find a ticket on my windshield. FML
Today, I was petting my female hamster when I felt a big mass under her. I immediately thought it was a tumor so I poked it to see if it hurt her. It didn't. Turns out my female hamster is actually a male, and he has really big balls. I touched my hamster's balls. FML
Today, I lifted up a watermelon, not realising it had gone bad. The thing exploded like an alien giving birth. Stinking juice and rotten inside all over the kitchen. Even behind the build-in closets. It smells like rotten fruit cheese and I can't reach behind the closets. FML
Today, I started my first day at work. When I used the bathroom, I thought I was peeing into the bowl but it was actually leaking out. My pants kindly cleaned up the mess. FML
Today, I had to abandon my normal duties and help out the electrician my boss called, all because my boss couldn't handle speaking to him since he was attractive. She's in her fifties. I'm in my twenties and I'm the more mature one. FML
C8H18 tells us more.
C8H18 33
The full immaturity: So the manager and supervisors, (all of which are middleaged females) were at the front of the building with me. Electrician arrives and I let him in the building. By the time I turn around, all the ladies are at the opposite side of the building. I don't think much of that at the time because I know a lot of people aren't comfortable working around wiring. So I help the guy out for the day. Once he left all the ladies suddenly appeared again; giggling and acting like little school girls. My manager started bombarding me with questions like, "What's his name?! He's so handsome! Is he married? When's he coming back? Will you warn me before he does?" I was quite shocked at the behavior honestly. He did return and I caught manager and supervisors spying around corners as we worked. He needed the managers signature for the work he'd done when he was finished. She refused to approach him because she was blushing too much. I had to bring her the paper in the back room before she'd sign it.
Today, my dad had a midlife crisis in the grocery store over his football career in high school. So he decided pelting me with vegetables and fruits would be a good idea. FML
Today, I walked home from work when a woman asked me to come inside for a free meal. It was at a homeless shelter. FML
Today, I got a soap that my doctor recommended, because I'm allergic to the vast majority of soaps. After driving 45 miles to the only store that sells it, and paying $12 for a bottle, I found out I'm allergic to it too. FML
Today, at the urinal a guy came up next to me to do his business. He stared over at me, looked down, laughed and then left. FML
Today, the highlight of my whole month was finally being able to take a solid crap. FML
Today, I got a missed call from a lady at an employment agency asking why I hadn't turned up to an information session for a potential job. Yesterday, the same lady told me the job position was canceled. FML
Today, I went to a karaoke bar for the first time. I'd never sung in front of others, but I gave it a try. I was accused of being way too drunk and was asked to leave. I didn't get kicked out in the end, but I was told that my singing voice sounds like a dying goat. FML
Today, I found out just how close my boyfriend has been getting to our new neighbour's teenage son. I came home from work to find them on my bed and my "straight" boyfriend head down ass up. FML
Today, I was dumped at the surprise party I threw for my boyfriend. FML
Today, while I was waiting for an interview, I picked at a something I felt on my chin thinking that it was just some food. I had a good interview, then I got into my car and looked in the mirror, only to see that I had blood smeared all over my chin. Turns out I had picked a zit. No one told me. FML
Today, as an overprotective mother, I asked my 19 year-old son, who was going to spend his day on the beach, if he’d taken any protection with him. He pulled out a box of condoms, beaming with pride. I was talking about suntan lotion. FML
Today, I locked my keys in the car while the car was running because I got out to get the parking ticket attached to my windshield. FML
Today, I helped my hoarder grandfather clean out his garage. Not only did I step on a nail, I also slipped in a puddle of used oil that's been sitting out for two years, and broke my nose. He didn't pay me since I wasn't able to finish the job. FML
Today, in a rush, I accidentally wore my sister's underwear. I'm a guy. I had gym class today. FML
Today, I finally matched with someone on Tinder after using it for a month. I sent a message and they unmatched. FML
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