Today, my husband and I were arguing, but I dropped it so we could calm down before discussing the matter again. Later on, he made us lasagna. The moment I swallowed the first mouthful, he smirked, then started snickering uncontrollably. What the fuck did he do to my food? FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my husband once again thought it would be funny to rage-bait our child during dinner. There was screaming, food being thrown around, and a whole lot of running around instead of eating. I already had a headache and was already overstimulated, so I had to fend off a meltdown. All this over chicken burgers. FML
Today, I was in a restaurant with my fiancée for dinner. I commented that she had some food around her mouth. She responded with a lecture, then by throwing her hot bowl of noodles at me, before stomping out the restaurant. FML
Today, as soon as I got home, my husband said he was hungry and that I needed to cook. I flipped my shit and yelled at him for a good half hour. Later, he pulled out his phone and showed me videos of me doing the exact thing to him, asking him to do things the second he walked in the door. FML
Today, I made a healthy, delicious dinner. My girlfriend picked at it until it went cold, then stuck it in the fridge. Later, she devoured a giant bowl of sugary cereal, then complained all night that her stomach hurt. This happens a lot. FML
Today, I got home from work and was immediately greeted by my wife following me around, moaning and complaining endlessly. I got so fed up that I went into the fridge, cut some cheese, and gave it to her, saying, "Some cheese to go with the whine." She broke the plate over my head. It was worth it. FML
Today, while my boyfriend and I were fighting in the car, I paused to take a bite of my burrito. Just at that moment, he slammed on the brakes, causing me to deepthroat my burrito. I threw up all over myself. He won the argument. FML
Today, I ate a slice of pizza that was left in the oven. Turns out it was my husband’s and he threw a tantrum over it. I profusely apologized and his response was, “Sorry is the cheating I’m gonna do if you keep this childish shit up!” He says stuff like that because he knows I can’t afford to leave. FML
Today, I was quietly admiring my boyfriend from outside the kitchen as he made us dinner, only to witness him drop a load of spaghetti on the floor, swear, then scoop it all up and place it back on the plate. FML
Today, my husband started a food fight. During our wedding reception. FML
Today, I showed my husband a recipe for the meal I wanted us to make tonight. He saw cumin was an ingredient and broke into hysterics. By the time he managed to stop laughing, he gasped that he couldn't eat something "with cumin it" and broke down laughing again. FML
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Top comments
Nyx_fml 23
After an argument, ALWAYS let the cook have the first bite.
olpally 33
You may have the ***** later op, STOP EATING NOW!
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Comments (119)
Nyx_fml 23
After an argument, ALWAYS let the cook have the first bite.
jlg337 11
I will keep that in mind!
puggypark 14
OP, you should make him a regular lunch meal. Like a sandwich, only with a cockroach in the middle
Sports_guy3 28
Next thing you know, OP's on the toilet.
mylifeequalsfml 5
I guess we should be expecting a second fml some time in the very near future. something along the lines of "you know that fml I posted yesterday? yeah, that was a laxative lasagna,fml"
Cleu 12
To be honest though I'd rather have laxatives in my food instead of "special sauce." Also sometimes the best prank you can do is no prank at all as he who laughs last laughs longest.
Sir_Fox 14
#50 Next thing you know, OP is 6 feet under
olpally 33
You may have the ***** later op, STOP EATING NOW!
Ambient25 25
OP should consider revenge. If her husband works out she should buy some estrogen powder to mix with his protein powder or replace his shampoo with Nair. If she wants to get immature with it, she could always sharpee a giant penis on the back of his neck or put an open can of sardines inside his car's air filter.
liltwistism 12
@53 yeah, messing with someone's hormones isn't cool.
jojimugo 20
Damm 35 .... Maybe talk to someone it's sounds like you got shit to work through
Ambient25 25
wut?
JocelynKaulitz 28
This. Means. War.
Racky_fml 14
Your husband is incredibly immature if he's willing to stoop down to that over an argument.
OscarDV 8
Or he has a sense of humor and is just making her think he did something to the food.
Bcfrmkc816 17
Who knows he may not have done anything to it. Her just thinking he did is good enough for him.
Bcfrmkc816 17
I knew I wasn't the only one to think like that.
Angeuh_fml 21
Poison. Or pubic hair. Or both ^^
glabberfasted 16
Poisoned pubic hair!
MrSassypants 34
One of the most evil weapons of all time. Next to strapping someone down and playing Nickleback.
DKjazz 20
Or previously used olive oil.
Chris93Jones 20
I should write this down for my super villain alter ego.
stoych 19
I second that comment! Always cook your own after a row! You could always ignore it just to annoy him, give it a few days, then do the same to him?
stoych 19
Wow, consider myself buried!!! I was actually seconding the first comment, as in 'always let the cook have the first bite' can't quite see why it got thumbed down 46 times but never mind, I'll take it on the chin :0)
CocaColaPepsi 13
Well next time you cook, you know what to do;)
itskaybytheway 10
What a waste of lasagna
CallMeMcFeelii 14
Garfield would be so ******* pissed off if someone did that to his lasagna!
MrSassypants 34
"Hey Odie. I have some lasagna for you."
kenyalovesarah 11
my thoughts exactly
LanceGoodthrust 19
He made you a "Minnie's Chocolate Pie."
Bloink 25
Ewww images have formed in my mind. Not good ones.
LexSwift 17
"This ain't The ******* Help, bitch. -.-" Don't know if anyone will get the Orange Is The New Black reference there. (I mean no disrespect, #9. I just felt the reference was fitting lol.)
papayeya 18
Maybe he spit on it lol ..
MermaidAnnariea 10
lol omg thats so gross i mean its not like they dont kiss or share drinks or silverware or anything right lol /sarcasm
ChawanKiti 15
Even if I kissed someone, I would be disgusted knowing they spit in my food.
DocBastard 40
Maybe he didn't do ANYTHING to the food, but his laughing made you think he did. Or maybe he did. Or maybe he wants you to think he did. Welcome to the mind ****.
klovemachine 24
Have you done anything like that, Doc? :-)
DocBastard 40
Maybe.
SkyDog 9
We all know he loves his family... Nor would he cook.
MrSassypants 34
Doc has done something like that before, but not to food, but to a person during surgery. It was done to some patient being an asshole. It was uncalled for, but the ultimate revenge by having a man for the rest his life have a pubic hair attached to one of his kidneys.
CallMeMcFeelii 14
I do that from time to time. If a friend asks to use my water bottle or something similar, I'll hand it over with a goofy smile on my face just to **** with em a bit. I'd never actually do anything sinister to it, but it is a wee bit entertaining seeing the look of utter confusion on their face. Now people that actually do something to said bottle or food, they're just a ******* asshole..
Bcfrmkc816 17
Well put. You should be at the top of the board
Sports_guy3 28
@CallMeMcFeelii and DocBastard, you people are some of the best commenters on this site. Really funny.