Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean. And by drunk clean I mean put my things away where I won't be able to find them, like my car keys. FML
Today, I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss. FML
Today, after drunk texting a girl the night before, I sent her a message saying I was sorry for everything I said. All she could say back? "Those were some of the most normal drunk texts I have ever read. I'd hate to see how boring you'd be sober." FML
Today, I got this beautiful girl's number at a bar. After the night was over, I was pretty drunk and sent too many drunk Snapchats. When I'd sobered up, I deleted them. She asked why I deleted them, so I said because I was drunk and didn't remember what I sent. She hasn't messaged me back since. FML
Today, my boss mistakenly drunk-texted me and was talking shit about me. FML
Today, I found out that the dream in which I drunkenly phoned my boss and called him a "fat useless piece of shit" actually did happen. I woke up to 10 missed calls and 5 angry texts stating I was fired. FML
Today, I went to work completely hung over. I was at my desk for 5 minutes before security threw me out on my ass. Apparently, I’m hung over because I got fired yesterday and got blackout drunk, completely forgetting that I had been fired. FML
Today, I accidentally fell asleep at work after working a 12-hour shift. Instead of waking me up, my coworkers spiked my coffee mug with whiskey and told my boss I was drunk. My boss wouldn't even listen to my side of the story and fired me. FML
Today, I realized that the only time my girlfriend ever calls me is when she's drunk. FML
Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML
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Top comments
qwertyone 0
Drunk you or not it was still you. You are responsible for what you do drunk and you chose to drink in the first place. I hope the "drunk you" doesn't drive.
nazooer 11
Bahahahhahaha... Don't drink so much
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Comments (175)
coolsteve 0
who deleted that post about the guy and his wife who turned out to be a lesbian???
Kittylilstar 0
YDI for getting drunk.
LMAO58 0
**** u i dont see why everyone is blaming Obama for their own retarded/stupid mistakes!
VictimOfTheft 0
Today, I realized that the I deletes my texts, so I don't get mad. Well turns out, whatever I said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML Fix't. Grow a pair and take responsibility for your actions.
spiderman0606 0
that the I deletes my texts... what?
owtom78 0
Aw :( That really does suck. I guess you know to drink more moderately now though.
PhillyFox 0
It was still you that did it. Either stay sober or own up to your actions.
Silver_Lion 0
lol its like Dr Jeckylle, Mr. Hyde
sephirothyeti 0
It is Jekyll not Jeckylle.
cthulhu1138 1
Drinking responsibly involves knowing your limits. Either get to know your limits, or learn to deal with the consequences of what you do when you exceed them.
V4D3R 0
I know the solution, STOP getting drunk. Take control of your life.
xFaust_fml 12
Oh come ON people, who doesn't get drunk from time to time??? I don't see the problem, if it's not too often, if you don't drink TOO much and if you don't drive afterwards.
hornetchik 0
Completely agree. People need to take responsibility of their actions, but I don't know many people who haven't been drunk from time to time. It IS fun.
fireandice27 0
I've never been drunk, and I don't want to. I can see many ways to have fun other than being an inebriated idiot.
sephirothyeti 0
It certainly doesn't sound fun to me. Being unable to control myself and vomiting all over the place?! Sounds great, count me in!!!
hornetchik 0
Well you haven't been drunk so you don't know do you? Being absolutely trashed isn't fun at all, but a wee bit tipsy is a good time had by all!
SPN_lover666 27
I have never been drunk. I drink, but I do it in moderation.