Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean. And by drunk clean I mean put my things away where I won't be able to find them, like my car keys. FML
Today, I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss. FML
Today, after drunk texting a girl the night before, I sent her a message saying I was sorry for everything I said. All she could say back? "Those were some of the most normal drunk texts I have ever read. I'd hate to see how boring you'd be sober." FML
Today, I got this beautiful girl's number at a bar. After the night was over, I was pretty drunk and sent too many drunk Snapchats. When I'd sobered up, I deleted them. She asked why I deleted them, so I said because I was drunk and didn't remember what I sent. She hasn't messaged me back since. FML
Today, my boss mistakenly drunk-texted me and was talking shit about me. FML
Today, I found out that the dream in which I drunkenly phoned my boss and called him a "fat useless piece of shit" actually did happen. I woke up to 10 missed calls and 5 angry texts stating I was fired. FML
Today, I went to work completely hung over. I was at my desk for 5 minutes before security threw me out on my ass. Apparently, I’m hung over because I got fired yesterday and got blackout drunk, completely forgetting that I had been fired. FML
Today, I accidentally fell asleep at work after working a 12-hour shift. Instead of waking me up, my coworkers spiked my coffee mug with whiskey and told my boss I was drunk. My boss wouldn't even listen to my side of the story and fired me. FML
Today, I realized that the only time my girlfriend ever calls me is when she's drunk. FML
Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
qwertyone 0
Drunk you or not it was still you. You are responsible for what you do drunk and you chose to drink in the first place. I hope the "drunk you" doesn't drive.
nazooer 11
Bahahahhahaha... Don't drink so much
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (175)
DynamicDave 11
YDI for drinking
Silentknight 0
YDI. well, at least half of you does.
gDwane 0
but which half?!
blastvortex 4
I'm amazed that anybody is clicking FYL, primarily because you don't deserve pity for your inane self-afflictions. YDI. Perhaps in losing those three things you will finally learn some sense, not to mention that there is occasionally some sense of justice in the universe.
unearnedrogue 0
Hahah good for you! Drunk messaging is the best!
logicwall 0
Call you cell phone provider tell them you acidently deleted some important texts they can resend them to you.
hi_from_HI 0
If you're not man enough to control your liquor then don't drink!
thez116 0
You need to kick drunk-you's ass to the curb.
supercu96 0
I like your drunk-self xD
SigneRobertson 1
So the sober you doesn't get mad... Makes it seem almost like you're two different people. What are you gonna do, get mad at your... other self?
spiderman0606 0
MYY PRECIOUSSSSSSSSS!!
Dcvictorious 0
I laughed hard :)
citycrazed25 0
I blame you for global warming and wars. For not being able to control yourself. Who knows what else you have done while drunk. Poor poor coffee machine, shame on you!