Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean. And by drunk clean I mean put my things away where I won't be able to find them, like my car keys. FML
Today, I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss. FML
Today, after drunk texting a girl the night before, I sent her a message saying I was sorry for everything I said. All she could say back? "Those were some of the most normal drunk texts I have ever read. I'd hate to see how boring you'd be sober." FML
Today, I got this beautiful girl's number at a bar. After the night was over, I was pretty drunk and sent too many drunk Snapchats. When I'd sobered up, I deleted them. She asked why I deleted them, so I said because I was drunk and didn't remember what I sent. She hasn't messaged me back since. FML
Today, my boss mistakenly drunk-texted me and was talking shit about me. FML
Today, I found out that the dream in which I drunkenly phoned my boss and called him a "fat useless piece of shit" actually did happen. I woke up to 10 missed calls and 5 angry texts stating I was fired. FML
Today, I went to work completely hung over. I was at my desk for 5 minutes before security threw me out on my ass. Apparently, I’m hung over because I got fired yesterday and got blackout drunk, completely forgetting that I had been fired. FML
Today, I accidentally fell asleep at work after working a 12-hour shift. Instead of waking me up, my coworkers spiked my coffee mug with whiskey and told my boss I was drunk. My boss wouldn't even listen to my side of the story and fired me. FML
Today, I realized that the only time my girlfriend ever calls me is when she's drunk. FML
Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML
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Top comments
qwertyone 0
Drunk you or not it was still you. You are responsible for what you do drunk and you chose to drink in the first place. I hope the "drunk you" doesn't drive.
nazooer 11
Bahahahhahaha... Don't drink so much
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Comments (175)
kinkolicious 0
the tidbit about the coffee machine = awesome haha
beatnik_candy 0
you're an alcoholic.
Gloria0416 0
There's nothing wrong with occasionally going out and getting drunk. You're not necessarily an alcoholic if you get that drunk sometimes. Now, if you're one of those people who are an "Instant A-Hole, Just Add Alcohol", then you probably shouldn't drink. But Rule #1 is: NEVER, EVER, under ANY circumstances, text or call, anyone while drunk (unless you're calling for a ride home), even if you think that what you're saying is nice. If I know I'm going to be drinking, I leave my cell phone elsewhere because I'm pretty sure that my ex-boyfriend from 3 years ago really doesn't want to hear from me at 2:00am.
annarulzok_x 0
oh my gosh poor you! how can u live without your coffee machine?! HERES MY ADVICE LOSER - dont get drunk! guess u hav learnt ur lesson. lol
klpryde 0
HAHAHA ydi, but mad kudos for this FML... love the way you wrote it. Also the drunk-me does the same thing.
Aha09 1
...Democrats never had any to begin with.
jelsew 0
Cell phones and alcohol do not mix. But YDI
xpxp2002 4
Learn to "lock" those messages in your phone so they can't be deleted. YDI
Bob31_fml 4
YDI for getting that wasted. I suppose you think it's "cool" to get trashed and behave like a moron.
TotallyAwesome 0
"OMG, someone was DRINKING! I think drinking is bad because I'm boring." There is nothing wrong with drinking. Honestly, I doubt the Op actually sent and deleted those messages, it was probably some friend of his, unless he was completely trashed. I've heard of such things happening.