Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean. And by drunk clean I mean put my things away where I won't be able to find them, like my car keys. FML
Today, I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss. FML
Today, after drunk texting a girl the night before, I sent her a message saying I was sorry for everything I said. All she could say back? "Those were some of the most normal drunk texts I have ever read. I'd hate to see how boring you'd be sober." FML
Today, I got this beautiful girl's number at a bar. After the night was over, I was pretty drunk and sent too many drunk Snapchats. When I'd sobered up, I deleted them. She asked why I deleted them, so I said because I was drunk and didn't remember what I sent. She hasn't messaged me back since. FML
Today, my boss mistakenly drunk-texted me and was talking shit about me. FML
Today, I found out that the dream in which I drunkenly phoned my boss and called him a "fat useless piece of shit" actually did happen. I woke up to 10 missed calls and 5 angry texts stating I was fired. FML
Today, I went to work completely hung over. I was at my desk for 5 minutes before security threw me out on my ass. Apparently, I’m hung over because I got fired yesterday and got blackout drunk, completely forgetting that I had been fired. FML
Today, I accidentally fell asleep at work after working a 12-hour shift. Instead of waking me up, my coworkers spiked my coffee mug with whiskey and told my boss I was drunk. My boss wouldn't even listen to my side of the story and fired me. FML
Today, I realized that the only time my girlfriend ever calls me is when she's drunk. FML
Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML
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Top comments
qwertyone 0
Drunk you or not it was still you. You are responsible for what you do drunk and you chose to drink in the first place. I hope the "drunk you" doesn't drive.
nazooer 11
Bahahahhahaha... Don't drink so much
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Comments (175)
the_holy_one 0
Lol how did you lose your coffee machine? xD
chrisjenkins2 0
you people that are tweaking out about him getting drunk need to chill the **** out.
OverEnthusiast 0
...That is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. XDD Schitzo... And just for the self-righteous folk: just because he got drunk doesn't make him an alcoholic. Clearly none of you has even known anyone who drinks, or at least interacted with someone drunk who wasn't a total stranger. Grow up and just say no to D.A.R.E.
wafflemonger 0
*not a reply*
anjyu22 0
Getting drunk is one thing; most people don't get so drunk that they send life-shattering text messages that they forget the next morning. Perhaps you should seek help.
rockmyworld 0
just the fact that there are such things as 'life-shattering text messages' is kinda sad.. and perhaps, saculmot, you are suggesting Mr. Pres should receive another Nobel Peace Prize? For his outstanding work in helping the under-caffinated regain work =) seriously, the op should write a book. The mystery of the dissapearing coffee maker. Best seller!
Ligerie 0
LOL!
wtfchristy 0
Wow, people need to stop being so damn judgemental about drinking. Everyone's acting like it's some huge deal that he got drunk and that it automatically makes him an alcoholic or something. Who doesn't drink from time to time? I honestly don't see the problem, stop being so uptight. Calling someone a dumbass and a loser in life because they drink, is honeslty just ridiculous! I can't stand people like you, so sterotypical. Anyways, haha that sucks. I've had a few nights like that myself, but you can't help but laugh at yourself the next morning! Goodluck try to fix everything lol :P
riku3220 2
It's not the fact that he drank alcohol. It's the fact that he drank so much that he wasn't in control of his actions. If he can't limit himself to how much he drinks then he'll eventually lose something more than his job or girlfriend.
wtfchristy 0
I totally understand that, but i'm talking to all the people having a fit and judging him for drinking alcohol all together. Not the people telling him to limit himself to how much he drinks..
Tozi_fml 0
It's forbidden to drive while drunk. Maybe, on the account of the hundreds of adds on this website reporting how drunk-texting can be life shattering, using a cellphone while under influence should also be forbidden... Now that'd be fun! One guy in a party has to remain sober to drive everbody home and keep everyone's cellphones.
nm22395 0
Moral of the story: Don't drink so much, and if you choose to, anything that happens is your fault.
ayashe 2
YDI you alchy.
Dcvictorious 0
Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me a text saying that I was a dumb stupid bitch and that I was the worst thing to ever happen to him, in the morning he text me saying he didn't remember any of it and that he'd drunkenly deleted the texts after smashing his coffee maker through my car windscreen. FML.
Cindii 0
XD
doodles88 0
haha!
anjyu22 0
A+