Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean. And by drunk clean I mean put my things away where I won't be able to find them, like my car keys. FML
Today, I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss. FML
Today, after drunk texting a girl the night before, I sent her a message saying I was sorry for everything I said. All she could say back? "Those were some of the most normal drunk texts I have ever read. I'd hate to see how boring you'd be sober." FML
Today, I got this beautiful girl's number at a bar. After the night was over, I was pretty drunk and sent too many drunk Snapchats. When I'd sobered up, I deleted them. She asked why I deleted them, so I said because I was drunk and didn't remember what I sent. She hasn't messaged me back since. FML
Today, my boss mistakenly drunk-texted me and was talking shit about me. FML
Today, I found out that the dream in which I drunkenly phoned my boss and called him a "fat useless piece of shit" actually did happen. I woke up to 10 missed calls and 5 angry texts stating I was fired. FML
Today, I went to work completely hung over. I was at my desk for 5 minutes before security threw me out on my ass. Apparently, I’m hung over because I got fired yesterday and got blackout drunk, completely forgetting that I had been fired. FML
Today, I accidentally fell asleep at work after working a 12-hour shift. Instead of waking me up, my coworkers spiked my coffee mug with whiskey and told my boss I was drunk. My boss wouldn't even listen to my side of the story and fired me. FML
Today, I realized that the only time my girlfriend ever calls me is when she's drunk. FML
Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML
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Top comments
qwertyone 0
Drunk you or not it was still you. You are responsible for what you do drunk and you chose to drink in the first place. I hope the "drunk you" doesn't drive.
nazooer 11
Bahahahhahaha... Don't drink so much
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Comments (175)
I_am_stupid_also 6
The sober-you ought to get revenge on the drunk-you by committing yourself to a rehab program. Then write a note and leave it where the drunk-you can find it saying to stay the **** out of your life.
susu_fml 0
coffee machine? what did u tell it you were cheating on it with an espresso maker via text??
milkradio 0
LOLOL why do people drunk text anyway? It only leads to trouble!
elmo_88 0
haha i totally have deleted all my text while drunk before, it sucks!! but hey its like a little scavenger hunt the next day to try to figure out what you said lol. and as for everyone who said not to drink...its wisconsin, its what we do...;)
frostyboy0 0
you have a serious alcohol problem, too serious for the internet
fireandice27 0
YDI for getting drunk. It's not cool in ANY way, and you just end up making a fool of yourself.
bccxcc 0
at least drunk you covers their tracks
Chopperman_fml 0
Dude, lay off the sauce...you don't have coffee anymore to help sober you up.
MonkeySpeaks 4
all_bran_muffin 0
NOT THE COFFEE MACHINE!!!
omghehehe 0
hahahha op: wtf!! drunk me, sober me??!! U need AA or some good psychotic meds
_THE_MASTER_ 0
I'm with you on this one... I mean, girlfriend...probably would've ended anyway. Jorb....well, probably not something you'd make a career out of. but the coffee machine?!?! heartbreaking.