Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean. And by drunk clean I mean put my things away where I won't be able to find them, like my car keys. FML
Today, I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss. FML
Today, after drunk texting a girl the night before, I sent her a message saying I was sorry for everything I said. All she could say back? "Those were some of the most normal drunk texts I have ever read. I'd hate to see how boring you'd be sober." FML
Today, I got this beautiful girl's number at a bar. After the night was over, I was pretty drunk and sent too many drunk Snapchats. When I'd sobered up, I deleted them. She asked why I deleted them, so I said because I was drunk and didn't remember what I sent. She hasn't messaged me back since. FML
Today, my boss mistakenly drunk-texted me and was talking shit about me. FML
Today, I found out that the dream in which I drunkenly phoned my boss and called him a "fat useless piece of shit" actually did happen. I woke up to 10 missed calls and 5 angry texts stating I was fired. FML
Today, I went to work completely hung over. I was at my desk for 5 minutes before security threw me out on my ass. Apparently, I’m hung over because I got fired yesterday and got blackout drunk, completely forgetting that I had been fired. FML
Today, I accidentally fell asleep at work after working a 12-hour shift. Instead of waking me up, my coworkers spiked my coffee mug with whiskey and told my boss I was drunk. My boss wouldn't even listen to my side of the story and fired me. FML
Today, I realized that the only time my girlfriend ever calls me is when she's drunk. FML
Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML
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Top comments
qwertyone 0
Drunk you or not it was still you. You are responsible for what you do drunk and you chose to drink in the first place. I hope the "drunk you" doesn't drive.
nazooer 11
Bahahahhahaha... Don't drink so much
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Comments (175)
nazooer 11
Bahahahhahaha... Don't drink so much
realxmuto 4
Join an AA group && stay sober, that's my advice.
Ajjas013 6
I love the way this is worded.
MonkeySpeaks 4
yomamma - get off the high horse there buddy. If someone is responsible, an adult and has their priorities in order (i.e., pay your bills, contribute to society in one way or another, etc.) then having a few drinks on the occassion isn't necessarily bad. Some people actually enjoy the taste of alcohol. People like the OP who are irresponsible when they drink and allow themselves to jeopordize their lives are the ones who shouldn't drink until they are mature enough to not get blasted and learn their limits. (BTW, a limit doesnt mean knowing how much to drink before you get "too wasted" is knowing when to stop so you dont do dumb things like the OP). And to the person that suggested AA, you don't go to AA for being an idiot. Being an idiot doesn't make an alcoholic.
letitbe56 0
MonkeySpeaks- Well, for an official DSM diagnosis of alcoholism, you need evidence of physical and mental addiction to alcohol. But in general cultural (really, common-sensical) terms, you have a problem if your alcohol use is interfering with your health and/or your life in general. The OP was blackout drunk (which is really, really bad for your brain) and his drinking cost him is job and his girlfriend--which means it put his livelihood and his social support network in serious jeopardy. So no, maybe he's not addicted per se, but now does seem to be a good time for him to re-evaluate his alcohol use and seek help if necessary. As far as I'm concerned, AA is probably the best place for him to do this, as it's free and the support of other members makes it incredibly effective. Plus, the step where you apologize to everyone might at least help him get his girlfriend back...though maybe not his job, and certainly not the coffee maker.
Rakayum 0
anything but the coffee machine! oh wait there isnt anything else..
ryguy997 0
1. ydi for drinking 2. how did the coffee machine fit in? or more importantly, how will you survive without it?
ketchuplad 0
schizophrenic..
sulitak 27
I agree. sorry OP. this needs to be your wake up call. if you get that irresponsible when drinking, you're not "just drinking"
DarksideDoll 31
Should've put your phone on airplane mode before you started drinking.
qwertyone 0
Drunk you or not it was still you. You are responsible for what you do drunk and you chose to drink in the first place. I hope the "drunk you" doesn't drive.
_THE_MASTER_ 0
the 'drunk me' vs 'sober me' phrasing was ripped off of a textfromlastnight that was much funnier than this garbage.
DieterDerBlau 0
ok, screw the job and woman, a GOOD coffee machine is HARD to find!!! and I just broke the pot to ours while moving... FML+++
zoeeeeee 0
Sucks on the coffee machine!
Rayn4u_fml 0
You think there's any way you could get it back?!
misspeg 0
ah, the things we do when we get on the piss...
Phoenix_GAD 0
ydi for drinking, not being responsible, blacking out (im guessing), etc, etc. agree with nazooer ^
Baroness542 6
Ohh, Wisconsin. You never cease to amuse me.
Thespade_fml 0
Coffe machine
jjcastillo 0
The Curious Case of Dr. Sober and Mr. Drunk.
kwinters 5
ahahahaha that really should not have been as funny as i found it, must be my lack of sleep :D OP im also curious as to how the coffee machine got lost... fyl for the loss of job and girlfriend in one night but ydi for getting so incredibly wasted
justmeagirl 0
...and my coffee machine? Maybe time to stop the binge drinking? Sorry, your fault if you get so drunk you do idiotic thigns.
Zapzip2013 0
Can you say multiple personality disorder.