Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean. And by drunk clean I mean put my things away where I won't be able to find them, like my car keys. FML
Today, I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss. FML
Today, after drunk texting a girl the night before, I sent her a message saying I was sorry for everything I said. All she could say back? "Those were some of the most normal drunk texts I have ever read. I'd hate to see how boring you'd be sober." FML
Today, I got this beautiful girl's number at a bar. After the night was over, I was pretty drunk and sent too many drunk Snapchats. When I'd sobered up, I deleted them. She asked why I deleted them, so I said because I was drunk and didn't remember what I sent. She hasn't messaged me back since. FML
Today, my boss mistakenly drunk-texted me and was talking shit about me. FML
Today, I found out that the dream in which I drunkenly phoned my boss and called him a "fat useless piece of shit" actually did happen. I woke up to 10 missed calls and 5 angry texts stating I was fired. FML
Today, I went to work completely hung over. I was at my desk for 5 minutes before security threw me out on my ass. Apparently, I’m hung over because I got fired yesterday and got blackout drunk, completely forgetting that I had been fired. FML
Today, I accidentally fell asleep at work after working a 12-hour shift. Instead of waking me up, my coworkers spiked my coffee mug with whiskey and told my boss I was drunk. My boss wouldn't even listen to my side of the story and fired me. FML
Today, I realized that the only time my girlfriend ever calls me is when she's drunk. FML
Today, I learned that drunk me from last night is apparently great at flirting. She also apparently flirted her way to a free bottle of white wine, only to shatter it on the kitchen floor at 2 a.m. How did I find out? Three words: glass in foot. FML
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Top comments
qwertyone 0
Drunk you or not it was still you. You are responsible for what you do drunk and you chose to drink in the first place. I hope the "drunk you" doesn't drive.
nazooer 11
Bahahahhahaha... Don't drink so much
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Comments (175)
gutzlikeapig 0
Dudeeeee im just like you hahahaha we're tricky.
Qup 0
ydi. mr drunk is going to have brain damage. so will mr sober. too bad.
Aha09 1
Do the world a favor and NEVER under ANY circumstances allow the drunk you and sober you to meet. Not that that would be possible...but it would be fantastic if it were!
Ejigantor 0
YDI because you are responsible for your own actions, even while inebriated- even if you didn't while sober plan to do the things you did while drunk, you still chose to get drunk. I'm not saying that you deserve it because you got drunk- the choice to drink is a valid one, and I'm not going to harp on about how you must be an alchoholic, etc, etc, preach preach preach. The thing to do is not to sit and whine about it, but do something about it. Take action that will either recover or replace your girlfriend, job, and coffee maker. Or, y'know, just sit on your ass and complain about how unfair it is that you have to deal with the repercussions of your own actions, begging for sympathy from anonymous strangers on the internet until you starve to death.
the_left_hand 0
Look at it as an opportunity to discontinue the practice of using a drip "coffee machine". Invest in a Chemex and a good grinder, once you get back on your feet. If you like coffee, learn how to make the best coffee you can. A rewarding outlet that piques your interest may be good for you; it may replace some of the need that compels you to drink so heavily and replace it with a sense of accomplishment and further appreciation of the effort-reward dynamic of most everything in life.
FoundManyLemons 0
If your drunk self if that different from the sober self, stop drinking!
Brey1013 0
Thats a class drinking problem u got there mate - Nice! :D
Polionixon 2
That's how us wisconsinites roll son!
Jcat_fml 0
Can't you just call your phone company and request a log be sent to you? I know you can for most.
yourkiddingright_fml 0
Sounds like a major drinking problem to me!