Today, my sister stopped by to visit me with her pet bird in tow. She asked me to hold the animal while she went to the toilet, and put it on my shoulder. It promptly shat on my only clean shirt and tore away a good deal of skin from my hand when I tried to get it off me. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I went to a fancy beauty parlor to prepare for my sister's birthday party. The minute I stepped out of the salon, with my hair beautifully trimmed and curled, a bird decided to use it as a toilet. FML
Today, I learned that all it takes to anger my sister's new parrot is to walk past its perch. I also learned that a beak over two inches long is very capable of inflicting injuries that require stitches. FML
Today, I was caring for a bird that had flown into my window. I thought the poor thing wouldn't make it, when it shit in my hand, flew into my neck, then around my living room for ages before I could manage to get it out of the window. FML
Today, my sister asked me to let her dog out of the kennel when I got home. I did only to have the little beast bite me. She then ate the entire content of the cat's litter box, which she couldn't keep down. FML
Today, just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse, a bird shat on my lunch. FML
Today, I saved a bird from being run over as it lay in the middle of the road. Thinking it had a broken wing or something, I started carrying it home, intending to take it to the vet later. It crapped in my hand and flew away. FML
Today, a bird shit on my jacket whilst smoking, I cleaned it and went back outside, and got shit on again. FML
Today, I was making breakfast with my parrot on my shoulder. He was excited about the food, and in his rush to climb down to the counter, bit through my nipple. I had to get stitches. FML
Today, I came home to find that my sweet kitten had gotten out and dragged a bird inside, where he ripped it to shreds. I found the bird's head in my underwear drawer. FML
Today, a bird flew into the workshop where I work, gave itself a tour of the place, then promptly pooped on my lunch and left. FML
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Top comments
sarah6786 14
Never trust birds
babalooisbabaloo 5
Woah! They have synchronized bladder cycles!!!
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Comments (112)
haydenestrada 6
Ahah
TheGianaJinx 0
You gotta love birds.
allie2590 31
Clearly only a scholar could come up with a comment this intelligent.
gc327072 31
I would've expected something this bad to come from Petepoop.
IQuicklyEscalate 0
What a parabitch…
nelds 12
Sorry 78, but I couldn't help but laugh while reading your comment
tabbycat2007 22
I feel sorry for you Jake. Birds are the devil.
MissMae93 23
Is anyone else curious as to why OP only had one single clean shirt?
walmartpaysme 15
88- yes, but I assume he was either too poor to afford to wash it or too lazy.
TrollRoaster 0
78- that is why i never walk under trees. @_@ theyre everywhere...
PinkieKeen 20
That bird seems to like OP a lot
wholikesbacon 9
What an original comment!
sarah6786 14
Never trust birds
hopsinlove17 26
Birds are pretty viscous and smelly. Not good companions:(
CaptainDoorknob 7
It should've been in a cage.
TellMeWhatsDeath 14
yes but it's considered good luck when a bird shuts on you.
TellMeWhatsDeath 14
20-******
perdix 31
#6, I think you mean "vicious," not "viscous." Viscous describes a thick fluid like honey or syrup. Perhaps, you could put the bird in a blender and make it viscous, but you probably mean vicious, as in evil and nasty.
hopsinlove17 26
24- oh goodness, how embarrassing! I'll remember to proof my comments closely next time(:
njgohard 16
24-Considering what happened to OP's hand, I don't think that's a good idea.
RedPillSucks 33
I'm sure the poop was viscous.
perdix 31
#42, and smelly.
FirstTigerHobbes 13
24- The more you know
sheethapins 13
2... The comment + the pic = bahaha.
TourettesGuyFTW 26
Birds ARE pretty viscous - around the Gulf of Mexico...
xx000o 27
#6 You are so wrong. It's obvious you have never spent any time around them.
cheshireau 26
I trust birds more than I trust people. And Op, if you weren't comfortable, you should have told her. Maybe asked to have it on your hand
bebefer 8
Your sister should pay for your medical bills.
nukeacat 9
Agreed
ThePsyche 9
I bet that bitch ain't getting any crackers now! Huh Polly?!
TourettesGuyFTW 26
Well, you know that well known saying - "a bird in the hand.... will tear it the **** up".
dhall30 8
Australia has tax funded healthcare system no need for the sister to pay for medical bills. Nonetheless she should do something about the shirt and maybe recuperation in some form.
tehhboss 6
Was it a falcon?
kimg0885 23
^darn I should have got a falcon. I bet state farm got it for her because of all the money she saved from switching.
sidewaysponytail 0
Still a better love story than twilight.
xblair 11
got something new?
loserboii 11
Think 5 is beating the dead horse?
Zano23 9
Or the soon to be dead bird.
windfuelsfire 10
This is getting overused
TourettesGuyFTW 26
101 - no it ain't
failgamer 7
What the hell kinda bird was it?
dressedskeleton 10
The kind of bird you really shouldn't **** around with.
loserboii 11
That sounds like every kind of bird to me 30.
Scarshadow101 6
What about a chick? Like, a little chicken? ...maybe they can get pissed too. And then bake you a cake with a frowsy face on it.
thewiseguy13 0
I find it hilarious when people think they can say whatever they want with no consequences this is not FB. YDI
AznSamoan52 10
Wrong FML, sir/ma'am.
thewiseguy13 0
FML
llamafish 25
Guys, clearly you're missing the point of this FML. OP obviously must have said something to offend the bird, thus causing such a response. He then left out that key detail to make himself look like victim here. Just gotta read between the lines, folks.
babalooisbabaloo 5
Woah! They have synchronized bladder cycles!!!
rachelnam 5
You can cross off being a pirate from your list of life long dreams.
rattusrattus 19
Yarr, a pirate life be hard, arr.
crazytiger16 8
Thanks for letting me know birds don't make good pets!
Warmonger_Smurf 29
They make good pets. Some don't like new people as much. My Sun Conure is very friendly, to any one.
thrAsHeRr9081 16
Now that's an unfair assumption! Birds are freaking awesome!
emag_eht 18
That is so not true. If you're basing this on the fact that they bite then you can argue that for most animals. It takes birds time to adjust to people and if you just thrust your hand in its face then it'll get scared and try to defend itself. Birds do poop quite a bit but it's really easy to clean if it's just regular poop (as opposed to diarrhea which is still easy to clean ) compared to bigger animals which you have to scoop up or fish where you have to clean their entire tank. Bird poop doesn't stink as much either. Also have you ever heard of Einstein the African Grey Parrot? It lived For a long time and it could say so many things in reply to its trainer. If a bird really loves you it will probably let you pet it like you could pet a cat or a dog. It will also be more willing to speak in front of you and it wouldn't bite you when you try to take it off your shoulder. I'm not trying to say anything other than birds is a bad choice but I think people just think "omg they bite" when dogs, cats, and reptiles do that as well. Them having to poop a lot is also not such a big deal since its easy to clean and you can put them on a perch with newspapers underneath so they wont poop on the floor. I own two birds and my house doesn't even smell like them. Also the last time I got bitten was maybe 4-5 months ago when I was holding him and he almost fell off because I tripped. Sorry for the long post.
SApprentice 34
60- I actually think that Arnold the African Grey was more impressive.
SApprentice 34
63- Excuse me, I meant Alex, not Arnold.
thrAsHeRr9081 16
My profile picture is my now 1 1/2 year old Congo African Grey Toph when she was 2 months old. :-)