Today, my sister stopped by to visit me with her pet bird in tow. She asked me to hold the animal while she went to the toilet, and put it on my shoulder. It promptly shat on my only clean shirt and tore away a good deal of skin from my hand when I tried to get it off me. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I went to a fancy beauty parlor to prepare for my sister's birthday party. The minute I stepped out of the salon, with my hair beautifully trimmed and curled, a bird decided to use it as a toilet. FML
Today, I learned that all it takes to anger my sister's new parrot is to walk past its perch. I also learned that a beak over two inches long is very capable of inflicting injuries that require stitches. FML
Today, I was caring for a bird that had flown into my window. I thought the poor thing wouldn't make it, when it shit in my hand, flew into my neck, then around my living room for ages before I could manage to get it out of the window. FML
Today, my sister asked me to let her dog out of the kennel when I got home. I did only to have the little beast bite me. She then ate the entire content of the cat's litter box, which she couldn't keep down. FML
Today, just when I thought my day couldn't get any worse, a bird shat on my lunch. FML
Today, I saved a bird from being run over as it lay in the middle of the road. Thinking it had a broken wing or something, I started carrying it home, intending to take it to the vet later. It crapped in my hand and flew away. FML
Today, a bird shit on my jacket whilst smoking, I cleaned it and went back outside, and got shit on again. FML
Today, I was making breakfast with my parrot on my shoulder. He was excited about the food, and in his rush to climb down to the counter, bit through my nipple. I had to get stitches. FML
Today, I came home to find that my sweet kitten had gotten out and dragged a bird inside, where he ripped it to shreds. I found the bird's head in my underwear drawer. FML
Today, a bird flew into the workshop where I work, gave itself a tour of the place, then promptly pooped on my lunch and left. FML
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Top comments
sarah6786 14
Never trust birds
babalooisbabaloo 5
Woah! They have synchronized bladder cycles!!!
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Comments (112)
RaveBlade 4
Well... I guess the bird dont really like you..
lidsthesquid 4
*doesn't
heyred 11
It's technically not an animal. It's a bird.
perdix 31
Birds are a class in the Chordate phylum in the Animal kingdom. Technically, you're an . . ., um, let's just say you are incorrect.
xXHollowIchigoXx 17
Your right it isn't an animal, it's a Pokemon.
Meettitan 14
How much crack would you say you smoke in a day?...
Jessiegirl122 7
Now, what species are you?
lmaouloser 5
Are you retarded?
perdix 31
Having a bird shit on you is good luck. The bird was so offended that you tried to reject the lucky poo, it made your luck real bad, real fast.
Szaszaspasz 26
My car must have lots of luck. Every time I clean and wax it; every bird in the area gets a case of the flying *****. I hate it when they re-enact the bombing of Pearl Harbour on my car.
perdix 31
#36, I just thumbed your comment up and hope others will follow suit. Don't you feel lucky? Isn't cleaning up the bird shit off your car so worth it?
Szaszaspasz 26
Perdix: I admit I do lead a charmed existence.
AznSamoan52 10
Birds are getting more vicious these days
afropuffjake 9
Improperly trained animals?! That shit's for the birds! No? Ok >_
88vivera 9
Shouldn't have done that
greenie213 23
Hitchcock's predictions are coming true!!!
Zachthejoker 10
You should get a cat.
annie_nk 23
And this is why I'll never have a bird as a pet.
olpally 33
Ouch! Time to go bird hunting... >:)
annie_nk 23
Duck season! Wabbit season! Duck season!
olpally 33
Haha yes! Elmer Fudd! :D