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Today, my virgin guy friend told me he wanted me to be his first. I'm a guy. FML

One day…

Today, my mom was snooping around my room, and found the unopened box of glow in the dark condoms I bought myself year ago. She laughed and said, "No takers yet, eh?" FML

It's sus to us

Today, while having sex, I found out that I'm so flexible that when I bend over backwards, the backs of my knees can touch my shoulders. My boyfriend is now extremely jealous and is debating about breaking up with me. Even I don't get it. FML

Today, I overheard my parents in the kitchen talking about how they wanted to try anal tonight. There is over three and a half feet of snow outside, leaving me no way to escape the horrible sounds and mental images yet to come. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend I was leaving him because he's cheating on me. He then told me he will die without me. When I said that I didn't care, he said 'OK. I'll kill myself!' and then held his breath in attempt to suffocate himself. I can't believe I dated this idiot. FML

Today, me and my girlfriend were getting at it, and then my parents came home. I heard them and we scrambled to get our clothes on. My dad came into the room and found me wearing her pants inside out with her thong around my legs. FML

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML

Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to try something new. By something new, it was to put flour in my butt and see what would happen if I farted. FML

Today, I showed my colleagues how I could switch on my webcam at home from the office. That's how we all found out my wife is cheating on me. FML

Today, I got a call from my long distance girlfriend. She's about a month pregnant. I haven't seen her in person for six months, but she still insists it's mine. I don't know which would be worse: her lying or her being that stupid. FML

Smart

Today, I went on a date, the first one I've been on since my last boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago. We were at a restaurant, and at the end of meal he insisted on paying the bill. He wanted to leave a 15% tip but couldn't work out in his head how much to leave. The bill was for £100. FML

Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML

Legality

Today, I finished and turned in the last of the 17 major projects for the company I work for. As I was walking out of my boss's office, I heard her ask her assistant, "She finished everything we didn't want to do, can we fire her now?" FML

Good catch

Today, my father came over to my house. I realized there were condoms on the table, so I subtly moved a vase to hide them. He then gave me an unamused look and said, "I know you have sex. You've been married for nine years. Grow the fuck up, dumbass." FML

Broke ass dad

Today, I heard water splashing outside of my house; I investigated it, only to find my dad, whom I don't live with, syphoning gas out of my car. FML

Priorities

Today, my parents fought over who gets the dog when they divorce. Nothing has been said about where my brother and I will live when they split. FML

You OK dude?

Today, while at a boring lecture, I heard some people behind me whispering and laughing. I turned around, wondering what was so funny, which made them laugh even more. I then realised it looked like I'd been giving my pen a blowjob for the last 10 minutes. FML

Well?

Today, I heard the four most dreaded words known to man during my first time: "Is it in yet?" It was. FML

Today, I actually heard my 14 year-old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML

Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML

Today, I went on a blind date. When I got there, I found out that the guy was a ventriloquist and was going to use his puppet to talk to me. FML

Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML

Today, as I was walking home from school with my guy friends, my dad pulled up by the sidewalk, offered me a handful of dollar bills and said, "Get in, baby." Only after we drove away and he started laughing did I realize I'll probably never hear the end of this at school. FML

Today, I caught my mother attempting to write a $1400 cheque. To whom? The proprietor of a "Christian charity fund" with whom she had been having Internet conversations. The proprietor's name, and that on the cheque, was "Herp McDerpington". FML

Today, my dad created a new rule: It isn't old until there's mold. FML

Thanks, Mom

Today, my family had dinner with my future in-laws for the first time. After a bottle of wine to herself, my mother loudly insisted that I'm out of her will. Apparently, I "molest towels" and leave them to "fester for days" in my "den of depravity." I'm sure they'll give me their daughter now. FML

Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML

Today, I got the feeling that my phone smelt of cigarettes and B.O. I smelt it, realised that it was my hands that smelt, then got confused and thought maybe it was my nose piercing that smelt. I then realised my psychology class was watching me trying to smell my own nose. FML

BREAKING NEWS

Today, I found out that my husband is the biological father of my baby sister. FML

Today, my parents grounded me for finding their stash of weed. The irony is killing me right now. FML