Today, my girlfriend learned that calling someone a "stupid bitch" under your breath while staring right at them from six feet away works very differently in my house than at hers. She also learned my sister has one hell of a punch. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my girlfriend's friend told her she had seen me shopping with a cute girl. When I came back home, my girlfriend punched me in the face and asked who the girl was. Apparently her friend didn't tell her the "cute girl" was my three year-old niece. I lost a tooth from the punch. FML
Today, my boyfriend's little sister told me she hates me. I thought she was just a jealous, whiny nitwit like most kids are, until she calmly walked over to the wall and headbutted it hard. She burst into tears, ran out of the room, and told my boyfriend I hit her. He believed her. FML
Today, I was going on a date with my girlfriend. When I took her home, her sister came to the door. I used to date her sister and I didn't know they were related. My girlfriend realized this, then kicked me in the crotch. FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me. When I told my sister, she just smiled, held up a closed fist, and said "Look at the number of fucks I give!" She then raised a finger, said "Oops. Finger spasm!" then lowered it again. FML
Today, I found out my that my girlfriend's parents hate me, all because they saw me laughing and hanging out with another girl. That other girl was my sister. FML
Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML
Today, while my girlfriend and I were making out, she went to fix the pillow behind her head and punched me straight in the face. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I got into a heated argument at a house party. To avoid a huge scene, I pulled her into another room, during which I managed to trip over my feet and faceplant the floor. She shouted, "Hah! That's what you get!" Now everyone thinks she beat the shit out of me. FML
Today, my friend called to say my boyfriend was at a diner with another woman. I immediately went and caught them in a deep conversation. I slapped him and yelled "Who's this bitch!?" It turns out she's his half sister. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that she's a lesbian. And that she could only stay with me because I had a "girly face and voice". She also admitted to having a crush on my sister. FML
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Top comments
daner10 5
Who's the stupid bitch now?
RedSnuwolf 4
Your sister is a total badass. :)
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Comments (187)
daner10 5
Who's the stupid bitch now?
CaptainDoorknob 7
She deserved it. I hate when people mutter shit under their breath completely oblivious to the fact that everyone can hear them.
daner10 5
Agreed dude, my sister always does that.
Zoh_Aubrey 8
Talk shit = get hit.
TourettesGuyFTW 26
35 - Plato would be proud of that.
Scarshadow101 6
Hey, Karma's a bitch. A stupid bitch.
PinkieKeen 20
Watch her try to make an FML about this.
heygirlie777 21
43- maybe if we stopped calling karma a bitch, it would be nicer to us.
sens3sfailing 25
Karma is only a bitch if you are one.
Driveshaft 5
Wow, first the fml made me laugh, then everyone in this thread made me smile, and took me to my happy place! Love the Plato comment!
shadowsorel 15
46 - It'd probably go like: "Today, *insert something insignificant that pissed her off here*. I called her a stupid bitch under my breath. Then she punched me! It still hurts! FML" OP - By the way, I think I'm in love with your badass sister.
gardenwhipped3 14
personally i think that's great. Unfortunately after about 16, it doesn't really work. My brother (2 years younger) was the king of under the breath talking and hateful glares. Finally one day I got sick of it. I remember telling him to "go ahead and hit me, and i would show him how much of a girl he really was". today my brother is a total loser and probably on welfare. If it was possible to voluntarily restrict family members from federal programs, i would have him banned because he is just lazy and good for nothing. Maybe that hit will send the "OPs" girlfriend on a completely different path.
K_kanaka 26
Well I hope your girlfriend learned if you got nothing to say to someone then don't say anything about someone... preferably not six feet away from them.
RedSnuwolf 4
Your sister is a total badass. :)
dressedskeleton 10
And your girlfriend's a bit of a bitch herself!
TourettesGuyFTW 26
Your sister MUST be a lesbian. There is no other viable explanation. (idiots out there - please realise I am joking).
SirEskimo 13
34- I must be an idiot. Can you please explain the joke to me?
Sexy_Kisses14 8
TourettesGuyFTW 26
No. If it's too subtle for you, then tough shit.
FirstTigerHobbes 13
Stop yelling! D:
matt98_fml 13
It's okay 37, I don't get it either.
skyeyez9 25
straight girls are supposed to be submissive doormats, and lesbians defend themselves?
gmc_blossom 21
34- That joke was bad and you should feel bad.
SenselessPattern 12
I got it, still not great, but I got it. Basically, sister must be lesbian to punch OP's GF since only guys can fight/know how to punch/solve things with violence, since lesbians fill the role of the guy and girl in a relationship. At least, I think that's the joke. Ugh....
Cairo_Sanchez 8
So is she your ex now?
FMLKitten 15
60- I'm clearly a lesbian then.
Driveshaft 5
The joke was funny. Made me laugh, and feel sad that it went over so many heads.
SkyyEatsAirplane 11
Not really. She's still a stupid bitch for over reacting. More like a psychotic stupid bitch now
TourettesGuyFTW 26
109 - conform. Conform dammit!!! You are not allowed to find it funny. Conform you bastard!!!!
1990245 6
Wow...
DracoSpirita 21
I am awed at the masterpiece that is your comment! Really, you must have an IQ of a thousand to have come up with something so clever!
Driveshaft 5
Whoa!
FlyingPie 17
ShamWow!
FlyingPie 17
ShamWhoa!
DerrickJames 33
His IQ must be... Over 9000!?
Krajjan 9
How exactly does that work in her house? I see no way that doesn't end badly anywhere.
jlev90 2
Carpet vs hardwood flooring, absorbing sound vs carrying it
Krajjan 9
Snooki vs Laila Ali?
desireev 18
4- I think OP is saying that she gets away with muttering names under her breath in her house. Way to go, OPs sister! Glad to see that you put her in her place. :)
folgy 10
*Op's girlfriend* " stupid bitch. *Op's sister* " hey there is something on your face. *PUNCH* IT WAS PAINNNN.
anencephalic 14
Maybe all of OP's girlfriend's family members are death... and blind?
hopsinlove17 26
133- deaf...?
se7enXBANG 1
Asdf is the best haha
Alex1901 6
Maybe they argue but don't resort to violence.
union_j 3
This is the best comment ever!!!
bebefer 8
Haha, your girlfriend deserves it. You, however, do not. Bet she'll never do that again.
tygerarmy 35
Exactly. Where're the Y(GF)DI and I agree you sister's life sucks (for having to put up with your GF) buttons?
cheshireau 26
I wonder why he is with her OR why he didn't stick up for her. Someone is out of line and if it's the Girlfriend, get rid of her. I wouldn't date anyone who took a shot at my sister.
Emily9352 13
I love your picture.
CoolBroStory 7
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
A bit of an overreaction no?
ThePsyche 9
No.
CoolBroStory 7
Hitting someone just because they called you a bitch is a bit of an overreaction.
ThePsyche 9
No si eres mexicano ;)
fuzz97 23
No.
Zoh_Aubrey 8
Yeah but she called OP's sister a bitch in HER (sisters) house. Who allows to be disrespected in their own house?
AriJMlovesMJ 2
I agree. What are we, in middle school?
Ridney 1
I agree. Sounds like they are both "stupid bitches." The girlfriend is horribly disrespectful, and the sister assaults people who say things she doesn't like. FYL OP, for being stuck in the middle of those two hotheads. Duck and cover.
ForeverEminem1 5
no.
Jackasss_fml 14
Your mom is a worthless C U N T. Let me know if you wanna punch me or have a " talk"
ElricMustang 23
You kidding? If you called me a bitch, you'd better be prepared for at least a broken nose
SkyyEatsAirplane 11
It's not "her house", her parents are paying for it. Technically the government is paying for it, since her parents get their money from the government. But regardless who's house it is, if his sister was being a stupid bitch, she deserves to be called one. It wasn't her fault that her boyfriends sister got so butthurt that she turned out to be some messed up psycho who can't contain her anger.
MelissaHope1986 8
161 ... After reading your comments i have to ask. Do you know OP's girlfriend or like to keep the same trashy company? The girlfriend clearly disrespected the Op as well as the sister not to mention his parents. Last time I checked when you are with someone you owe the entire family a descent level of respect. She didn't give such respect so his sister stood up for herself. At least she's not a coward. She didn't talk under her breath, she dealt with the girl directly.
SkyyEatsAirplane 11
Just because they are related, that doesn't mean this girl needs to kiss his sisters ass if she did something that might've pissed her off. Everyone's calling this girl a bad ass and such but she could of started this situation, we don't know that. OP didn't mention how it started. His girl should of kept her comments to herself. What she said was pretty rude, but again we don't know how this started, and I don't think that punching her in the face over something stupid was really necessary. His sister needs to grow up and deal with verbal shit. If his girlfriend physically attacked his sister, she would have the right to defend herself. But please, is it necessary to get so defensive over a dumb little insult? Is she willing to risk getting charged or arrested for blowing up a situation that could of been avoided? They're both immature but I still have more sympathy for his girlfriend. His sisters a psychotic bitch who needs anger management.
hayleyjames 0
I agree!!
perdix 31
What happens at her house? High fives?
ThePsyche 9
Edit: don't read the below. I was blabbering and shall promptly be thumbed down. Thank you. Man if someone called me a little bitch!! ..I would do absolutely nothing. I would probably lock myself in the restroom and cry bc it's so true. But seriously, if I got a hi five everytime I said the B word.. I'd have a hi five... Wait. 0.o
loserboii 11
Yea high fives to the face
gmc_blossom 21
26- What the ****?
desireev 18
High five... In the face... With a chair... Indeed.
gc327072 31
Nice girlfriend ya got there... Why would you even allow her to speak about your family that way? Should've slapped her yourself! She's the one being a bitch here...
jelly713 19
Exactly, she has no right to be insulting your family in your own house unless they disrespected her too, it's understandable but still not excusable. I would have been told off I insulted my BF's sister by my BF. OP should have a talk with her.
gc327072 31
And that talk should consist of four letters: GTFO.
pabst4america 1
**** yea domestic violence
ObeyStudKing 4
What happens In your house stays In your house. Lol
laden_swallow09 35
Apparently not if it's on FML.com for all the world to see.
TheTallPerson 3
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.***
thePr3da1i3nrulz 4
Except for herpies. That shit comes home with you...
SenselessPattern 12
Go ahead and hate me, but quoting the exact same quote from the Hangover isn't funny to me anymore. Oh shit, I stated an opinion. To the bunker!
rin142 12
That saying has been around for much longer than that crap movie.
thePr3da1i3nrulz 4
74- sorry if it isnt funny anymore, just the first thing that i thought after reading that haha
bizarre_ftw 22
136 - nope, it's still funny, it's not overused to the point of hatred therefore it can simply be considered a classic - plus it's good, you might notice the ones that become hated quickly due to overuse usually aren't (and it's the first thing that popped into my head too)
failgamer 7
Your girlfriend is learning well on how to act around your family.