Today, I was feeling depressed and got very, very drunk. This evening, I was feeling equally desperate, and ended up having to get my special dildo removed from my asshole at the hospital. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my drunk boyfriend decided to wake me up by fingering me. Let's just say going to the ER to get your tampon dug out isn't fun. FML
Today, I had a seizure and went to the hospital. Turns out, when you put in a tampon, forget, then get horny, your dildo can push the tampon all the way up to your cervix, where it will fester until you become septic. I'm now on antibiotics and horribly ill, but at least I know why I've been so tired recently. FML
Today, I got circumcised. After the surgery, my girlfriend got drunk and texted all of her friends about it. FML
Today, I woke up and felt that my arm was sore. I got so drunk last night, I got an unprofessional tattoo of a penis. FML
Today, I got severe diarrhea while out dancing with friends. On my way home, I got hit with the urge again. I couldn't find an open toilet and I had to resort to relieving myself in an alley. FML
Today, I woke up from a night of serious depression, drinking by myself at home, to find a USB stick wrapped in plastic up my vagina, with "Top secret" written on it. There was nothing on the stick when I checked. I may need to give tequila a rest and switch back to gin. FML
Today, I got home after a night of drinking with my coworker. We hooked up, but he was so drunk he had to use a flashlight to put it in. Then, he ran out of the room to throw up. FML
Today, I was lucky to have an extremely attractive doctor operating on me. This would have been great had he not been removing a foreign object from my vagina after an ill-fated masturbation session. FML
Today, I was constipated and so desperate to go that I ate an entire box of laxatives. Now I'm in the hospital on a saline drip for dehydration and malnutrition, in addition to getting a massive enema and having the most agonizing shit of my life. FML
Today, after having been constipated for ages, I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears, and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital, because according to him, I must have had anal sex with someone. FML
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Top comments
UnluckyIrishKid 9
Was the doctor atleast anal about the proceure? All pieces removed?
eggmarie 25
I'm not even thinking about the hospital trip. I'm trying to figure out how the ride there went.
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Comments (107)
hopsinlove17 26
Happy pills perhaps?(:
TheEpicMilkMan 13
they don't always work, trust me.
hopsinlove17 26
Oh, sorry then:(
TheEpicMilkMan 13
its all good lol just saying, I used to be on them and tried many different prescriptions but everyones different :p but I don't need them anymore....yay me c: haha
itaimumwiro 8
I don't want to go too deep into the situation but maybe if i prob a little I will have the answers
theslimshadylp 6
You mean the special ***** you "accidentally" fell on.
Nevereverland 8
"Ya i tripped , fell , landed on my *****."
thiscrazything 1
Yeah, that's it..... It could happen. I mean who doesn't dance naked with a ***** standing straight up, waiting for its target to slip on a banana peal and land squarely on top of it, ass first. Yep, I would stick with that story no matter what.
Dimence 9
Lol that would literally tear her ass open
TurquoiseJesus 15
"I swear doctor! I was going on like normal, then BAM! The ***** came out of no where and attacked me!"
tigerxenvy 5
Dear Gawd, OP......
FalconSam1414 19
Don't worry OP, you at least have an excuse, you were drink so... Yeah don't feel bad :3
WhatOfDreaming 6
Still a better love story than Twilight.
Valdrek 26
^second the motion
Warmonger_Smurf 29
The motion has been called and seconded. All in agreement say aye. Aye!
Corrupt_waffles 13
I agree with all motions. XD
loloalltheway 23
No, no, no not a better love story then twilight
WhatOfDreaming 6
^And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the reason I pity the future of the human race.
SlayerElite 1
Motion carried, on to the next issue.
eilef 2
I'm sure you brightened his day ;)
BabySparkle1 15
What on earth were you feeling desperate for?
TheDrifter 24
I've got a couple guesses...
pokefan813 16
Well... Aren't you going to elaborate, 32?
jizzwold 21
96 I imagine that the main answer is penis.
seahawksfan900 11
I'm guessing anal
TheDrifter 24
Was it shaped like a coke bottle perhaps? I do believe DocBastard once had a profile photo of another with this particular sort of ingenuity.
MrThew 0
Well, that escalated quickly..
TheMathMajor 26
I feel so out of the loop. Is that a meme? Everyone keeps saying it.
Shrike 24
Yeah, it's from a movie or something. Annoying as **** and about as "original" as Robin Williams's standup.
TheMathMajor 26
Kind of like that arrow to the knee thing that was popular a while ago. It's not funny after the first few times. But I love Robin Williams, don't hate.
TheEpicMilkMan 13
its from The Anchorman, it's a movie.