Today, I was feeling depressed and got very, very drunk. This evening, I was feeling equally desperate, and ended up having to get my special dildo removed from my asshole at the hospital. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my drunk boyfriend decided to wake me up by fingering me. Let's just say going to the ER to get your tampon dug out isn't fun. FML
Today, I had a seizure and went to the hospital. Turns out, when you put in a tampon, forget, then get horny, your dildo can push the tampon all the way up to your cervix, where it will fester until you become septic. I'm now on antibiotics and horribly ill, but at least I know why I've been so tired recently. FML
Today, I got circumcised. After the surgery, my girlfriend got drunk and texted all of her friends about it. FML
Today, I woke up and felt that my arm was sore. I got so drunk last night, I got an unprofessional tattoo of a penis. FML
Today, I got severe diarrhea while out dancing with friends. On my way home, I got hit with the urge again. I couldn't find an open toilet and I had to resort to relieving myself in an alley. FML
Today, I woke up from a night of serious depression, drinking by myself at home, to find a USB stick wrapped in plastic up my vagina, with "Top secret" written on it. There was nothing on the stick when I checked. I may need to give tequila a rest and switch back to gin. FML
Today, I got home after a night of drinking with my coworker. We hooked up, but he was so drunk he had to use a flashlight to put it in. Then, he ran out of the room to throw up. FML
Today, I was lucky to have an extremely attractive doctor operating on me. This would have been great had he not been removing a foreign object from my vagina after an ill-fated masturbation session. FML
Today, I was constipated and so desperate to go that I ate an entire box of laxatives. Now I'm in the hospital on a saline drip for dehydration and malnutrition, in addition to getting a massive enema and having the most agonizing shit of my life. FML
Today, after having been constipated for ages, I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears, and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital, because according to him, I must have had anal sex with someone. FML
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Top comments
UnluckyIrishKid 9
Was the doctor atleast anal about the proceure? All pieces removed?
eggmarie 25
I'm not even thinking about the hospital trip. I'm trying to figure out how the ride there went.
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Comments (107)
VooDooCarrie91 19
I'd like to know how you drove yourself to the hospital...that would be an uncomfortable drive
philzilla 1
Say what?
zazzles23 5
I'm sorry to hear that, but why would you tell people this??
baby_shaker9000 5
A very uncomfortable car ride that was.
JonniBoyy 2
Wow really. Why would anyone want to know that. I think you need to get out more often.
m3lyc 18
"Today I was feeling depressed and got drunk". Well alcohol will only make your depression worse, that's what it does. That's why so many people are depressed all the time; because they go out on the weekends and drink till they drop. I don't, which results in me being happy most of the time.
cherryllollo 7
Aww. Shitty.
drunkonduty247 1
If your a chick, that's awesome.
Missus1 7
Next time you're feeling "desperate" try to refrain from activities most couples don't even participate in silly.
GUNN1313 3
I am so glad that you can Speak for most couples my wife likes it and well I love making her happy. Further more most of the relationships I have been in had anal in them and if done right is pleasurable for both participants. Op the next time just give me a call we can all have fun and no Er trips
hornyunicorny 2
Ok people, when putting things in your asshole, if it's not flared at the end, your ass will literally suck it up inside your body.. Totally disgusting but true! Use flared toys or a tight grip on your special ***** so you don't lose it!
Ray_of_midnight 23
Came here to say exactly this...any toy you put up there needs to have a flared base to avoid the risk of getting lost! Don't trust your grip, either...if you're using lots of lube--as you should when inserting anything anally--you're putting enough lube on it to make it very slippery and potentially lose your grip on the toy.