Today, I woke up from a night of serious depression, drinking by myself at home, to find a USB stick wrapped in plastic up my vagina, with "Top secret" written on it. There was nothing on the stick when I checked. I may need to give tequila a rest and switch back to gin. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was feeling depressed and got very, very drunk. This evening, I was feeling equally desperate, and ended up having to get my special dildo removed from my asshole at the hospital. FML
Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding hangover. I took a swig from a cup I'd left on my bedside table the night before, thinking it was water. Nope; it was vodka. FML
Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. I have no idea what happened the night before, except for the fact that I'd tucked two uncapped vodka bottles into bed beside me, and now my room reeks of a Russian sorority house. FML
Today, I woke up after a heavy night of drinking, with my laptop dead on my chest. Apparently, I had attempted a bit of digital penile oscillation, but passed out instead. FML
Today, the water was shut off, so I had to wash down my anti convulsants, anti depressants and sleep aids with an old, flat, non-alcoholic beer from the night before. I don't think I've ever had a more mentally dysfunctional cocktail. FML
Today, I found out that last night, when I drank a bit too much and blacked out, I freaked out about "losing my tampon in my vagina" and made my boyfriend fish through to look for it. I had already taken it out before then, and was too drunk to realize. He told me he almost called 911. FML
Today, I brought a girl home from a bar. Things were getting hot and heavy when she asked if I had a condom. I opened my wallet to grab the one I keep in there, only to find the empty wrapper in its place; it was the only one I had. It seems drunk me is a bigger jerk than I thought. FML
Today, I saw that the wine bottle I couldn't open last night had a big hole in the top from my struggle to open it. It was a screw top. I must've been drunker than I thought last night. FML
Today, my girlfriend's mother came over for a few hours. After she left I went to grab a drink, only to find that three bottles of expensive liquor were missing from our liquor cabinet. FML
Today, after I was surprised by my husband announcing he was coming off the drink and going to the gym to get in shape, I found out that I've been such a fool, as it turns out the pre-workout shakes he kept making contained about 5 shots of vodka, so he could drink at home without me moaning. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
Silver_helmet 10
it sounds like a funny story but... no. Keep your alcohol under control, it's not supposed to be like this.
RichardPencil 32
In whose handwriting were the words Top Secret written? Yours? If there's nothing on the stick, it may have been downloaded into you. You may have been digitally stimulated. You should get a pregnancy test. Get one that detects the Robot Apocalypse! And get yourself to a Cat AA meeting -- your drinking problem seems less bad than the cat who steals $500 whiskey.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (7)
RichardPencil 32
In whose handwriting were the words Top Secret written? Yours? If there's nothing on the stick, it may have been downloaded into you. You may have been digitally stimulated. You should get a pregnancy test. Get one that detects the Robot Apocalypse! And get yourself to a Cat AA meeting -- your drinking problem seems less bad than the cat who steals $500 whiskey.
Plop 17
It seems like you took kunoichi (female ninja) training the day before. Check whether the USB stick doesn't contain your degree as a secret file, because that seems like the way they'd be sending it to you. P.S.: watch out for possible infections, since duct tape isn't very clean and some of the glue might have leaked. The best thing to do is probably to give a quick call to your Ob/Gyn to check with them and during your next shower have a good rub down there with some appropriate soap (not regular one, as it destroys the microbiome and might cause other infections).
rotflqtms_ 21
"wrapped in plastic" Still don't know where all that has been though.
Silver_helmet 10
it sounds like a funny story but... no. Keep your alcohol under control, it's not supposed to be like this.
Nhayaa2.0 17
Or switch back to water, maybe? Same color, trick your brain.
JasonThorn 23
Jeez, Black Widow, you should never have quit the Avengers...
Taurus_ChicKa 37
Or you need to stop drinking entirely and deal with your issues instead of drowning them in alcohol. I know it's difficult, but trust me, alcohol will only make your problems worse.
EBrogen 12
Did you go into properties and click "show hidden files"