Today, I took an incredibly painful dump. After I cleaned myself up, I got up and was about to flush, until I saw something moving around in one of the logs of poop. It looked like an earthworm. It wasn't there when I sat down. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML
Today, I sat down for a poop. The toilet seat slid off immediately, taking me with it. I lay on the bathroom floor for a moment, stunned, still pooping. FML
Today, after having horrific constipation the day before, I finally got the rock hard turd out of my system. Things got awkward as I cried out in pain and my mom asked me what was wrong. Realizing the dining room and kitchen was nearby, I said "Never mind, it's gross!" I think she figured it out anyways. FML
Today, I went over to my uncle's house for dinner and my stomach hurt really bad. I noticed there were two toilets and sat in the prettier one and took a huge dump. Turns out I'd chosen the brand new toilet that wasn't connected to anything yet. FML
Today, I took a big, smelly, satisfying dump when I woke up. When I tried to flush, nothing happened. None of my four roommates bothered to tell me we didn’t have running water. FML
Today, I was taking the biggest shit of my life. When I worked the thing out, it hit the water with such force that I got a toilet water enema from the backwash. I was so freaked out that I screamed and fell off the seat, prompting my husband to rush in to see what was wrong. FML
Today, I went with my boyfriend to meet his parents. I had to excuse myself to use the bathroom, and I ended up taking a huge crap that wouldn't flush. I had to reach in and break it up with my hands just so it would flush. Only after I washed up did I notice a plunger sitting under the sink. FML
Today, I woke up and went into the bathroom and noticed a dark mass in the toilet. Thinking someone took a dump and didn't flush, I approached the toilet ready to dispose of it. That's when I noticed its whiskers and ears. It was a rat, and it was alive. FML
Today, I had to take a dump at work. I walked into the bathroom and opened a stall, only to find what I can only describe as a fecal crime scene. It was like a turd had exploded mid-air. It was so vile, my anxiety kicked in and I broke down into a sobbing panic attack. FML
Today, I was taking a dump at a public restroom. As I reached over to grab the toilet paper, I realized someone had peed on it. FML
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Top comments
izzybd 20
You should probably go to a doctor
raesos91 26
aww, what did you name it?
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Comments (245)
Zebediabolical 45
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Worms... BEST DIET EVER!
ColdplaySucks 18
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Unless it grew inside of him. Then it wouldn't really be a diet.
wldd0g 9
Just don't try to resume the diet by putting it back.
Zebediabolical 45
I guess I should have referred to it as a weight-loss technique instead of a diet.
wldd0g 9
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
How much you wanna bet OP spent awhile at the garage and ate out of the vending machine?
ironichalibut 24
No more gas station egg salad sandwiches for you! Even if they do make you incredibly intelligent, dexterous and slim.
fdupagain 11
Gas station sushi.
miketopgunmike1 25
You obviously didn't get the reference........
TimeDisposalEngi 14
Diet of Worms guys.... Come on. Nobody got the reference?
jillybee101 7
It's tape worm you dumb ****. Grow up, Jesus Christ.
xStaciexLynnx 15
156- Are you telling Jesus Christ to grow up? I don't think he reads FML's...
1217jonathan 15
Futurama .... Only for cool people
balletteacher 11
#143- I did!
CameliaRose 2
#156 Dont need to be an asshole.
Osito2011 9
It's not a tape worm! It's a nematode aka roundworm.
1crabbygirl 10
That's hilarious. ppl on here are so uptight.
izzybd 20
You should probably go to a doctor
_GoodGuy 11
Or a Oligochaetologist
JenkJenks 6
Or go fishing
TrueTriage 16
Psh whaaaaa that's logical... Just drink a ton of liquor and it'll kill what ever is in you. Remember kids a healthy person is a shitfaced one.
chelsearenaeee 16
#40 I like the way you think
blackzi11a 7
Where is that doc bastard when ya need him?!?!
twaumat 28
I'm reading this while on the john, I'm afraid to get up and look.
michaeljcaboose 7
No way, 2! Just let the worms work their magic! He'll be playing the holophoner in no time!
lonewolf621 17
Use the worms as bait for when you go fishing
JoeCookieRaider 5
What's he going to do? Shit on the fish. Yeah, no.
beej821410 6
I think he was implying that OP take the worm out of the toilet.
awkward_potato 11
#168 haha futurama was life!
killaach 6
Go to the doctor stat op. I wish you the best
M3DIC4T3 29
Screw the doctor, go to the ER. Worms are nasty and dealing with doctor appointments just takes too long for this situation.
Wizzlbang 10
it's just an intestinal worm, you're making it sound like it's a blood or brain worm. You've been watching too many episodes of 'monsters inside me'.
fdupagain 11
Ok, I've never seen it, but just the title gives me the shivers.
kirasant 19
Don't worry OP, there's loads of ways to get a parasite like that and they're generally very easy to get rid of. The doctors will fix you up quick.
Ki11erC 18
Don't even need doc, just pop in the chemist and pick up the meds. Also start checking cats/dogs you have and start washing hands more.
hessel 13
doctor who?
raesos91 26
aww, what did you name it?
ApologyKick 25
4 has got a point this is probably (hopefully) the closest you will ever come to having a kid. You described it as extremely painful and then out popped a new organism. The real mystery here is when was the conception?
ironichalibut 24
That time he ate that Twinkie that fell on the ground, that was when the miraculous cycle of life began.
LarryLaDouche 13
Wormy :3
klovemachine 24
Mmm tequila :-)
igive 29
For the love of God go to the doctor! I have seen Promethius!
nanxi 30
I personally haven't seen that movie, but I have seen Dreamcatcher. Go, OP, go!!
HunterTex89 3
This comment wins all the internets.
omgalice 5
See a doctor ASAP, that sounds pretty shitty
iCherryPanda 12
Lol. Shitty. #isuck
SpicyDuck 22
#hashtags don't work on FML...
Smashhoof 15
#9 has good advice, but a bad pun.
Axipiter 24
9 should **** right off. Too harsh? Didn't think so. Damned shit jokes...
HannahLouise96 13
That pun was pretty shitty.
FuKcMee 32
quick honey get the camera! ITS ALIVE!!!
fdupagain 11
Quick, honey, get the gun! It's alive!
la_gata_0716 5
I almost throw up!
Welshite 40
#41: Well, she was initially going to throw up, but decided that throwing down was much more fun.
JoeCookieRaider 5
* threw up
MakeTodayADTR 20
I don't want to know what that thing has been through... It's a survivor. :P
icey0796 6
It's an episode of 'I Shouldn't Be Alive' and 'Monsters Inside Me' all rolled into one.