Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML
Today, my father decided to tell me in detail when and how he lost his virginity. He even told me what position it was and who this girl was. I will never look at him in the same way again. He also made his hands "have sex". FML
Today, my dad gave me the dreaded sex talk, but he got sidetracked and started talking about how good my mum was in bed. FML
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML
Today, my father decided it would be a good idea to give me the sex talk, at Target, at the top of his lungs. FML
Today, my dad drunkenly confessed that the reason he never gave me the sex talk was because he figured that I'm too weird-looking and socially awkward to ever get laid. He's right, all too right. FML
Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said, "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML
Today, I got the sex talk from my dad. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't said, "It's not the size of the stick, it's how you use it." I'm a girl. FML
Today, my dad sat me down for a talk. After the talk, he wasn't my dad anymore. FML
Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML
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Top comments
WCARlover 35
I'll keep that in mind for when I have kids lol
kikiwi_fml 9
Looks like your dad has it figured out.
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Comments (209)
neonparanoia 5
Sounds like something my dad would say
alandacio 0
Haha funny
gigi03 5
His mission was accomplished..
fpike17 0
Smartest dad ever.
Jf770 10
Best dad EVER.
someguy314159265 15
Don't complain, he is only doing his part in controlling the human population.
cttwtr 10
Brilliant. Your Dad just won parent of the year!!!
gremlin_bros 19
I'm thinking that was his goal to ruin it for you forever
music87 14
This is the best FML I have read all day. XD
LyssaPea 0
Oh how bad I feel for you!
nuggettx 0
Love your BOOBS!!