Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML
Today, my father decided to tell me in detail when and how he lost his virginity. He even told me what position it was and who this girl was. I will never look at him in the same way again. He also made his hands "have sex". FML
Today, my dad gave me the dreaded sex talk, but he got sidetracked and started talking about how good my mum was in bed. FML
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML
Today, my father decided it would be a good idea to give me the sex talk, at Target, at the top of his lungs. FML
Today, my dad drunkenly confessed that the reason he never gave me the sex talk was because he figured that I'm too weird-looking and socially awkward to ever get laid. He's right, all too right. FML
Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said, "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML
Today, I got the sex talk from my dad. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't said, "It's not the size of the stick, it's how you use it." I'm a girl. FML
Today, my dad sat me down for a talk. After the talk, he wasn't my dad anymore. FML
Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
WCARlover 35
I'll keep that in mind for when I have kids lol
kikiwi_fml 9
Looks like your dad has it figured out.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (209)
SwtCherryPie 26
That is soo awesome. Totally gonna make my husband use that line on my daughter when the time comes for that talk.
QBallMaster 0
Your Dad is as genius!!!
duhWINNING2_fml 9
How the hell does that qualify as the sex talk.
rharmon85 0
That's great!
melimeli628 10
Parenting win right there :)
skyeyez9 25
Years later when they pester you about why you haven't given them grandkids, you can tell them why.
sadistic_chemica 0
Theirs plenty of other positions to choose from
imcharp 5
Go dad, go dad it's your birthday it's your birthday Lmao gotta get my hubby connected with smooth move
sikmunkee 9
bummer
rattusrattus 19
"It's OK Dad, whenever you think about having sex, just picture my face like this!" *indicate exaggerated O-face*