Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML
Today, my father decided to tell me in detail when and how he lost his virginity. He even told me what position it was and who this girl was. I will never look at him in the same way again. He also made his hands "have sex". FML
Today, my dad gave me the dreaded sex talk, but he got sidetracked and started talking about how good my mum was in bed. FML
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML
Today, my father decided it would be a good idea to give me the sex talk, at Target, at the top of his lungs. FML
Today, my dad drunkenly confessed that the reason he never gave me the sex talk was because he figured that I'm too weird-looking and socially awkward to ever get laid. He's right, all too right. FML
Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said, "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML
Today, I got the sex talk from my dad. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't said, "It's not the size of the stick, it's how you use it." I'm a girl. FML
Today, my dad sat me down for a talk. After the talk, he wasn't my dad anymore. FML
Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML
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Top comments
WCARlover 35
I'll keep that in mind for when I have kids lol
kikiwi_fml 9
Looks like your dad has it figured out.
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Comments (209)
cjwalsh86 0
Dad 1 kid 0
Capt_Oblivious 10
My dad gave me one also which consisted of; "That's your gun boy and it's loaded, be careful who you shoot"
Enslaved 38
Wise words!
Capt_Oblivious 10
Saved me from some awkward moments let me tell ya.
Enslaved 38
If you ever get caught masturbating, just say you're target practicing! Lol Hopefully that never happens. *knock on wood*
Capt_Oblivious 10
Practice makes perfect. lol Besides, if I get caught now it's my fault for letting them in my house.
sheethapins 13
Knock on wood? Isn't that the idea?
Capt_Oblivious 10
Absolutely, I 'firmly' support knocking wood.
Aoifexzx 3
I think that was the point.
olroydk 0
My mom did something similar but she said don't do anything to you boyfriend that u wouldn't do to you own dad can u ******* believe that lol...
Capt_Oblivious 10
And you can still function in normal society? Damn you're luck, that kinda shit will mess you up for life.
nikkij1988 0
Hilarious
bellnuts 0
Well I guess that's one form of birth control... Haha
Fylminesawsome 5
If there was a "like" button, I would click it.
EmperorHilo 11
That's rough, no kid should have to see that....
xSorry_fml 10
your sex life has been trolled for ever inspiring dads all over the world ^^
cylus13 9
He did his job well. But really sex is a wonderful thing when your ready. And here is a secret. That creepy face he made will be nothing to the one you make when you have sex and it's really good.
GoodeAngelz3 0
thats nice of ur dad...at least he cares...?