Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML
Today, my father decided to tell me in detail when and how he lost his virginity. He even told me what position it was and who this girl was. I will never look at him in the same way again. He also made his hands "have sex". FML
Today, my dad gave me the dreaded sex talk, but he got sidetracked and started talking about how good my mum was in bed. FML
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML
Today, my father decided it would be a good idea to give me the sex talk, at Target, at the top of his lungs. FML
Today, my dad drunkenly confessed that the reason he never gave me the sex talk was because he figured that I'm too weird-looking and socially awkward to ever get laid. He's right, all too right. FML
Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said, "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML
Today, I got the sex talk from my dad. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't said, "It's not the size of the stick, it's how you use it." I'm a girl. FML
Today, my dad sat me down for a talk. After the talk, he wasn't my dad anymore. FML
Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML
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Top comments
WCARlover 35
I'll keep that in mind for when I have kids lol
kikiwi_fml 9
Looks like your dad has it figured out.
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Comments (209)
tylersign 11
The talk is now rendered useless. Dads will, from now on, just use the "sex stare".
5t3ff1k4h 47
Best dad ever, I'm sorry.
RooBooBear 0
Oh you poor child D:
JinxosGirl87 0
Once you look at the sexy, lusty face of your boyfriend, all ugly dad stares will flee your mind.
blake204 0
Hehehe
knaar_227 1
I'm pretty sure OP is a guy.
sheethapins 13
That's why there's a female symbol by the FML, because op's a guy. Good job, sport.
UofLCardFan08 6
Hilarious
deadbabies 0
OP, you're gonna stay a virgin, meet the man of your dreams, wait until marriage for sex, and his O face is gonna be the face your dad made. Calling it now
clemcool_fml 0
Your dad has this "encouraging abstinence" thing down pat. Brilliant idea.
rainbo955 0
That is an epic dad. Lucky your dad didn't say "if you ever decide to have sex, just remember, I have a shot gun in my closet."
jewelsfml 0
how funny! I'm so having my husband do that when my girls are older! bahaha!
Enslaved 38
Believe me, in the heat of the moment, you'll forget all about daddy! Haha, my dad gave me "the sex talk" during a two minute commercial break. Thank God!
XcaleX 0
My sentiments exactly.
The_Troller 14
My parents gave it me when I was 12 and told me "not to get any girls pregnant". Very awkward.
Enslaved 38
Mine was during a UM game. Turned to me and said: "If you plan to have sex, it might be smart to be on the pill". *crickets*
drawmesunshine 17
Am I the only one who didn't get a "sex talk" from my parents? :/
Capt_Oblivious 10
Yes, yes you are. Feel lucky.
Capt_Oblivious 10
You could watch animal planet and learn those facts. Just an FYI, you won't need to rip their head off with our species.
tylersign 11
54- You're not alone :D
KiddNYC1O 22
54- I second that.
lustheart 7
Third^^
SarcasticUnicorn 9
54 I didn't get it either
Humanspider 18
I did not get the sex talk either. I heard the talk is horrible.
roseXthorns 8
54- no. I have not received the talk either. I'm fifteen.
5t3ff1k4h 47
My mother and I had a very interesting version of the 'talk'. "You haven't had sex yet, have you?" "...Years ago." /walks away
Katastrophe101 8
Consider yourselves lucky. My mom gave me the talk in the car. No escape.
sarahbear430 0
Solid advice, 48
robotic_families 0
My mom gave me the sex talk while we were stuck in gridlock on the Baltimore Beltway. Guess she knew I'd try to escape otherwise. -_-;;