Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML
Today, my father decided to tell me in detail when and how he lost his virginity. He even told me what position it was and who this girl was. I will never look at him in the same way again. He also made his hands "have sex". FML
Today, my dad gave me the dreaded sex talk, but he got sidetracked and started talking about how good my mum was in bed. FML
Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML
Today, my father decided it would be a good idea to give me the sex talk, at Target, at the top of his lungs. FML
Today, my dad drunkenly confessed that the reason he never gave me the sex talk was because he figured that I'm too weird-looking and socially awkward to ever get laid. He's right, all too right. FML
Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said, "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML
Today, I got the sex talk from my dad. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't said, "It's not the size of the stick, it's how you use it." I'm a girl. FML
Today, my dad sat me down for a talk. After the talk, he wasn't my dad anymore. FML
Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML
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Top comments
WCARlover 35
I'll keep that in mind for when I have kids lol
kikiwi_fml 9
Looks like your dad has it figured out.
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Comments (209)
WCARlover 35
I'll keep that in mind for when I have kids lol
melchibr_fml 0
At least he pointed at his creepy face instead of dropping his pants
CanWeMicrowaveIt 11
Well then.... Just... Turn off the lights?:D
LiyIa_fml 8
I think your Father, just succeded in making sure you don't have sex.
allenye818 2
Your dad wins
BatteryAddict 11
Bwahahahahaha
sheethapins 13
See what's in 80's pic? You'll never have one.
EpicSquishii 21
"Picture my face like this" imagination works in the dark too, you butthead.
jake1632 9
wait... guys.. What's sex?
sheethapins 13
What! You don't know what sex is? It's... Erm.., it's a kind of desert?
xwantedx 5
Desert?! I would get the joke if your wrote dessert but sex is a type of desert? Mind=blown
talldude4u 3
Sounds dry
DynamicDave 11
If its remotely comparable to a desert, you're doing it wrong!
sarahbear430 0
151 your pic is awesome
jake1632 9
I believe your sarcasm detectors are broken, sir. to be stupid enough not to understand, you really need to stop taking things so seriously.
DetLions32 6
Ur fault for saying stupid questions in the first place
kikiwi_fml 9
Looks like your dad has it figured out.
KaanTech 0
Daddy knows the best :) Well at least he is ok with you having sex, only problem that he sabotaged your entire sex life for rest of your life. Truly I m sorry for you, fyl op
randomman423 0
I agree...
SuperKnuckels 6
shouldnt the mom give OP the advice since its like a man to man / woman to woman talk? lol.
benderbot19 0
Your dad just ruined sex for me, too.
thisisafunnyname 12
do not have sex. if you have sex you will get chlamydia and you die.
cfalen 0
No one lives forever #61
margie2194 12
72- 61 is just making a mean girls reference...
RedPillSucks 33
I love clams
IcyJack 7
Or your penis will shrivel up and fall off, then go into a hell filled with hungry vicious dogs.
scrapmetal58 9
Only I can live forever. Avada kadavra!
thebeautybleeds 17
128- you made my day.
greenlime_fml 3
61 is quoting a movie. Don't get hysterical...
Mischief109 11
128- I'm watching hp and right when I read that voldemort yelled it 0.o
fortehlulocaust 6
That's one way to scar you forever
TherealMort 0
You'll fall in love with sex when you get your first ******.
sheethapins 13
~Sneezes on Mort~
BigManny94 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Or he just wants you to think about him when your getting laid. :/
uprising_fml 0
or he wants her to think about his creepy face, thus turning her off from said lay .
aceman1992 9
5- I wish you were joking, but I don't think you were. I'm gonna have to ask you to leave now.
sandracore 15
this is way too disturbing, even for on FML
thebeautybleeds 17
You know, this would be a funny comment, if you didn't add that ':/' at the end.
umm_Talk 9
Sounds about right.
ByronJess 17
I am so sorry!
Torva_fml 16
I'm not, that's funny.... That dad just breezed through that sex talk, with a strong finish. I admire the man.
The_Troller 14
I find this FML funny because it reminds of the Stare Dad meme. And it's goes perfectly with it.
Rawr6591 21
Meme reference....win
bobby127 0
Hi
sucks2BEyouu 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
your dad wants you to think about him while you're having sex. yep that is not wierd at all. FYL.
ohmandapants 17
You obviously missed the point of the FML. How about you do some thinking? That is, if it's not too hard for ya.
xX_LilSammie_Xx 4
Weird*
Cinn_fml 23
I think he's got 'the talk' sussed...
Cinn_fml 23
Sussed = figured out. :p And I meant that he achieved his goal of putting his daughter off sex for some time.