Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job. I thought it was going great and I was doing a good job, until he told me to "stop chomping on it like it's a hot dog." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was giving my boyfriend a long blowjob and had to pause for a minute because my mouth became exceedingly dry. His solution? Spit directly in my mouth. FML
Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich." He seriously thought it was a turn on. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. As I was beginning to enjoy and really get into it, I heard him say, "Oh my god, this is good shit." I looked up sexily, only to find that he was eating a Twinkie. FML
Today, my boyfriend wouldn’t stop smacking and slurping his food. I told him to at least chew with his mouth closed. He looked me dead in the eye, with a mouth full of chewed up pizza, and said, “No.” FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around in his car. I then decided I was going to give him a blowjob for the first time. As I was going down, he grabbed my chin and said, "Don't do that, your mouth isn't clean enough." FML
Today, I finally felt ready to give my boyfriend a blowjob. Barely 20 seconds in, he said: "I'll be honest, this is TERRIBLE." FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me. FML
Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. I started to moan right when I was about to climax. He got worried, stopped and asked, "Are you okay?!" FML
Today, having regularly given my husband blowjobs, I suggested, mid-session, that he could maybe reciprocate. He complained that I was wet, begrudgingly licked for about a minute and then gave up. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. It took ages for him to get excited, and in the end the only thing that blew up was him, saying, "Oh my god, just stop it already." FML
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Top comments
justlikeme79 9
Yow. I'm a girl, but that makes ME hurt.
ThatLooksSticky 16
Considering how small tootsie rolls are, that might not be something to brag about.
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Comments (183)
superHydrate 4
aaah!! that blows!!
WCARlover 35
I don't get why people still try to do these puns...they are widely refuted by almost that whole FML community yet people still comment with stuff like this
Rei_Ayanami 18
I'm waiting for "that bites!" or some other terrible pun. I believe people do it because despite the public outcry of rage, they think the are clever and funny.
ShyAnn29 15
36, BRAVO! great job! *gives a standing ovation* (I think that's the right spelling and/or word)
biasedshooter 24
It was alot punnyer than your jokes, stfu and stop trolling Ps. Grammar nazis i love you
supertacowaffle 41
No, should be, *It bites*.
IndigoAcrylic 9
You're supposed to lick it like an icecream cone and suck it like a lollipop ^_^
baconstrips 12
I don't know about you but I go ape shit on an ice cream cone
IndigoAcrylic 9
As long as don't "chomp"...I'm sure thatt makes your partner verrryyy happy xD
Jonkbaby 23
different strokes for different folks
teague95 16
quick question who the hell sucks on a lollipop?
teague95 16
Keevarou sorry your wrong Lil Wayne gave clear instructions to "lick it like a lollipop"
ShroomsOnAcid 17
Well I don't know about you all, but I bite my ice cream and crunch my lollipops.
teague95 16
Chill it was a JOKE man.
FYLDeep 26
Who gives a shit what Lil Wanye thinks? Let him lick or suck whatever he wants.
teague95 16
I don't but it was the only relative joke
RussianFox 13
46- It was a joke, if you take that too seriously then that's a problem.
screamo_neve 12
He said he likes to answer seriously at times... So he knows it was a joke.
IndigoAcrylic 9
Calm your raging hormones, yall ;D
L0V34L1F3 9
No teeth on ice cream! That makes my teeth hurt. Sucking on lollipop is the best! Fastest way to finish the lollipop and no chance of hurting my tongue on the rough spots in the beginning.
Jovecove 13
Well **** lil Wayne
ChilledDubstepa 6
I laughed at 53's comment.
umm_Talk 9
I think that's why old ladies give the best head. They have no teeth.
Brooke__Lynn 5
I've never used my teeth. I will swirl my tongue around while he's in my mouth and use my hand for what doesn't go in my mouth ;-)
maz255 10
139 well hello there, nice to meet you :D
WCARlover 35
No teeth! Whatever you do, don't go there
Rei_Ayanami 18
Some guys like that, I guess it's just an ask first thing. Another option is to just have them guide you verbally as to what the want at the moment.
Yodaevil 4
So is that brought up over diner? "So how do you want me to suck you later?" Best. Date. Ever.
thebeautybleeds 17
Actually, my boyfriend likes it when I gently nibble.
RedPillSucks 33
guide verbally, as in him: Oww, owww oowwww!!!! Don't do it like that! her: what, honey? him: less teeth, more tongue! her: like this? *slurp* him: less drool, fool!!!! her: *bites harder* him: oww! shit!!!!
kaykay20 0
Less drool? If you even had a sucker in your mouth you'd now having something the mouth causes saliva to build up with only one place to go when not swallowing much, outside the mouth.
kaykay20 0
*know
justlikeme79 9
Yow. I'm a girl, but that makes ME hurt.
Jdimp 1
nom nom nom
TheNewGuy03 29
I don't always feel like I have to give tips (hehe!), but if I had one piece of sage advice to lend, it would be that sucking at blowing does more harm than good: the girl sucks longer, and (of course) the dude is in pain. Interestingly enough, the best BJ I ever received came from a girl with braces. Apparently, she had no trouble wrapping her head around that concept... |the kid|
11up 14
blow jobs are God's gift to men
lovepotion75 4
That's like asking why did god give you life.. Just want to put it out there, it wasn't just ur mom and dad believe me.
lovepotion75 4
Let's not forget, what ever you revive good or not.. Its from god. :)
ShroomsOnAcid 17
No, blow jobs are women's gift to men. So...God = women?
lovepotion75 4
Who created eve?
teague95 16
"If this becomes a debate on religion we're turning off the comments" Your welcome Alan on the FML team said it for you (:
Beebow_fml 5
Isn't it sacreligious to have any type of sex purely for pleasure that involves the "spilling of the seed" or something like that? I think ******** are the French's gift to men.
bobbycorwen 5
Yes. God's gift to men was the free will to get blow jays.
docscientist 10
God's gift to man was to not exist. Shazzam.
iceblue_fml 0
Actually BJs happened atleast as far back as the roman times and also there are monkeys who do oral sex on eachother. So it may surpass humans alltogether.
bobbycorwen 5
I don't believe in gods either, but you need solid information to validate that claim.
skinflint 6
67: it is only sacrilegious if you are having sex with your dead brothers wife.
deviable 9
Hot dog are both disgusting and delicious. Ours is a complicated relationship.
hattypat 0
Ask him to demonstrate on a banana for you. ;)
ShroomsOnAcid 17
A banana's still not quite the same. I say we make it more realistic.
umm_Talk 9
I hate it when my junk gets chomped on too! :-P
Jonkbaby 23
serious question- what would motorboating feel like? lmao
TheChad85 1
Guys like some feedback too, help us help u. I'm just speaking for myself but I like to aim for Perfection, so it would behoove girls to provide us with a few words of advice and let us keep trying.
bombroot 9
Thanks for the mental image ...
KittyJay 3
kinda your fault... sorry. may i make a suggestion for practice? get a banana... spread peanut butter all over the banana.... add honey for lubrication if you want... your task is to get the peanut butter all off without breaking or putting teethmarks on the banana... you're welcome...
Miss_Trejo 5
Wow. I don't think I could spread peanut butter on a banana without ending with a terrible mush.
Lqum26 0
That's what she said
ShroomsOnAcid 17
Honey for lubrication? Honey doesn't exactly have the reputation of being wet and slippery.
OhLohd111 11
I kinda thought that continuing to give head until it's perfect would be practice enough so you know exactly what he likes... No?
teague95 16
!ATTENTION ALL LADIES LISTEN TO 52 SHE IS RIGHT!
TheChad85 1
Agreed ^^ guys don't typically mind helping u achieve Perfection
IndigoAcrylic 9
Iknowsomeguyswhoarebetterthanladiesatthis xD
G0v3nat0r 7
I wonder how many girls are actually going to try this
FoxRacerGirl7 7
Ha Ha Ha Ha oh my gosh!
brock329 3
Agreed