Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML
Today, I had to drive my husband to the ER because he stuck a cucumber in his butt. FML
Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Today, I pulled a piece of dental floss out of my ass. How it got there is one of life's great mysteries. FML
Today, I visited the doctor. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Today, I accidentally twisted my balls in my own underwear so badly that I had to be hospitalized. FML
Today, I went to the doctor's. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Today, I was lucky to have an extremely attractive doctor operating on me. This would have been great had he not been removing a foreign object from my vagina after an ill-fated masturbation session. FML
Today, in a scene worthy of any comedy movie, I slipped and landed on my ass right on the garden rake my husband left in the grass. Sounds funny, right? Well, I have 9 holes in my ass and thigh that need stitches. One of them came close to poking my femoral artery, so technically I almost died. FML
Today, it's been 2 days since my boyfriend "accidentally" slipped into the wrong hole while continuing to hammer me at full speed. I still can't poop or even walk right. FML
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Top comments
warped_executive 16
Practice makes perfect? xD
SuperWhoMarvLock 22
I think lying about it is way worse than owning up to it. It just makes you look stupider than you already look.
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Comments (197)
warped_executive 16
Practice makes perfect? xD
MortenM 17
Yes, but there's no need to be that anal about it
zahidnasir 22
But nobody is perfect so why practice?
Kobeh 13
That may have been the most ignorant question I have ever heard #72
koulz 12
It's a philosoraptor meme #86
OrangeSodaCrazy 10
IM THE FIRST YAAAAAAS
igg125 30
You're the second and have a stupid comment.
Welshite 40
I accidentally trip and fall onto condomed zucchini all the time. I simply consider it a sign from the universe and make sure to slip repeatedly.
jerzjay 17
Simple explanation, the cucumber was cold so they put a condom on it cause it fits like a glove, and then they stepped on a banana peel slipped feet first, dropped the cucumber while in the air, and fell on it ass first...makes complete sense!
simeone 3
You forgot they were naked too
4WheelBurnout 14
Everyone has yet to ask the gender of this "Idiot"
lulu889x 22
It clearly says up "his" ass
leafynitemare 24
"condomed zucchini" killed me lmao
cadillacgal79 32
This FML just screams Docbastard.
False_Stupidity 42
The very first thing i thought of after reading this was DocBastard and his picture..
DocBastard 40
Eh?
Feklfekl2222 32
I thought Doc until I saw the OP had his location attached, we know Doc would never slip up like that
RedPillSucks 33
doc, it looks like the dude in your pic wasn't practicing safe come bottle sex. I hope the cap was off
micassures_fml 19
what are you guys talking about? ? :)
rockyhorrorQT 12
I also thought DocBastard when I read this.
logicnazi 18
#84 you'll see him if you read enough comments
psychopolarbear 28
Congrats Doc, you've achieved monument status on FML
BecauseIAmBatman_fml 22
Was he worried he would get an STD from the cucumber?
fiveforfighting 26
He was probably using the condom for the lube but then again we never know what these people are thinking..
SuperWhoMarvLock 22
I think lying about it is way worse than owning up to it. It just makes you look stupider than you already look.
darkmournings 12
amen!. there is no point in lying when ita brutally obvious what was actually going on.
cadillacgal79 32
"I swear doctor, I fell backwards and that cucumber went straight up my ass!"
pygmyfrog 31
The people with objects up their orifices must really think hospital staff are morons if they expect to be believed ... which makes you wonder why they'd want help from morons ...
logicnazi 18
I would still lie, but something feasible like, "my friends and I like doing dares/pranks kinda like the show jackass... Etc".
CaitiieBuggs 23
An old professor of mine once brought in x-rays of random things stuck up men's asses. The best one was of a remote control and tagging along right behind it was salad tongs. The man swore up and down he tripped and fell on both items.
mthurston 14
Yeah, lying to hospital staff is like lying to the cops, don't do it cuz they're there to help
igg125 30
Must have been a big cucumber
imonheretoooften 16
Must be a product of excessive twerking.
darkmournings 12
really.
hayleymaybe 12
And poorly placed cucumbers.
apineapple 40
At least he had protection.
mads_nicole 19
Oh the things I could say, butt I think I'll keep my mouth shut.
Jefffz 13
I liked this don't know why you were voted down
laden_swallow09 35
I voted it down because the comment was redundant and offered nothing of any worth to the subject. If you have nothing to say, then keep it at that; don't say anything. Also, too much work for such a weak pun.
OysterPearls 33
At least it wasn't a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth maple syrup. It's happened.
rockwrench 18
Now thats just funny. Great comment.