Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML
Today, I had to drive my husband to the ER because he stuck a cucumber in his butt. FML
Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Today, I pulled a piece of dental floss out of my ass. How it got there is one of life's great mysteries. FML
Today, I visited the doctor. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Today, I accidentally twisted my balls in my own underwear so badly that I had to be hospitalized. FML
Today, I went to the doctor's. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Today, I was lucky to have an extremely attractive doctor operating on me. This would have been great had he not been removing a foreign object from my vagina after an ill-fated masturbation session. FML
Today, in a scene worthy of any comedy movie, I slipped and landed on my ass right on the garden rake my husband left in the grass. Sounds funny, right? Well, I have 9 holes in my ass and thigh that need stitches. One of them came close to poking my femoral artery, so technically I almost died. FML
Today, it's been 2 days since my boyfriend "accidentally" slipped into the wrong hole while continuing to hammer me at full speed. I still can't poop or even walk right. FML
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Top comments
warped_executive 16
Practice makes perfect? xD
SuperWhoMarvLock 22
I think lying about it is way worse than owning up to it. It just makes you look stupider than you already look.
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Comments (197)
Karlsmarx2 9
That would be funny as shit a ten really gay guys go into a hospital with cucumbers up their asses
Anxe 9
"Yeah, that's happened to my boyfriend too," said the male OP.
chaseafterwind82 29
As least he used protection, you don't want an interspecies cucumber STD...
firemedic841 11
Hey, you spelled HIPAA right! It truly is amazing how many rectal insertion of foreign objects there are that show up in hospitals.
RedPillSucks 33
what? nobody uses gerbles any more? they won't suffocate in the condom
WOTAN1488 24
Working in a ER sounds exciting.
WOTAN1488 24
It must be a real PAIN IN THE ASS though. Had to.
cr500guy 11
because condoms keep em fresh. I thought everyone knew that
kewpiesuicide 29
Point them toward an adult store. They have 'vibe enhancers' that can make anything phallic anal safe by giving it a wide base. Or they could just get a butt plug...
sturschaedel 27
Or, instead of a condom they could use a femidom - the have a large ring on the base that is supposed to keep it from slipping up into the ******. I suppose it should work for the butt too.
kewpiesuicide 29
I wouldn't take chances on that one. The anal cavity tends to literally suck things in. Hence the large amount of accidents.
Krwman 8
Working in a hospital toughens you....
blahblah005 16
lmao i sure don't miss those days i have seen ppl come intoy hospital with all sorts of things up there