Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML
Today, I had to drive my husband to the ER because he stuck a cucumber in his butt. FML
Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Today, I pulled a piece of dental floss out of my ass. How it got there is one of life's great mysteries. FML
Today, I visited the doctor. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Today, I accidentally twisted my balls in my own underwear so badly that I had to be hospitalized. FML
Today, I went to the doctor's. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Today, I was lucky to have an extremely attractive doctor operating on me. This would have been great had he not been removing a foreign object from my vagina after an ill-fated masturbation session. FML
Today, in a scene worthy of any comedy movie, I slipped and landed on my ass right on the garden rake my husband left in the grass. Sounds funny, right? Well, I have 9 holes in my ass and thigh that need stitches. One of them came close to poking my femoral artery, so technically I almost died. FML
Today, it's been 2 days since my boyfriend "accidentally" slipped into the wrong hole while continuing to hammer me at full speed. I still can't poop or even walk right. FML
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Top comments
warped_executive 16
Practice makes perfect? xD
SuperWhoMarvLock 22
I think lying about it is way worse than owning up to it. It just makes you look stupider than you already look.
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Comments (197)
skyeyez9 25
There was an episode on Scrubs with this type of scenario. Everybody had odd excuses and one guy was honest and said "I was bored."
Anony2014 10
I wish I had seen that Scrubs episode. I've only seen the SNL skit with the repeat patient getting various objects stuck in his rectum.
EarlFug 19
Cucumbers are sneaky that way.
rabbi1010 29
This is exact reason I stopped buying cucumbers.
XmasaX 24
Sound's like DocBastard's Blog.
ADBurns 22
Does that constitute as one of their 5 a day?
rockyhorrorQT 12
According to Quagmire, anal insertion counts: Quagmire: Aah, carrots. Sometimes I grind them up in the juice or just eat 'em raw. Or insert them anally. As long as I get 'em into my body somehow.
daddysgirl243 21
I do it all the time
Silk_Routes 14
Hope u never created emergencies
freddygasman 18
if I'm ever over for dinner, I'll pass on the salad. :)
soactually 4
"I was halfway through a salad recipe and accidentally switched over to suppository directions"
MmmPinkTacos 11
Well obviously it was an accident, you don't need a condom for your butt just lube
PePziNL 20
And guess what's on most condoms?
MmmPinkTacos 11
I know it was a terrible joke...
Matheo_fml 21
Putting foreign objects into your anus - even if you washed them carefully beforehand - you should put a condom on. You never know what pesticides they used on the groceries...
freddygasman 18
Folks, we have a professional here.
DocBastard 40
At least my patient actually had the balls to admit what he did. Then again, he also had the balls to fill a Coke bottle with water, put a condom on it, and then lose it in his rectum.
FitFriday 32
Please tell me he did not drive
RedPillSucks 33
well. he wasn't drinking it, so he's ok.
sicksadworld1317 30
So after all that forward thinking prep work, your patient still didn't have the sense to at least tie a string around the bottle for removal? I would have face palmed, after a change of gloves and much scrubbing, of course.
sturschaedel 27
At least he didn't send a bottle of Jack after it to see if it arrived ok.
katydid91 31
Was he trying to give himself some type of enema?
lavieestbelle_fml 11
One time a guy had an operation to get a mobile phone removed from his rectum (he also used the 'slipped and fell' excuse). the phone rang three times during the operation...
RedPillSucks 33
nah, it should have been on vibrate
lexwilder 16
I'm imagining him trying to explain why he missed that call. Also wondering what carrier has that strong of signal...
Mynamewontfi 40
I'm just hoping his ringtone was "What, what, in the butt".
NostalgiaFreak9 43
Did he happen to have the phone on vibrate?
RabbitOfAurora 28
How many missed calls in total?
IcemistDragon 20
This is an amazing story XD
ArmyVet1 16
I am in tears from laughing so hard picturing that cell phone ringing!!! Muy father in law in an Anesthesiologist and he's told me some crazy stories. I'm gonna ask him if something like this has happened while he was in the O.R. :)
Supersonic54 18
Doc Bastard? Is that you?
sturschaedel 27
If it was him, and if he had given a location, it would probably have been something creative, like North Korea or South Sudan or something.