Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML
Today, I had to drive my husband to the ER because he stuck a cucumber in his butt. FML
Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Today, I pulled a piece of dental floss out of my ass. How it got there is one of life's great mysteries. FML
Today, I visited the doctor. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Today, I accidentally twisted my balls in my own underwear so badly that I had to be hospitalized. FML
Today, I went to the doctor's. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Today, I was lucky to have an extremely attractive doctor operating on me. This would have been great had he not been removing a foreign object from my vagina after an ill-fated masturbation session. FML
Today, in a scene worthy of any comedy movie, I slipped and landed on my ass right on the garden rake my husband left in the grass. Sounds funny, right? Well, I have 9 holes in my ass and thigh that need stitches. One of them came close to poking my femoral artery, so technically I almost died. FML
Today, it's been 2 days since my boyfriend "accidentally" slipped into the wrong hole while continuing to hammer me at full speed. I still can't poop or even walk right. FML
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Top comments
warped_executive 16
Practice makes perfect? xD
SuperWhoMarvLock 22
I think lying about it is way worse than owning up to it. It just makes you look stupider than you already look.
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Comments (197)
Lunacy91 7
One of my nursing friends from uni works in ED... He had a lady come in not long ago with 5 ****** - 3 in the front, 2 in the back. One other guy had a can of mortein (bug spray) stuck that went in lid first... When the can came out the lid stayed ?
sturschaedel 27
The lady needs to buy bigger ****** if the ones she has don't fill her up. The guy? There is no advice that will help him...
Dexter83_fml 17
I think they have taken "getting your 5 a day" but to far
StarkWolf_fml 23
oh got gods sake you're a doctor not a psychic just be glad that you're in business :-)
oceaneyes213 21
Doc Bastard?
NightHawk387 22
It was a million to one shot, Doc. A million to one.
thachiliandude 6
Or he was just being sarcastic
allforfun 23
Happens a lot more often than people think.
AirBusDriver 23
I had to fill in for my boss one time because he had called in saying he "tripped and fell on his sons Lightsaber". Of course we all cringed appropriately at his misfortune however after reading this FML I am doubting his story about how the toy became stuck inside his rectum... FML for the thought.
kingnothing123x 11
All I can say is I feel bad for you an practice makes perfect apparently
ogmaco 3
Hahahahq