Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML
Today, I had to drive my husband to the ER because he stuck a cucumber in his butt. FML
Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Today, I pulled a piece of dental floss out of my ass. How it got there is one of life's great mysteries. FML
Today, I visited the doctor. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Today, I accidentally twisted my balls in my own underwear so badly that I had to be hospitalized. FML
Today, I went to the doctor's. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Today, I was lucky to have an extremely attractive doctor operating on me. This would have been great had he not been removing a foreign object from my vagina after an ill-fated masturbation session. FML
Today, in a scene worthy of any comedy movie, I slipped and landed on my ass right on the garden rake my husband left in the grass. Sounds funny, right? Well, I have 9 holes in my ass and thigh that need stitches. One of them came close to poking my femoral artery, so technically I almost died. FML
Today, it's been 2 days since my boyfriend "accidentally" slipped into the wrong hole while continuing to hammer me at full speed. I still can't poop or even walk right. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
warped_executive 16
Practice makes perfect? xD
SuperWhoMarvLock 22
I think lying about it is way worse than owning up to it. It just makes you look stupider than you already look.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (197)
allyiscute1 22
Wow what do you even say to someone that comes in with something up their ass?.-.
RabbitOfAurora 28
It's actually far more common than you think, especially when people don't know you're meant to use specific anal toys with a flared base. So, you ask them what the object is, how long it's been there, if they're in any pain/discomfort and then get to the medical stuff.
sturschaedel 27
"OK, let's see about getting it out."
Matheo_fml 21
How about: "Bend over Mister, this will hurt a lot..."?
darthhera 11
Murphy's Law?
AndrewMoreira14 19
Oh my god I can't breathe this is too hilarious
fader48080 10
O can't speak to how one trips at such an angle, but everyone knows condoms keep phallic vegtables fresh. that's like straight up Martha Stewart stuff. Anyone wanna come over to my place for some salad?
myeviltwin 20
Hey cucumbers can be some pretty sneaky bastards :P
Ziggy122 15
People tend to forget that doctors and medical staff have SEEN SOME SHIT. They've seen everything from rashes in embarrassing places to gory car accidents. Getting help for your sexual experimentation gone wrong is no big deal until you try to make the "I fell on it" excuse. That's what really makes you look like an idiot.
manofletters 2
"Not that there's anything wrong with that!"
manofletters 2
And I thought being "gay" was a badge of honor these days, so to try and hide it????
RabbitOfAurora 28
#104, a male's prostate is in their anus and it can be compared to a ********. Just because a man enjoys this stimulation doesn't make him gay, what makes a guy gay is sexual attraction to another male.
idxntgiveafxck 17
That's embarrassing omg
nitrog100 21
These stories always remind me of this of episode of Scrubs. There was a montage of people saying, "I fell on it.", when asked how things got up their butt, and then the last guy just says, "I was bored."
juliana011 17
Well maybe he had to know the pain before he puts a girl through it