Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML
Today, I had to drive my husband to the ER because he stuck a cucumber in his butt. FML
Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Today, I pulled a piece of dental floss out of my ass. How it got there is one of life's great mysteries. FML
Today, I visited the doctor. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Today, I accidentally twisted my balls in my own underwear so badly that I had to be hospitalized. FML
Today, I went to the doctor's. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Today, I was lucky to have an extremely attractive doctor operating on me. This would have been great had he not been removing a foreign object from my vagina after an ill-fated masturbation session. FML
Today, in a scene worthy of any comedy movie, I slipped and landed on my ass right on the garden rake my husband left in the grass. Sounds funny, right? Well, I have 9 holes in my ass and thigh that need stitches. One of them came close to poking my femoral artery, so technically I almost died. FML
Today, it's been 2 days since my boyfriend "accidentally" slipped into the wrong hole while continuing to hammer me at full speed. I still can't poop or even walk right. FML
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Top comments
warped_executive 16
Practice makes perfect? xD
SuperWhoMarvLock 22
I think lying about it is way worse than owning up to it. It just makes you look stupider than you already look.
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Comments (197)
vikky538 29
I laughed too hard at HIPAA jokes... Your username is awesome...
zaps327 11
I feel like working at a hospital has its perks, but man it has its drawbacks too
DoubleDribble 5
Soon they'll be able to marry the cucumber so the condom won't be needed!
annibo 11
Must have slipped on the peel of the banana he had up his ass earlier.
LetMeSleepPlease 23
True story, I have a habit of going commando in nightgowns and one time I was crouching by my mother's stand where she kept soda on the floor. I slipped and the top bit went up my bum. It didn't get stuck, but if it had, I'd probably be the first person to actually be able to use the excuse.
sturschaedel 27
Nobody would have believed you, and you can't even blame them.
Dick_diamond 22
I still don't believe that's possible..
Ethan5640 17
How would that even happen? Did you lube your sphincter before going in to her room and as you slipped and fell down, did you reach around and stretch your anus open wide to accept the tip of the soda bottle? I'm sure you were like, "Just put the tip in, it's my first time.".
LetMeSleepPlease 23
Nah, I do anal fairly regularly and it just sort of went in there. Not very far, of course, due to the flaring of the bottle.
bunnymunch 4
am I the only one lmao at this?
ally8 21
Was it a Lebanese or continental cucumber?
johnfulcher90 12
crazier things have definitely happened
felicialynnnn 16
HIPAA violations. /:
ImTheAlpha 30
Sup idiot?
Clapdaddy 16
Not really, since no patient information was in the post. The person's family could see this and assume it was someone else.
trey600rr 22
that's how I store my vegetables...says no one ever!