Today, I visited the doctor. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I went to the doctor's. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML
Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML
Today, I went to the ER as I have an ulcer and I was exhibiting signs of a perforation. This is when the gorgeous doctor told me he had to stick his finger up my butt to check for rectal bleeding. FML
Today, I was glued to the toilet all day, gushing fountains of crap, due to my own bad cooking. It got so bad that I ran out of toilet paper and had to desperately jump in the shower and stay there for nearly two hours. I can't even feel my own asshole any more. FML
Today, I had bad diarrhea. I went to the toilet seven times while my cousins came to spend time with me. I spent more time in the toilet than I did with them. Once they'd left, I went to the toilet for what would be the eighth time in a couple of hours. I now can no longer feel my ass. FML
Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML
Today, I have a bad case of diarrhea. The worst part isn’t even sharting in bed while sleeping naked. It’s the severe asshole pain from having to wipe my ass twenty times in twelve hours. FML
Today, after weeks of quarantine, I can finally go to the hospital to get my haemorrhoid surgery, which was confirmed. I have a big internal one. I didn't not consult with the same doctor as before, but he didn't even do a check up inside and told me, "You have nothing, go home." I can't shit. FML
Today, I tried to let out a small fart in a crowded restaurant. I had diarrhea. I walked past several families to get to the bathroom and clean myself up, only to still go home with a huge wet spot down my ass. My shirt wasn't long enough to hide it. FML
Today, I was hit by acute food poisoning while attending a colleague's birthday party at his home. The toilet had a door that wouldn't close all the way, there were only three sheets of toilet paper left, and I had to walk home through town, in a dress, with my soiled underwear in a plastic bag. FML
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Top comments
haloofduty27 12
Sorry man, hope you feel better soon.
Spade606 6
Looks like your not doing anal anytime soon
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Comments (141)
ahti546 11
Lol
haloofduty27 12
Sorry man, hope you feel better soon.
markrs 0
Gotta love chain reactions. Can't wait to hear what the meds did to you.
shanemaximo 7
3 months later: Long story short, my cat died, I never found my car and I have super aids.
melchibr_fml 0
At least it wasnt the other way around.... An infected hemorrhoid gave you diarrhea, which gave you the urge to poison some food.
Jakesterk96 8
And by a "bad sandwich" you mean McDonalds right?
Pixxio_O 11
I hope your asshole feels better soon
kittySplash 0
I agree
trevorr_16 25
Law of Syllogism?
bitchslapped22 14
But I bet the sandwich was delicious.
So2011 4
Maybe the sandwich was from a fast food place like McDonald's. Probably the person who made the sandwich didn't wash their hands.
crazy_whitechick 6
I hate mcdonalds
ShroomsOnAcid 17
That's what I'm thinking, 22. In all my years, I've only twice had food poisoning at home, and it was from food contaminated before it reached my kitchen. Every other time it has been from eating out. After I got it at a reputable restaurant, I stopped going out to eat completely. Now I'm more than happy to prepare all my meals myself and know exactly what's in them and what they've been in contact with.
enopola 5
I cook all my food with wheat grass and hemp too.
mrshaffer 2
I cook all my food with weed!
swimmerstud 7
Sounds like a shitty situation.
olpally 33
^Most over-used pun ever!!! Let the thumbs down begin! Op, that's horrible.. Feel better soon!
swimmerstud 7
No shit Sherlock.
wittygirl 8
Then keep digging Watson!
ShroomsOnAcid 17
I think we need to append the rules of FML with a special section of banned puns.
Swiftly 0
Just gtfo man.
Spade606 6
Looks like your not doing anal anytime soon
bitchslapped22 14
It's a guy. Unless he's gay, I don't think he'll be doing anal anyway.
Spade606 6
Thanks Captain Obvious
ICATiger 13
bitchslapped all the comment I have seen you make suck.
TunechiXXL 0
Oh, you mean anal?
periwinkle95 10
Bitchslapped, you just got bitch slapped.
greg84_fml 21
Been there, done that. It took a month to heal and yes, in that time anal was out of the question. Sucks to be you, sorry.
BruceAllMighty 5
It's at 69 thums up let's keep it like that
RedPillSucks 33
Love in an elevator? Perhaps you're doing it wrong?
mpsteve137 15
It's a song. An awesome song.
Colonel_Lexi 18
You ate one of those gas station sandwiches didn't you?
Mitcha857 0
In the future, eating one of those is a good thing because then you get worms that repair your body and make you stronger.
krad204 21
An egg salad sandwich especially.
angrymexican 8
With black crunchy tomatoes.
bioboy725 10
Totally worth it!
pepelapew 0
What kind of sandwich was it? That sucks! Btw, docbastardo is a loser. :)
iAmScrubs 19
Your description says that you're 39 years old and you "eat, work, party, play, beach it, and laugh." Okay dude.
THE_A_TEEN 28
Ahh, good. This "docbastardo" is obviously a loser. That failure of a spanish brother of DocBastard. Who needs him...
hotPinklipstick 24
You are just fishing for an argument, saying 'docbastardo' sucks literally had nothing to do with this FML or previous comments on this FML. You are 39, act like it instead of the 14 year old kids on here that make stupid comments just so someone will comment back.
TunechiXXL 0
19 - we all know that when we are 39, we wish we could have all those wonderful things...... I believe he's a straight shooter....
DocBastard 40
I seldom get an actual laugh at a comment. This gave me an actual laugh, mostly because the last time Pepelepew tried to troll me, his comment got moderated. I sincerely hope the mods don't moderate this one so everyone can see what an immature idiot this guy is. You're 39 years old, and you're making stupid comments and holding a grudge like a bratty little child. It's really quite pathetic.
Pentium_4 27
70 - when you said "we all know that when we are 39..." i thought you were going to make a step brothers reference because of your pic
missyj0 12
Better have been a ******* amazing sandwich.