Today, I got home only to discover my dog was missing. After spending ages roaming the freezing streets calling his name, I returned to find him stuck behind the couch with my chewed-up new shoes in his muzzle. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my dog chewed through his leash, so I had to take him inside to prevent him from running off. I went to bed. I woke up to torn-up blinds, half-ate sandals, and a very, very anxious cat due to my dog running after her and trying to sniff her butt. FML
Today, my dog ran away. I looked for him for 5 hours, and when I came back home, he was waiting for me at the door. FML
Today, I came home to find that my dog had chewed up my brand new, expensive pair of shoes. I was so angry that I yelled at him and he cowered in fear. But then, as I looked at his sad little face, it dawned on me that I was the one in the wrong for getting so upset over something materialistic. FML
Today, my dog disappeared for an hour. After I'd called her name repeatedly, she crawled out from under my bed, threw up on my feet, and then happily walked out the room. FML
Today, I got home from work and found my dog missing. When I asked my neighbor if she saw what happened, I saw my dog sleeping on her couch. She tried to say it was hers. FML
Today, I found my pet hamster that escaped yesterday, wet and soggy, next to my pet dog. My dog chewed it. FML
Today, I got back from a two-week holiday only to discover my dog missing. After looking for him at animal shelters and putting up missing pet signs, my roommate admitted he lost him in a game of drunk poker. FML
Today, I came home and found a few of my faux fur coats completely butchered. On my way to interrogate my boys, the only ones home, I found our husky dog, who was recently shaved for an operation, covered in the fur that once belonged to my coat. My boys said 'he was cold'. FML
Today, I opened my car door on reaching destination and my dog escaped. I never found him. My destination was the vet's office to get him micro-chipped. FML
Today, I was walking my dog when I tripped on the leash, dropping his treat bag. He snatched one, looked at me, and ran full speed in the opposite direction. I had to chase him for three blocks, yelling his name. He thought it was a new game. FML
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Top comments
shorty6823 28
Probably hiding. I know my dog hides under our recliner and hides stuff she knows she shouldn't have taken, like a shoe.
perdix 31
These are the times that try men's soles!
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Comments (46)
shorty6823 28
Probably hiding. I know my dog hides under our recliner and hides stuff she knows she shouldn't have taken, like a shoe.
MissMess 12
The most annoying thing about this FML is the overuse of 'only to discover'. My English teacher is probably turning in her grave.
shorty6823 28
Just trying to get a top comment?
y012345 5
Why would OP have chewed-up shoes anyway?
shorty6823 28
He shouldn't. Why else would the dog hide the shoes?
Catkam623 27
Well next time take your shoes with you when you chase your imaginary runaway dog
perdix 31
These are the times that try men's soles!
ManInTheMachine 20
But you know what they say: "Time heels all wounds."
beddington 7
In times like its best to just bite your tongue.
poccocurantes 7
I think he is a shoe-in for dog of the year.
Enslaved 38
You guys tied great with those shoe puns. You should all take a bow.(:
poccocurantes 7
They were laced together nicely weren't they?
perdix 31
I can't believe how many puns we shoehorned into this thread. I'll bet tongues are wagging and people are having a fit!
DanielleinDC 34
I'm so getting a kick out of it. If I can't find my cat when I get home, I usually shake her treats bag. That almost always brings her running. It will probably work the same for a dog.
SystemofaBlink41 27
48- if my dog for some reason finds something better than the treats, he'll stick to it and ignore the treats.. Even if you throw the treat at him, he'll gobble it up as fast as he can and bolt back to what he was doing...
ManInTheMachine 20
I always find it amusing when dogs know they're doing something wrong. The fact that he knew to hide from you is hilarious. Don't get too mad at him. It's "nothin' but the dog in him".
Sir_ND_Pity 35
This could have easily been a lot worse if OP lived in a Greek neighborhood and named the dog the Greek word for "penis".
BntyHntrSeattle 30
That's barking mad...
sarah6786 14
What?
MatteKudasai 17
You're Mozart, not Bach.
MatteKudasai 17
God dammit, he's Beethoven. This is why you shouldn't comment at 4am.
perdix 31
#31, there's no Haydn the fact, you obviously can't Handel it.
thepunman 11
That's ruff.
SasaCeceGogo 18
This is one of those lame attempts that end up getting thumbed down.
howdeedoo 22
Really 25? I didn't realize that until you told us....
perdix 31
I have a dog that has a "clubhouse" under a bush in the backyard where she hides the stuff she's stolen. Lots of food wrappers! We like to think of them as innocent, dumb beasts, but there are some clever thieves among the dogs who think to try to hide evidence. Moral of the story: Keep your cash, checkbook and credit cards way out of your dog's reach -- you never know when they will learn to use them.
billyz77 24
First they need pockets.
gc327072 31
You never know when they're gonna go out on the town with some bitches.
poccocurantes 7
Well he's got a new pair if shoes.
perdix 31
If she ever figured it out, I'd expect to come home to a living room packed with raw meat and humping posts. Yeah, I've got a girl dog that humps. Either(ee) she's got gender dysphoria issues or she's just a bitch.
shorty6823 28
My female dog only humps other girls. I think she's got a bit of a lesbian thing going on.
SystemofaBlink41 27
51- I have two dogs and they seem to have gay tendencies as well...
perdix 31
#51, mine only humps my arm. Luckily, not while I sleep . . . as far as I know.
TheMathMajor 26
I have two dogs of the same breed male and female. They are both fixed and they both hump each other. It's more of a dominance thing for dogs than for sexual satisfaction I think.
klutz44 28
My female dog only humps males and won't let them touch her. She is a bitch, but a bitch who isn't going to get pregnant.
thepunman 11
A wild noor has appeared
pieman528 10
Well you should be thankful he wasn't actually lost. As for you, a little warm soup'll do.
RedPillSucks 33
and new shoes...
beddington 7
It's always the last place you look.
MatteKudasai 17
That saying always confuses me. Of course it's in the last place you look, you don't keep looking once you find it!
Brandi_Faith 34
26- Good point! For some reason I never thought of that. Man am I embarrassed!