Today, I set 3 alarms so I wouldn't miss an early morning event I was volunteering at. After I slept through the first one, my roommate turned the other two off without waking me up because they were annoying. I missed the event. FML
Today, I pulled a white cloth with string on the end from my dog's mouth. I then realized I was holding my sister's used tampon. FML
Today, I went to school wearing the same jacket I had gone hiking in the previous day. When I found out that I had left my 2" pocket knife in the pocket I immediately turned it in to the front office. They promptly had me arrested for bringing a weapon on campus. FML
Today, it was the first time I met my girlfriend's parents. It was also the day that I accidentally ripped their shed's door off its hinges. FML
kujiens101 tells us more.
To give a back story, her parents were renting a house for over a year and there was this super sketch shed was in their backyard. They had all been too scared to mess with it because they didn't want to get hurt. My girlfriend always wanted to go inside but didn't have the strength to open the door. So, after I pulled a bit too hard, I ripped the door off. I told her to go tell her parents, so we could fix it. She said to just put the door back where it was and act like nothing happened.
Today, my roommate started packing up for when we move out in August. Thirty boxes later, I realized she's leaving me with only a dishtowel and a skillet while she traipses through Europe for the summer. She even packed the silverware. And the curtains. FML
Today, I had one of my biggest dance shows ever. After months of practice I had finally gotten the lead position. When I entered the stage and raised my arms my straps fell down and I flashed an audience of 5000. FML
Today, after ordering it four weeks ago, I finally got the expensive figurine that I'd been wanting. Also today, my brother jizzed onto it. FML
Today, my mom came in to hug me while I was sleeping, or so I thought. I woke up and tried to hug her back, only to find she had wrapped a tape measure around me. She was trying to measure my bust size to win a bet. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband drinking the breast milk I had bottled for our child. His defense was that it's easy to confuse the container for the normal milk with the one for the breast milk. Can someone please explain to me how a person can confuse a milk carton with a baby bottle? FML
Today, I got a haircut and met up with a friend for lunch. Said friend then burst out laughing, saying my haircut made me look like Professor Snape. FML
Today, a storm dropped a tree across my road. I would have moved it with my tractor, but there was a tree on that too. FML
Today, my friend invited me to an afro-indigenous event. Eager to learn more about my roots, I tagged along. The bean bag toss and warrior dance was fun, until the Q&A came and it was clear that the focus wasn't the African diaspora but "consistent ritualized self-improvement." Yup, it's a cult. FML
Today, while volunteering to feed the homeless, one of them asked me to follow him to his car where he had a knife and bottle so he could "bottle up my blood". FML
Today, my boyfriend admitted that he regularly pees in our vegetable garden "to give the plants nitrates". FML
Today, I decided to clean the whole house as a surprise for my mother. When she came home, she screamed at me and called me a bitch because she had wanted to clean it herself. FML
Today, my dad came to take pictures of me at my track meet. When looking back at the photos, I noticed most of them were zoomed in shots of the girls' butts in their spandex. FML
Today, I tripped over my own feet and dislocated my kneecap. FML
dramaelf tells us more.
dramaelf 37
Hello everyone! I'm thrilled to know I've entertained strangers on the internet! This took place last July, actually. As for how I did this, I'm just incredibly clumsy and landed on my left knee at just the wrong angle. To make matters worse, I was on vacation in Williamsburg VA and it was 110 degrees every day, and I had to walk everywhere with an black foam knee immobilizer that went from my ankle to my thigh. My proudest moment was when an 80 year old man had to help me down the stairs. My physical therapy paid off, and I'm back to normal, though apparently I'm a bit knock-kneed and need to be more careful. Thanks for all the good wishes!
Today, I was taking my 3 month-old nephew for a walk in his stroller, when a lady stopped me to coo over him. Then she patted my stomach and said, "Don't worry, you'll lose the baby weight soon." I've never had a baby. FML
Today, my husband put "sexual favors" on the memo line for my contractor's check. His wife saw it and he had to quit mid-job. I'm stuck with a half-finished house and my husband thinks it's funny. FML
Today, after extensively researching how to properly use in text citations out of fear of my professor reporting me for citing my quotes incorrectly. She reported me instead for forgetting quotation marks on three of my proudly and properly cited quotes. FML
Today, I fractured a bone in my foot by dropping a shampoo bottle on it. FML
Today, I was so nervous about a medical exam I was about to take, that I misspelled my own first name. It only has three letters. FML
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