Today, my father contacted me for the first time in close to 2 months. The first thing he did was ask if I wanted to buy some weed. FML
Today, it took me longer than it should have with a bit of calculations to remember how old I am. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My friends don't believe me since they "didn't get a Facebook notification." FML
Today, I decided to pull a prank on my girlfriend by hiding in the closet and scaring her when she came home. I got in and closed the closet doors, only to realize I couldn't open them from the inside. She just texted me to say she covered for a friend and won't be home for 6 more hours. FML
senordonkeydildo tells us more.
Wow! I can't believe this got posted so fast. I only posted it like 3 days ago. Let me just inform you all that I made it out, SAFE and with UNBROKEN doors. I texted a buddy of mine and he came and got me out, but not before making me listen to him tell me a plethora of gay jokes. It was worth it though because after I came out of the closet (ha ha) we had some beers and played video games for a few hours. And to answer some peoples' concerns, my girlfriend and I prank each other a lot. She pranks me more often than I prank her. Or she tries. I go for stelth and try to wait and do something when she thinks I've forgotten about or war or when least expects it. Obviously I peaked myself this time, but just wait. :)
Today, after winning the first set for school tennis championship, the losing side refused to shake hands with my team. We ended up getting disqualified from the championship by the referee for bad conduct, even though it wasn't our fault. We told the referee what happened, and he said, "Suck it up." FML
Today, my new roommate moved in. One of the first conversations we had began with her asking where I wanted her to put my menstrual cup, which I had absentmindedly left in the bathroom sink. FML
attak_fml tells us more.
Hey guys! OP here. First of all: yay, one of my submissions finally made it! So, to clear some things up: 1. The fml is obviously about me being embarrassed to death that this happened. I wanted to make a good first impression and I was so nervous and I forgot to put the cup away. It's defiantly not about me thinking she made an unreasonable request or anything. 2. The cup was emptied and thoroughly cleaned. I had left it on the edge of the sink to dry off before putting it away and I accidentally forgot about it. She saw that and was fine with touching it, so it wasn't really something disgusting, just a very, very unfortunate thing to happen on our very first day of living together. 3. This happened a while ago, and neither I or my roomie think it's a big deal. We're both fine with, you know, women occasionally not covering up all evidence of having their period once in a while. It was just incredibly embarrassing and awkward when it happened, but now we're all good! :) Cheers!
Today, while eating in a Mexican restaurant, I asked the waitperson how the drink my husband ordered was pronounced in Spanish. She replied, "Vodka Martini." FML
Exaspera tells us more.
Exaspera 55
OP here. What a surprise, my first published FML! Being a Mexican restaurant, all of the employees there were Mexican. I try to keep up on my Spanish and wanted to know the translation. This one turned out to be rather easy to remember. Cheers!
Today, while standing in line to get my driver's license renewed, I hiccuped and burped at the same time. I was so flustered that I ended up telling an entire room full of people that I had the 'herps'. FML
Today, my daughter found a hair baked into the crust of her pizza. Grossed out, she put it down the garbage disposal, but I told her to dig it out so we could get a refund. After dinner, she came looking for the saved pizza crust. I was baffled about where it was until I realized I'd eaten it. FML
Today, I can now identify which of my four roommates is using the washroom, based on their grunts. I just love having a bedroom beside the bathroom. FML
Today, I tried canceling my internet service. The lady on the phone had me on hold for half an hour when, all of a sudden, the call dropped. When I tried phoning back, I was informed that they closed half an hour earlier. FML
jellythecutie tells us more.
Hey guys OP here and FINALLY got an fml published! Phoned them again yesterday at a more appropriate time and they just told me due to high emergency volume to phone tomorrow (as in today). If they don't cancel it today, I will go ape shit as they're still billing me :) thanks everyone!
Today, I found out that when I drink alcohol, I snore so bad my boyfriend contemplated suffocating me with a pillow to get some sleep. FML
Today, my parents gave me a letter they'd forgotten about since late last year. In it was a $30,000 scholarship to a local master's program with an application due date of two weeks ago. FML
Today, the maid left a bottle of Febreze in my hotel room. Think she is trying to tell me something? FML
Today, I was walking down my road in the hill-country of Texas, when I spotted something shiny buried in the dirt. Thinking it could be something interesting, I picked it up, and, after turning it over numerous times in my hand, realized that it was, in fact, an old silver bullet vibrator. FML
Today, my husband refuses to stop answering my phone calls with, "Haaaaail Satan!" FML
Today, I was playing basketball, and while trying to jump and shoot, I farted on the face of the person behind me. FML
Today, I found out my parents never naturalized me. I'm adopted from a country I've never been to, and now I could be deported there. FML
William Sever tells us more.
To clarify, I was born in a foreign country and adopted at less than a month old. My parents are both US citizens. I was never naturalized.
Today, my roommates sat me down and said we need to have a serious chat. I was worried, until they asked me if I could quit my new night job. When I asked why, they said it was because I wasn't home anymore to cook them dinner. FML
Today, my mother-in-law texted to wish me a happy birthday. She spelled my name wrong and it's not my birthday. FML
Today, I overheard my parents arguing over who had to tell me that I'm adopted. FML
Today, while moving my wax burner away from the window, I spilled hot wax all over my hands, the wall, and in my electric fireplace. FML
Today, the maintenance man for my building fixed my leaky sink. As he headed out the door, I said, "Thanks, Gus!" He turned around and said matter-of-factly, "My name is Eli." I've been addressing him as "Gus" for the past year and a half. FML
Today, someone in Fedex typo'd "KZ" for "NZ" and sent our fencing weapons to Kazakhstan. FML
Today, my hockey gear is in Jacksonville, Florida. Too bad my game in three hours is in Dallas, Texas. FML
EvanB60 tells us more.
Today, to treat the family, I cooked something nice in appreciation for sticking it out over the past few tough months. Unfortunately, I chose this one day to not wear my oven mitts when carrying the food to the table, spilling the food all over the carpeted floor. FML
Today, I broke my key unlocking my dorm room. When I pushed the door open in frustration, the door opened with no problem. Turns out it was unlocked. FML
Today, my apartment was robbed. The police report said my apartment was ransacked. No it wasn't, that's how it looks every day. FML
Today, I'm living in a house share with a passive-aggressive middle-aged couple who leave rude notes around the house and yet pretend I don't exist when they happen to be in the same room as me. I'm in no position to get rid of them or move myself. FML
Today, the framed memorabilia that I spent $195 on last week came crashing to the floor. It was on my wall for less than 2 hours. The picture is torn and the glass is shattered, but at least the frame is alright. FML
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