Today, I found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. The problem is that I don't know how to tell my wife... Who is also pregnant. FML
Today, the boy I like, came to my house with a dozen roses to ask me to homecoming. My uncle chased him down the street with a pitchfork. FML
Today, I got curious and decided to look for my ex's social media after he blocked me off everything. I found him on LinkedIn and it is only after I click on his profile that I remembered, he will be notified that I looked him up. FML
Today, I was being playful with my boyfriend and put a chocolate between my legs. He bit the chocolate. My lips too... FML
Today, for the first time in more than two years, a guy asked me out. Too bad he lives halfway around the world. FML
Today, I found out that my parents have thought I'm lesbian for at least a year. I now understand why my dad has been trying to get me to "hang out" with his co-worker's daughter. FML
Today, I was talking to my fiancé on the phone. I said, "Alright, see you in 10 minutes babe." My boss must have thought I was talking to him because he said, "Alright (my name), see you later." FML
Today, my husband rolled over in his sleep, cuddled up to me, and lovingly whispered “I love you Pizza Hut...” FML
Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn't for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she's been cheating on me with. FML
Today, I found my best friend's girlfriend on a webcam site. I then told him, and his only response was, "Yeah, I know, that's where we met." FML
Today, I called my husband and asked him what he wanted from our favorite fast food place. A divorce. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that when I orgasm, I sound like I'm choking. Only I'm not choking, I'm just getting the wind knocked out of me by his weight when he is on top. FML
Today, my wife stopped mid blowjob because it tasted too clean, like my mint shower gel. FML
Today, my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for almost a year. I finally have a good chance to get pregnant this month, and I'm ovulating today for the first time in 3 months. My husband has the flu, he's highly contagious for the next 24 hours, and has been asleep since I got home from work. FML
Today, I found out that my landlord is sleeping with my girlfriend, and he won’t let me out of my lease. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she'd support my decision to stay in, or get out of the military, so I renewed my contract...... She broke up with me for it. FML
Today, I flew cross-country to see my girlfriend of three years. Once I got there, she broke up with me. I was supposed to be staying for a month and now I have nowhere to go. FML
Today, I was walking into my school and I saw two girls kissing. Being a lesbian myself, and thinking it would be cute, I winked at them. I guess one of them had a history of cheating with a girl who looked just like me, because her girlfriend came up and punched me in the face. FML
Today, I finally got the guts to ask out my crush. She said yes and I was really happy. Then I woke up. FML
Today, I finally made a move on the guy I've been crushing on for years… by getting so drunk that I puked in his lap. FML
Today, I had sex with my wife, only to be told that the sex was horrible, and to be given divorce papers. FML
Today, I came home from an eight month deployment to find my wife four months into her pregnancy. She actually thinks that I believe it's mine. FML
Today, I decided to treat my girlfriend by eating her out. After a while I thought she was going to cum, but instead she farted in my mouth. FML
Today, my girlfriend planned our day, she wanted to play FIFA before having sex. I won 11-0. She stormed out of the room, went home and isn't picking my calls / texting back. It's been 12 hours. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend, who is buying me a ring for my birthday, is buying my best friend a ring that cost 10 times more than mine. FML
Today, my boyfriend of five years finally gave me a ring. Oh no, not an engagement ring. He gave me a ring "to apologize for sleeping with his married coworker." FML
Today, for the first time in months, my best friend agreed to hang out with me. After waiting, three hours for him to show up, I called to see what was taking him so long. He told me he couldn't come because he needed to get a haircut. FML
Today, I fell for a guy after three years of being celibate, after he showed all the signs of being into me. It turns out that he likes my best friend, who is dating another guy I liked, and was just using me to compensate for her unavailability. I guess I am really a walking, talking example of Murphy's law. FML
Today, my friend sent me a link to a porn video. The guy in it was my boyfriend, the girl in it wasn't me, but they were in my bed. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend texted me, saying, "I love you." Stupidly, I was very excited and replied, "At last! I still love you", to which he replied, "wrong number sorry, I don't love you." FML
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