Today, I talked to my husband about leaving his parents' house. He said, and I quote, ''No. I don't want the responsibility of paying bills.'' FML
Today, it's the first day of our honeymoon. My bride just informed me that she invited her ex-husband to come, so he can spend time with the kids. He will be here in 4 hours. FML
Today, my boyfriend gently pointed out that when we hug, it's our stomachs that touch first. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I broke the news to my parents that we're having a baby. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "It's probably not yours." FML
Today, I set up a date between my roommate, who I'm in love with, and his crush, who I'm jealous of. FML
Today, my girlfriend filmed a video about violence in sexual relationships for a class. I expected a monologue kind of thing. She then told me it was an example video of an encounter with a male classmate. She showed me. It’s pretty much porn. FML
Today, my fiancé won't tell people we're engaged because his mother doesn't approve, and he doesn't want to upset her. FML
Today, after finally asking my crush for his number, and telling him the reason being he's the only friend whose number I don't have, he laughed, then asked, "Why would I ever be your friend?" FML
Today, my boyfriend and my sugar daddy found about each other. FML
Today, the most exciting notification I received was Amazon telling me that my bulk order of toilet paper had been shipped. FML
Today, I was invited to an engagement. My crush is getting engaged next month to a man she told me she hated. FML
Today, I just got back from a party, where I spent most of the night comforting the girl I like. Why? Because the guy she likes was being grinded on by another girl. FML
Today, I’ve discovered that even if he brushes his teeth for 10 minutes straight, flosses, and rinses with mouthwash, my boyfriend’s breath still smells like a cross between sewage and rotting fish. I’m running out of excuses for not kissing him. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that eventually I want to get my ears pinned back because I think that they stick out too much. I pulled my hair back to show him, and he said, "Yeah, they're different sizes too, and the left one sticks out more than the right one." FML
Today, my mom complained that I never do anything nice for her, so while out shopping I bought her favorite chocolate bar. When I got home, she screamed at me because she’s on a diet. FML
Today, I went on a Tinder date. Sort of. I got ready and went to the bar he'd chosen. I waited 15 minutes for him to show. We exchanged ”Hellos,” then he said he was going to grab a drink and walked off. He didn’t come back. Damn, was it the way I said, “Hello”? FML
Today, I discovered that pictures really make a person look more attractive than they really are. Besides the downgrade in attraction, we got to spend the next two hours playing an awkward game of 20 questions. This from a guy that wanted nudes right away. So much for online charm. FML
Today, I tried keeping a surprise secret from my fiance. Turns out, under the influence of my sleeping tablets, which after I take them, I forget everything I've said, I spilled the beans. So much for the surprise. FML
Today, while making plans with my boyfriend, I told him we could have lunch after my appointment with the gynecologist. He started screaming, cussing and calling me a whore. According to him, women only go to the gyno if they have an STD, which I must’ve gotten from cheating. He’s an idiot. FML
Today, my boyfriend left me after I'd been supporting him for 9 months while he "finds himself." Why? Because I wanted to go grocery shopping instead of him eating out every day with my money. FML
Today, I finally felt comfortable enough to fart in front of my boyfriend for the first time. He went quiet, got up and left in his car. I haven't heard from him in 4 hours. FML
Today, I was in yoga class. We were in downward-facing dog pose, and the male instructor stood behind me and gave me an assist/adjustment by pulling upward on my hips. As I left the class, I realized that was the most intimate touch I've ever received from a man. I'm a 25-year-old straight woman. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in front of about 75 people in the fanciest restaurant in town. She told me she was already engaged, while holding up her right hand. FML
Today, I went out with my ex-girlfriend, with whom I have a good friendship with and am in fact still in love. I picked her up at her house and we had a perfect night together that ended with sex in my car. As I dropped her off, she turned to me and said, "I hope you know we're just friends." FML
Today, I find myself in an unfortunate situation. I met my girlfriend's family and it turns out she's the baby of the family with 7 older brothers, a dad and a granddad, and 6 uncles. That’s 15 very large, very overprotective men I’m sure all want me dead. FML
Today, I went on a Tinder date with a guy who said, "Good girl" whenever I said anything that he agreed with. FML
Today, my pasty white boyfriend told me he intended to try and grow dreadlocks. FML
Today, someone informed me that my new boyfriend's tattoo is really an old Nazi symbol and not just a poorly-drawn skull. Now I'm trying to figure out how to ask him whether he's a neo-Nazi or not. Why am I so nervous? I'm Jewish, he just hasn't heard my last name yet. FML
Today, my boyfriend bought me an engagement ring. It turned out to be the wrong size and we had to return it, since the store said it couldn't be re-sized. As we headed home, I felt guilty, so I turned to him and apologized. His response? "It's OK honey, I didn't really want to marry you that much anyway." FML
Today, the girl that I had a crush on for over a year, from whom I recently moved on from, told me that she likes me. I’m dating a new girl. FML
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