Today, my brother threw a mug at my head and threatened to stab anybody who came at him because I woke him up for school. I called the police after threats were thrown at my mom, who then lied to them and said I overreacted. I'm currently getting the silent treatment from my family. FML
Today, I realized how bad my grey hair problem has gotten as I noticed I had grey pubes. I'm only 23. FML
Today, I took a big, smelly, satisfying dump when I woke up. When I tried to flush, nothing happened. None of my four roommates bothered to tell me we didn’t have running water. FML
Today, I brought my boyfriend over to meet my parents. They prepared dinner for us - mushroom pasta. I have always hated mushrooms, so I spent the entire dinner trying not to gag. Unfortunately, I did gag and my mom got up and smacked me so hard I fell out of my chair. FML
Today, my ex-wife, who I have a 1000-yard restraining order against since she threatened my new wife and our kids, moved into a house down the street. The police say they can't do anything because her house is more than 1000 yards from mine. It's 1012 yards away. FML
Today, a few years after getting mugged inspired me to start hitting the gym and taking karate classes, I was mugged again, this time in front of my girlfriend who I actually met at the gym. I was knocked out with one punch. It was the same mugger with the same neck tattoo. FML
Today, while dreaming, I was thirsty and grabbed a glass of water to drink. The taste was so horrible that it caused me to wake up and realize I was drinking the isopropyl alcohol I keep on my nightstand for my CPAP machine. All Poison Control had to say was, "Uh oh." FML
emeraldapostle tells us more.
Hey all, OP here. I'm fine, and Poison Control helped me out after saying, "uh oh." Now I keep my isopropyl somewhere besides my nightstand
Today, I was helping this girl to the nurse’s office because she was so sick that she could barely walk. About halfway there, she stopped and vomited on me. My jaw was dropped in shock when she threw up on me again. A little went into my mouth. FML
Today, I developed a roll of film I'd had sitting around for years. It was all images my ex had taken of him scrubbing his ass and toilet with my electric toothbrush, which I'd used for at least a month after our breakup. FML
Today, my youngest son's teacher surprised me with a box of diapers. Apparently my son told her I was pregnant, but I'm not. I had to explain to her I'm just fat. She apologized and felt awful, and told me to keep the diapers. My children are 5 and 7. FML
Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having 6 gangrenous toes amputated because he hasn't been treating his diabetes properly. Not half an hour after he got home, I caught him sneaking sweets from a hiding place in his toolbox. He's already lost the bag with his medication in it. Again. FML
Today, I got a few splinters at work. In the middle of trying to remove them, my coworkers noticed and decided to "help". Ten minutes later, the splinters are gone and so is the random mole on my palm I've had my whole life. My hand hurts. FML
Roroma tells us more.
Roroma 6
Hey OP here it’s my FML but it won’t let me log into my account so I’m using this old one. My hand was a little infected but it’s all healed now so now worries. The mole’s gone af though...
Today, my mum put up a sticky fly trap to try get rid of our fly problem. My phone started ringing and I jogged to answer it, but my hair got stuck in the trap. My mum had to pull my hair out of the sticky mess and pick dead fly bodies out of my hair. FML
Today, I went on a blind date with a guy at a seafood restaurant. I explained to him that I am deathly allergic to shrimp. When the waiter took my order, he interrupted me and said, “She’ll have the shrimp," while looking me dead in the eye. FML
Today, my daughter told me her tummy hurt, but I assumed she was lying because she hates visiting grandma. About 20 minutes into the car ride, she got excited and said, "Mum my tummy doesn’t hurt anymore!" About 10 seconds later, the smell filled the car right up to the roof. It was diarrhoea. FML
Today, I took my date home for sex after quite a long dry spell. As he took off his shoes, I was hit right in the nose by the most disgusting foot odour I've ever encountered. It was so bad I forgot all about sex and threw him out. That was 3 hours ago and I can still smell it on the carpet. FML
Today, at over 9 months pregnant, I woke up to a wet bed. Convinced my water broke, I woke up my husband and had him drive me to the hospital at 3am. The nurse told me my water was fine, I had just peed the bed. FML
Today, I had to get a urine analysis done for my doctor. I take medicine that makes me a little shaky sometimes. Guess who spilled their pee all over themselves while trying to put the lid on. FML
Today, I reached out to an old friend to ask how his battle with cancer is going. He responded by asking for boob pics. FML
Today, I asked my niece to house-sit because she acts very mature and sensible while her brother is an idle slob. Turns out the idle slob nephew is the mature one while the sensible niece actually likes to throw house parties. I found a used condom stuck to my ceiling. FML
Today, my cat peed on the kitchen floor. As I went to get the mop, I slipped on the puddle not once, not twice, but three times. In quick succession. FML
Today, my mom decided to let my sandwich spoil instead of refrigerating it. I spent half an hour vomiting and my mom thinks it's funny. FML
stillnothingpersonalmate tells us more.
Hello all, I only mashed the keyboard for the password on my old account and have now made this. Anyway, I may have left something out here: this was not my sandwich and I'd crashed out and can't refridgerate it. As I was going to get my own food, my mom told me don't bother, I will get you a sandwich. How nice! I crashed instead. But I did not know that she wanted to leave the house so badly she just left it out at room temp without telling me. Even if I am at fault for not asking her to wake up, I still don't appreciate her thinking all this is funny.
Today, I popped a zit that had formed around an ingrown hair "down there". It popped with so much force, the pus hit me in the forehead. Still can't get the hair out. FML
Today, after a long shift, I came home and cleaned my house so I could relax tomorrow. I finished up the night with a soothing bubble bath, which was lovely until the ceiling collapsed into the tub. I can't even wash the filth off because my bath is full of drain-clogging plaster. FML
Today, my dentist told me I had a good tongue. That's the best compliment I've gotten in months. FML
Today, my dad threw out all my food because a fly landed on a loaf of bread still in its package. He claims the bread and everything else that touched it is "contaminated". That was all the food I had for the rest of the month. FML
Today, I woke up from celebrating my 29th birthday. I guess it's true that tolerance drops quickly as you age, because I stayed in and only drank a few beers with my husband and spent the entire day retching so hard I puked up blood. My partying days are definitely over. FML
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