Today, my dog found out how to turn my Xbox off. So whenever he wants attention, guess what he does. FML
Today, I was called by the counselor to discuss my "issues". She told me that other students had reported to her that they saw scars on my arms. I don't cut, I just have a hormonal and aggressive parrot who sees me as his personal tree. FML
Today, I finally got proof of my theory when the dog came downstairs at 2 in the morning, looked me dead in the eye, pissed on the rug and took my socks before disappearing back upstairs. FML
Today, I went outside at 9am in my boxer shorts to get my mail in my garden. I'd put a shoe in the door to keep the door jammed open, but when I ran back, my dog had the shoe in his mouth and all the doors and windows were closed. FML
Naughty boy
Today, marks the third week since my sister's guinea pig learned to masturbate. He humps his wheel and makes squeaking noises for five minutes, then rolls over on his side and pants heavily. He does it at least twice a night while I'm trying to sleep. FML
Today, my dog has found a new game he likes. It involves him rolling around on my new bed sheets to build up static electricity and run and poke me with his nose so I get shocked. FML
Today, I spotted a huge spider in my bedroom. I freaked out at first, but I managed to confront my arachnophobia and killed it with a book. I was ecstatic and went to tell my boyfriend. By the time I returned to my room, the "dead" spider had vanished. Now I'm too scared to sleep. FML
Today, my dad thought it would be funny to wake me up by sprinkling catnip over me then dropping my cat on top of me. FML
Today, my new neighbors moved in. They have a chihuahua that constantly barks all throughout the day. It makes a great addition to my other neighbors that have a rooster that goes off at sunrise every morning. FML
WeiXinLun tells us more.
WeiXinLun 16
OP here! this actual happened a while ago, but the principle is still the same. the neighbors with the chihuahua, they occasionally yell at the dog to shut up. for the most part, they do nothing. it's not too loud to legally make a noise complaint, but loud enough to be an awful annoyance. as for the ones with the rooster, they don't even speak English. they're from Hong Kong, so they only speak Cantonese, which i don't speak. and i live in the middle of suburbia, so the rooster is very illegal. a 1000$ fine, i believe, if reported. the rooster usually gets really loud around 10, so it sometimes wakes me up, sometimes not. the chihuahua is pretty much 24/7. any more suggestions are more than welcome though, thanks!
Today, my mother gave me a Christmas present for the first time in 15 years: a dog. Her 16-year-old, untrained, mean dog who wears diapers. FML
Eri_Midori tells us more.
Hi guys, Op here! Wasn't expecting this to get posted so that's a pretty nice side to my situation :D I enjoyed reading you guy's comments, and to some of you trying to defend the dog (Peanut) you have nothing to fear. I have been put in a position where I had to take care of Peanut every now and then, but only for a day or two while my mother was feeling un-responsible. So I know for sure that Peanut really is a handful. I mean, she needs attention 24/7, has to have her diaper changed (which is really gross!) at least 5 times a day, bites most people who try to touch her, smells pretty bad no matter how many baths I give her, and enjoys spreading her scent all over my apartment! I understand that Peanut is nearing her end in the next year or two, plus I feel bad that she hasn't had a stable home all her life which explains her bad behavior. I've also been a vegetarian since I was 6, and was the president of my high school's Animal Rights Club back in the day, so I don't plan on getting rid of Peanut or ending her life early. The reason why my mother "gave me" peanut is because she is going through her mid life crisis and wants to travel the world without any obligations, like an elderly dog she adopted a year ago. My mother has always been flaky and unable to keep her word, and I'd normally understand since she really has nothing to lose. She isn't married (divorced my father when I was in 1st grade), hates her job, plus both me and my brother have already moved out and graduated from college. I know she didn't dump Peanut on my brother since he couldn't care less about the life of an animal, I just wished she could have tried to find someone else (or not have used Peanut as a lousy excuse of a Christmas gift since she knows I've conversed to Agnosticism) judging my current conditions. At this moment I recently got married to my Japanese hubby originally from Osaka Japan. I work as a language teacher which is quite flexible location wise, plus me and my husband are both still in our early 20's, so we were hoping to travel a lot and even move to Japan as soon as possible. However it's very hard to get a large pet like Peanut from America to Japan so that may be impossible. Not to mention my husband is slightly allergic to animals that shed! To top it all off we also have a non-shedding, dog hating cat in our apartment building that just so happens to NOT ALLOW DOGS. With all this in mind I don't really understand why my mother chose me as her new doggie's mama. I talked to my husband who knows how "nutty" my mother can be and he was completely understanding. He apparently spoke with our landlord this afternoon who is also a very nice man and agreed we can keep Peanut for now, as long as she doesn't bark or disturb our neighbors. We also looked up that if we keep giving Peanut plenty of baths then her fur shouldn't bother my husband too much, after all she needs it too. Yuck! As for our cat, she's still young. So she just needs to learn to play nice with Peanut for a little while. Then maybe we'll get another cat after Peanut passes on to even things out a bit. For now we've got things all settled, it's just a little upsetting since I've been working so hard these past couple of years learning Japanese so that I could eventually move there with my husband, and now that we're finally ready to go it's not too great having an obstacle keeping us from going for now. We'll go as soon as we can though =) Sorry for this super long comment, and thanks for all of your advice! Happy holidays! -Eri
Today, I pretended to cry in front of my cat because she doesn't cuddle with me anymore. Yeah, I tried to guilt-trip my cat into loving me. FML
Today, I thought it would be to a good idea to introduce my indoor cat to my dog. The pee stains, multiple scratches, and puncture wounds to my face prove otherwise. FML
Today, I was woken up to the sound of my cat peeing on the pillow next to mine. When I yelled at him, he jumped over my face and off the bed. He was still peeing the entire time. FML
Today, I was playing with my dog, when she started sniffing my face. Jokingly, I got up and started to sniff her face back and asked "Yeah, how do you like that?" She replied by biting into my face. FML
Today, my dog played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML
Today, I took my cat to the vet's. When the vet took her temperature anally, I couldn't stop laughing. The vet had to ask me to leave the room. FML
FreeChocolate tells us more.
I didn't expect to be published! By the way, the cat is the one in my photo. To be fair, the vet asked me if I would like to leave while he did it and I accepted. This was also due to the fact that the cat kept trying to climb into my hood because I'm familiar to her. It was just a routine checkup, she was perfectly fine. I don't blame you for thinking I deserved it, I don't deny it was cruel of me to laugh at her. But she just made the most surprised and indignant face and she was running away from him. She actually did hop off the table and try to escape!
Today, my husband learned that if he asks me a question while I am dead asleep my answer will most likely be "Yes". Incidentally, I now have a new cat. FML
eer004 tells us more.
eer004 8
I am really surprised this made it through. on the bright side we had been discussing getting a cat for our daughter. I just expected to let her pick it out, not to wake up to a knew kitten in my bed
Today, my friend's dog got hit by a car. I was the only one not in shock, and had to drag the poor thing off the road, then comfort a hysterical friend while the driver verbally abused us and demanded we pay for the repairs to his car. FML
falconjade tells us more.
falconjade 19
OP here! The dog got out when the old man who rents out a room in my friends house - though he'd been repeatedly warned not to - let the dog out. The dogs not very well-trained and does not come when you call him, which is why we keep him inside except for when he goes on walks, on a leash. We had all been getting ready for our schools semi formal so we ran out into the cold in bare feet and dresses while we tried to make sure the dog didn't run away. He was running back towards our friends house when the car hit him. My friend lives beside a public school so the dog was hit in a school crossing zone, so there was no reason for the driver to be going fast enough to not be able to hit the brakes in time, but evidently he was. Fortunately the dog is a massive German Shepard. When he got hit, there was a terrifying bang followed by horrid whimpering. We all thought he was going to die. I'm trained in first aid and checked for injuries on the dogs body, and he seemed fine, except for a scrape on his eyebrow, so I took him back to the house. The bumper of the car was knocked clean off and it seems the dog has a concussion but he will live, but the driver keeps showing up to my friends house, who can't afford a vet bill, let alone the repairs cost.
Today, my kittens hunted and killed their first prey. My hamster. FML
Today, I received an unexpected package from my mother. It contained my cat's ashes. Apparently he died 3 weeks ago and she thought this was the best way to tell me. FML
Doggy dog world
Today, after being convinced that my cat had worms due to eating so much food and still looking really skinny, I found out that my neighbor secretly lets his dog in through my pet door while I'm at work. FML
Today, with my name sounding vaguely like 'Turkey' and being in the phonebook for business purposes, people keep calling, offering to stuff me for Thanksgiving. FML
Today, I was taking some clean bedsheets down from the top of the wardrobe. As I pulled the top sheet down, a cat jumped onto my face, claws and all, before falling to the floor and running away. Thing is, I don't own a cat and I have no idea where in the house it has hidden now. FML
Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML
Occam's razor
Today, my girlfriend tried explaining a duck flying into our living room and taking a shit everywhere as "paranormal activity". FML
Today, my cat has figured out that while I'm good at sleeping through her nagging in the early morning hours, I will unfailingly wake up for my baby. FML
kittyboo_is_me tells us more.
No need to get rid of the cat, she's good to both my baby and my older son and I have absolutely no fears regarding her and the kids. I still have no clue how she does what she does, I assume she either meows in their room long enough to wake up the baby or she paws him through the rails of the crib until he wakes up. She has food available at all times, so that's not an issue (and she's really thin btw). Pretty sure she just wants to go outside to do whatever it is cats do at night (roam, hunt, interact). I might have to try the dark room suggestion though, thanks for reminding me - it was the only thing that got her to stop peeing all over the house. That or throwing her out of the house at night altogether, nevermind the cold. Sleep is precious, especially with a baby in the house.
Bad omen
Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have our first kiss with each other, but my dog decided to let one rip, stinking up the whole room. My boyfriend still doesn't believe it was my dog who did it. FML
My precious baby
Today, she did it again. While I was minding my own business reading the paper, she casually walked up to me and slashed my face with her nails, drawing blood and screams of pain. I need to get out of this abusive relationship, but no one will adopt my asshole of a cat. FML