Today, marks the third week since my sister's guinea pig learned to masturbate. He humps his wheel and makes squeaking noises for five minutes, then rolls over on his side and pants heavily. He does it at least twice a night while I'm trying to sleep. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found out that the squeaking I've heard for the past three months, that I thought was my guinea pig, is actually my girlfriend cheating on me with my older brother. FML
Today, I found out that my beloved guinea pig has impaction. For the rest of his life it will be my duty to clean out his rectum manually every month, or every week/day if it gets worse. FML
Today, I was playing video games at 2am. My guinea pig started squealing at me, and wouldn't stop until I turned out the lights and got into bed. I'm 20 years old, and I've let a rodent dictate my bedtime. FML
Today, while watching my guinea pigs have sex, I got jealous. Yeah. It's been that long. FML
Today, my girlfriend started making pig noises during sex. FML
Today, my girlfriend's guinea pig managed to go down her shirt. I have been dating her for 3 weeks and I haven't even kissed her yet. FML
Today, I bought my sister a bunny and all it does is try to bang my cat, and shit and piss in my room to mark its territory. FML
Today, my little sister was in charge of doing the vacuuming, when she decided our hamster had "dust on his back". FML
Today, my daughter's guinea pig got stuck behind the wardrobe, squeaking its head off. I tried pulling the wardrobe towards me to free him, but couldn't take the weight of it all, so it fell over, smashing the TV. The guinea pig is fine. FML
Today, I agreed to buy my girlfriend a piggle for Christmas. The pig is miniature. The noise it makes is not. Oh, and I just found out it's not living with her, but with me. FML
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Top comments
Alexis2742 31
It probably learned from you
1911 3
gotta love evolution!!
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Comments (93)
sirsquab 12
What.
Alexis2742 31
It probably learned from you
thejewishfuhrer 17
guinea pig see, guinea pig do.
zandalee 20
God it sounds like what I hear coming from my teenage sons bedroom most nights! I have learnt to whistle quite well now...
HKCgrimmjow 15
Thanks for sharing.. We all love to know your son squeaks while masturbating
levention 18
indeed
BillMurray_fml 12
At least the little guy doesn't last long!
Redoxx_fml 22
Atleast it wasn't a groundhog, ey Bill Murray?
BillMurray_fml 12
Redoxx, let's not go there...those were dark days. Dark days, indeed.
negb 30
Exactly! The guinea pig probably thinks "FML" too when you're rubbing one out at night.
swaggalikethat 22
@62 That's what she said…
speakersboom 19
ya don't say???
MajicSenpai 12
Yes, I'm sure OP humps a large hamster wheel.
1911 3
gotta love evolution!!
junkman6 22
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
So does that mean since the guinea pig is using the wheel to whackit that in a few million years guinea pigs will actually use rolling as locomotion? Cuz if that's the case I want cryogenics NOW so I can be frozen until that happens. Also does this mean that Kleenex are next up on the "attaining sentience" list?
JocelynKaulitz 28
^^ Both sound incredibly irrelevant.
junkman6 22
I was just trying to have some fun with the random evolution comment. I should know better though, making fun of evolution around atheists is just as bad as making fun of Jesus around Catholics.
gracehi 33
Well, technically, learning something doesn't count as evolution. I didn't become genetically altered when I figured out how to ya ya my sisterhood... Or DID I??? O.O
zoegirl_455 30
And if you look over here folks you can see #44, someone who cannot take a joke
Kibaruto 33
You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals
stephhrunsaway 21
My bird masturbates, too. He's a cockatiel. Not even joking.
speakersboom 19
so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel.
warriorkitty_ 10
This gives me images of my cat masturbrating.....Urgh,the horror.
euphoricness 28
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
This gave me images if that pork roast I made masturbating, ohhhh yah that's right
Darksoul09 16
its people like you that make me weep for society..
warriorkitty_ 10
Let me explain my thoughts. I always had cats in my life and I had 17 cats for some years. So yes,since this fml involves pets masturbrating ,I immediately thought of my cats. :/ It didnt come off weird to me at the time of writing. Excuse me sir but seriously? "weeping for society" over this?woah drama queen much?
FangirlingAlways 14
Now-a-days people should weel for society. Girls are pregnant at 16, 12 year olds dress like *****, and politeness is so alien to some people it is considered flirting.
skatergal99 17
Oh man that's friggin hillarious!
StiffPvtParts 43
Awww n_n
OhzTP 7
I really dont like yours.
xxBFMVAAMIWxx 18
Anyone else reminded of Due Date with Zack Galafianakas' (god I hope I spelled that right) masturbating dog?
xxBFMVAAMIWxx 18
Haha I like!! Hilarious scene
idiotgenius 15
You clearly intended a pun or you wouldn't have written beat in caps.
braga_fangirl98 13
#7 *Galifianakis
adrianh1090 12
I don't think animals **********.
TunaFireStarter 16
Sure they do. Go google it regarding orangutans.
Epikouros 32
And girls don't fart.
Iguanadon 14
One word: Bonobos
ksks1234 33
40-- we don't...nor poop.
MrConcise 35
Horrible flashbacks of the chimp masturbating with a frog.
smokecloud_ 37
55, for some reason your profile pic just seems to go so well with this fml.. I HAVE THE POWER!
sykokitti 15
there are sex toys for animals... open your mind a lil bit
greeneyebeauty9 28
it really bugs me when people can't seem to spell "anonymous" when using it as their little username thing.
Epikouros 32
The Ancient Greek word 'onyma' (name) was spelled as 'onoma' too, so OP's version is as good as the usual spelling.
Zebediabolical 45
If this were a website from ancient greece I'd agree with you. Unfortunately it isn't. Anonymous is the correct spelling.
zeldaluvr2007 15
Does it really matter?
Ramanella 26
Either that is one loud wheel or the fur ball is in your room. If it is, why don't you put it in your sister's bedroom where it belongs.
greeneyebeauty9 28
Ever thought maybe they share a room?
TunaFireStarter 16
Guinea pigs shouldn't even have wheels. Their spines are too inflexible and they can hurt themselves.